Close Your Eyes to See

“You're acting weird, dude.” John tried to ignore Eric's suspicions as he downed another shot, hoping to take the edge off.

He couldn't stop thinking about Edie. He shouldn't have kissed her, he had a girlfriend. But why did it feel so good when he did it? He promised Eric he wouldn't try and get with her and he broke that. If Eric found out, he knew he was going to be furious – Edie was like his sister. And John, well, didn't exactly have the best record when it came to girls and dating.

Everything John thought he knew was changing. He kissed Edie two days ago and all he had been doing since was sweating bullets. He stayed with her on the couch until three in the morning, just talking and hanging out with her. He loved every minute of it. He couldn't explain it, but there was something about her that drew him in and now he was caught in a spider's web, everything turning into a mess.

When he got home that night and found that his apartment was not only silent, but Aly was no where to be found, he knew he had fucked up. Him and Aly didn't always have the best relationship or see eye to eye, but he still cared about her. He wanted to make at least one relationship in his life work and everything seemed to be crumbling into pieces.

He hadn't seen or talked to Edie since that night – he didn't even know what to say. And he knew Edie wasn't going to text or call him, it was going to have to be him to say or do something if he wanted to. Edie was still a shy and quiet girl and probably didn't know what to make of the situation. She didn't even tell Eric about it which made everything even worse. He was now keeping a secret from his best friend.

“What are you talking about?” John was playing dumb, hoping that Eric wasn't going to catch on about anything. The house was slowly getting more and more crowded with people, the bass of the music getting louder as the night carried on. John didn't even know why he was here – he didn't want to be. He wasn't in the partying mood.

“You are just acting weird, did something happen between you and Aly?” John chuckled at his friend's question, not even knowing where to begin.

“Let's not talk about that right now.” John reached for the bottle of the copper liquid and began mixing himself another drink, wanting his friend's interrogation to end before he went insane.

He already knew that Edie was probably hurt he hadn't tried to talk to her, but John was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Was he supposed to betray his friend and be with her? Was he supposed to let his relationship with Aly go or try and mend the train wreck it was becoming?

All John wanted to do was get wasted and forget about everything that was going on in his head. He took his cup and walked out back with Eric, John's body aching for a cigarette. His mind was tricking him because when he closed his eyes, all he could see was him kissing Edie which made him want to do it all over again.

It was so innocent, that moment. He felt like he had to be as gentle as possible with her, the entire thing taking her by so much surprise, she didn't even know what to do. John was fucking up. He had unraveled a little bit of Edie's life and she revealed things that surprised him and now he didn't know how to handle the situation. He had been working so hard to get Edie's attention and trust and he was slowly going to ruin that.

When he was kissing her, he didn't know where it was going to take them and he didn't want it to end. He just wanted to stay in that moment and have everyone disappear so things could be as they were.

He wanted Edie to not feel alone, he was there for her. At least, he wanted to be. In the moment, kissing her was the only thing his brain could process. When she said just how lonely she felt, he wanted to take that pain away from her. But now he was sure he had caused even more pain and he didn't know how he was going to fix it.

-----------------

“I don't want to go Beth.” Edie was stretched out on Beth's couch with no intention of moving. She wasn't about to get dragged to some party she didn't want to be apart of. She had spent the last two days completely overanalyzing everything that had gone on between her and John and all she wanted to do was curl up in a hole.

She never shares things about herself to people and she had shared a huge thing with John. And then he kissed her. And now he hasn't called her, she probably scared him away. Why would he want anything to do with her? He had a girlfriend who was beautiful and Edie was just Edie.

“Uhh if I have to go, you have to go. You've been so down lately, what's up?” Beth set her beer down on the coffee table and sat on the edge of the couch with a somewhat concerned look on her face.

Truthfully, everything was just getting worse and worse from Edie was the days wore on. She got a kiss from John and now he was ignoring. She felt more vulnerable than ever before and she didn't know what to do. Edie bit on her lip in thought, she needed to tell someone. She didn't want to hold it in any longer.

“Nothing, I'm fine. You know me – I'm just tired from work.” Her eyes were focused on the pink nail polish she was chipping off, avoiding Beth's stare.

“That's the oldest excuse in the book, what happened? Did you mom say something again?”

“No.”

“Did Eric say something? That fucking dumbass sometimes. I-”

“No, Eric didn't do anything.”

“Than what happened? You aren't down in the dumps because you are tired.”

Beth was onto her and Edie knew she wasn't going to give up until Beth knew exactly what was going on with Edie. It seemed like the more she shared with John, the more apparent it was to others that something was wrong with her. Her demeanor was changing, it was growing harder and harder for her to hold in her feelings and lie.

But what would Beth say if Edie told her about John? Would she tell Eric? Oh god, if she told Eric? Would Beth judge her or call John out for kissing her? Would John get mad at her for telling people and never talk to her again? Well, it didn't matter at this rate because now John was flat out ignoring her. Edie didn't want to hold it in any longer – she needed some relief. She needed, well, guy advice.

“John and I kissed the other day.” She watched as Beth's face stayed stone cold before everything seemed to click in her mind and she stood up,

“John?! As in John O'Callaghan?” Her face showed utter disbelief. Edie's face turned a deep shade of red, suddenly feeling embarrassed regarding the situation she was in. She didn't even know what to say or how to explain so she just nodded her head.

Edie watched as Beth combed her fingers through her hair, unsure of what to say or how to think. Beth had know John for as long as she'd known Eric. She knew basically everything there was to know about him. John O'Callaghan was a nice guy, but you had to dig deep to find it.

Whether Beth was positive or not, Edie felt relieved. She felt good about telling someone about something that happened in her life, it was still new for her. She could feel her entire body relax and in a way, she was happy.

Beth stared at her friend who had stars in her eyes and happiness that tickled across her lips. Edie White was as innocent as a butterfly and she was about to fall into the snake pit if she wasn't careful.

“Edie, be careful.” Beth watched as she face dropped slightly, the weight of her words taking a toll on the exciting feeling she was getting.

“Beth, its just John. I mean, we are friends. I-” Edie trailed off as she stared down at her hands, finally feeling ashamed of what she did. John had a girlfriend. John was handsome and the 'it' guy around this Arizona town. He wasn't going to waste his time on her.

Edie tried to mask her feelings of disappointment and play it off like none of it really mattered. It didn't matter. John had fought with his girlfriend and decided to kiss Edie as a way to justify the fight he had and make himself feel better. It was a one sided kiss and that was it.

“I just don't want you to get hurt.” Beth said sympathetically. Edie took her words and shrugged them off as she rose from the couch and tried to keep a bright some on her face.

“I am not expecting anything out of it, Beth. I was just saying....” She reached for her coat and slug it over her shoulders, resting her purse straps on her shoulder. She could tell that Beth didn't believe her, but instead of staying on the topic – she just wanted out of the house.

“So how about that party?”

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Edie knew John was going to be there, but when they made eye contact for the first time from across the room, she didn't expect things to be as awkward as they were. The two of them completely avoided each other from the second Edie stepped inside the house. Neither of them knew what to say or how to act, so they preferred to stay away from each other.

Edie was hurt and deep down, she knew everything between her and John was most likely ruined. She scared him away even though he was the one to kiss her. She lost him as a friend because she found that he could barely look at her. Whenever their eyes met, he looked away immediately – staring at anything, but her.

John was at the point in his night where things were starting to get fuzzy and he found his mind hazy with nothingness. The alcohol was in his system and he was beginning to let his thoughts and functions disappear with every sip of burning liquid that traveled down his throat.

Aly still wasn't returning his calls and hadn't showed up for the party that night. John was hoping to see her and try and make things work. Edie was in the house somewhere, causing his stomach in stir with both good and bad feelings.

Things were awkward and bad and he didn't know what to do. He knew he was hurting with each and every second he didn't go over and talk to her, he knew she felt thrown to the side and forgotten, but there was too much going on in John's head for him to make the right decision, letting the alcohol do it for him.

He dared himself once more and glanced across the room towards where Edie had been standing with Eric and Beth, hoping that she wouldn't notice him staring. All the times he had looked at her that night, she looked sad and it was apparent she didn't want to be there.

John blinked a few times, wondering if he was actually drunk and seeing things when he looked over at Edie. She was standing with not only Eric and Beth now, but with a guy John had never seen before. A smile was now on her face as she wrapped the mystery guy into a big hug – looking completely comfortable around him.

John had worked so hard to get Edie to open up even a little bit to him and suddenly, there was a guy besides Eric that could make her laugh and smile like that? John was sure it was the alcohol talking, but something about that drove him crazy.

A fire inside of John ignited. He watched as she began to laugh with the guy, completely engaged in the situation. Who was he? And why was Edie more comfortable with this guy than him? John watched as Edie excused herself from the guys, making her way towards the kitchen. This was his chance.

John looked down at his cup and polished off the liquid that was in it, dropping the cup on the ground and stumbling through the crowd of people towards the kitchen. He wanted to know why everything was the way it was, he wanted her. But a part of him felt like he couldn't.

Edie dug through the fridge of the house, in search of a soda or a water bottle. She didn't feel like drinking tonight, the series of events over the past few days making her depressed enough. She hoped Beth was done soon so she could leave and get some sleep, something she hadn't seen in a while.

“I nea tauk ta youffff.” Edie jumped as she heard the sound of John's voice, his words slurred tonight so badly that she could hardly understand him. She shut the fridge door and clutched the water bottle close to her, taking a long sip to avoid staring at him. If she stared at him and looked in his eyes, she would be putty in his hands.

“John, you're drunk.” As much as Edie wanted to talk to John, he was completely wasted and Edie had past experience to know that the conversation wasn't going to go anywhere if only one of them was sober.

She tried to brush past him to go back out to where everyone was, but John would have none of that. He stumbled and used his lanky and tall frame to block her from leaving.

“Noo, Iammm naut. I waunnaaa taukkk” He shook his head and tried to focus his stare to get Edie to pay attention, but he didn't have to be sober to tell that she was getting frustrated with him.

“So now you wanna talk after two days?” Edie wasn't sure where to attitude was coming from. She never coped an attitude with anyone, but something that the drunken guy in front of her was about to send her over the edge.

“Whyy canttt ya juft tauk ta me?” He slurred out, his own frustrations showing. He just wanted Edie to hear him out even if he didn't make sense. He wanted to work something out. He didn't like avoiding her and seeing her sad.

“John, we can just talk tomorrow when you aren't wasted, okay?” Her voice softened, not wanting to fight and make things worse. But John didn't get the memo. He threw his hands up in the air and slightly stumbled backwards.

“Fffffineee, Iam dun. Go bak ta thafff othurrrr guyyyyy. Maybe he-he likesss fhatt girls.”

Edie's breath hitched in her throat as John's drunken self finished the sentence that left his mouth. She could feel her entire body start to shake and her eyes start to fill up with tears. She stared down at her feet, trying to keep herself from crying. She took one last look at John who was so far gone before walking out the kitchen and out the door.

Since Beth drove and had the car keys, Edie wrapped her arms around her body and began to walk back to her apartment, tears streaking her face. She felt gross, disgusting and unwanted. Nobody wanted her.

She tricked herself into believing that John was different than any other guy in this town, but she was so wrong – he was just like all the rest. She shouldn't have gotten attached to him or gotten her hopes up. He was too good for her and saw her as nothing more than just another fat girl who didn't fit in.

She suddenly felt sick to her stomach in the shirt and skirt she was wearing, both of them items probably making her already enormous body even worse. She wiped her wet cheeks as she walked down the empty sidewalk, the sounds of the party echoing in the distance.

Edie had spent years coped up in her own world and life for a reason, she didn't want to feel like this. She didn't want to give anyone a look inside her life and then leave her with her heart on the ground. She didn't need anyone to talk to her or be around her, she just wanted to be alone. She wanted to be alone and miserable with herself, asking the higher powers why they had done this to her. Why was she so hard to love? Why was she so alone?

Edie wanted to know where she went wrong in life. What did she do to deserve to not be loved by anyone? Why was she left spending every night in her empty apartment? Why wasn't she born into a family that loved and wanted her?

Edie wanted to know why she was so unlikable and why it was nearly impossible for her to make friends. Left and right, she saw groups of people laughing with each other and there she was, standing with two people she was sure didn't even want her around.

She was convinced Eric and Beth only hung around because they felt bad for her. Edie White was the loneliest person on the planet with hardly anyone to turn to that would care. And the one person she thought would eventually end up caring for her, just made her feel even worse about herself.

Why was she such a mistake?