Close Your Eyes to See

Stop. Stop it. Stop. Edie continued to shoot imaginary daggers at the girls from across the bar. She had gone out in public with Eric and John loads of times, but never had fans and girls swamped them so much. The second they got to the venue, fans were asking for photos every few minutes and during the show when the three of them were trying to enjoy Wilco, she could feel eyes on them.

“Can I have another?” She gave the bartender her glass as she watched girls at the bar carelessly flirt with Eric and John. Eric had a girlfriend and well, John was John. Edie found herself moving away from them as soon as the third girl showed up.

She just wanted to enjoy the show with her friend and she couldn't even do that. She once again found herself alone. The girls would occasionally touch John's arm which ignited a fire in her soul. They were all tall with skinny legs in their stiletto heels and bleached blonde hair. Their lips were thick with pink lipstick and low cut shirts showed off their chest. They all looked the same and they all shared the same goal – getting into John's pants.

Occasionally Eric would look up and over at Edie with sympathetic eyes. Edie couldn't blame them, it wasn't their fault that girls were swarming them. Eric was keeping his distance from the girls, trying not to be rude to them while still thinking of his girlfriend back home.

This wasn't the night Edie had expected. After the awkward conversation with John at the hotel, Edie found herself walking the streets and trying to clear her head. John had the biggest effect over her and their was nothing she could do about it. He was so close to breaking her, not knowing if that was a good or a bad thing.

When she met the guys at the venue, they were already surrounded by girls. As she approached her two friends, all eyes were on her from the girls. She suddenly found herself becoming so self conscious from all of the stares inflicted on her – a feeling that lasted the entire night.

Edie was used to getting stares at parties, but she was in a new place with new people and the fact that she knew John O'Callaghan and Eric Halvorsen immediately put her on all the fans shit list.

She didn't know what to say to John so she clung to Eric wherever they went. She almost shared too much of herself to John and it was starting to scare her. He was changing her and making her into someone she had been avoiding for years.

“Thanks.” She took the pink colored liquid to her lips and tried to swallow away any feelings in her soul. Was her outfit not cute enough? Was she not pretty enough? She made sure her hair and makeup was on point of her, but none of that seemed to matter.

She looked up from her drink and found those familiar green eyes staring at her, a blonde chick hanging from her shoulder. Edie looked away in disgust. John had to ruin everything. She was supposed to send the night with her best friend, seeing one of her favorite bands and she couldn't even do that.

Edie polished off her drink and dug into her purse to pay the bartender. She glanced up once more and noticed Eric and John weren't even paying attention. She reached for her jacket and slowly made her way through the crowd of people to the venue's exit.

Once outside, she made the walk back to the hotel room, tears threatening to spill over. Edie was being her overreactive self again. She felt sorry for herself, she hated John, she loved John – so many emotions were going through her body. So she did what she did best, she ran. She ran back to the apartment in efforts to go to sleep before the two boys returned.

Edie quickly changed into her pajamas and was in the process of taking off her makeup when she heard the hotel room door open. It was a matter of seconds before she heard someone knock on the bathroom door.

“Edie?” It was Eric. She breathed a sigh of relief and opened the door while continuing to take off her makeup.

“Sorry about tonight....” Eric scratched the back of his head and entered the bathroom, reaching for his toothbrush.

“Its fine,” she lied through her teeth, “where's John?” Edie tried to ask it as though she didn't care when in reality, she was dying to know.

“He's still at the bar.” Eric watched his friend intently, her reaction all of her face as he told her of John's whereabouts. She looked sad, stricken by some emotion that was clearly negative.

He had been watching John and Edie for the past couple of weeks and have noticed awkward tension build between the two of them. He was catching onto things between those two.

“What is going on between you and John?” Eric's mouth was full of toothpaste, the words jumbled and barley heard. The question hit Edie hard, she wasn't expecting this. She felt as though her throat was closing up as she discarded her makeup remover wipe into the trashcan near the toilet.

“What are you talking about?” She was playing the stupid card as she pushed passed Eric in the cramped bathroom to avoid the conversation. She heard the faucet turn on and Eric spit out his toothpaste, he wasn't done with this issue.

“Stop avoiding things Edie, please.” Eric knew his friend well and knew that she was such a passive person when it came to talking about what was going on inside her head.

“I am not avoiding anything Eric, I don't know what you are talking about?”

“I've seen the way you guys have been acting around each other these past weeks. One minute, you are talking and laughing and the next, there is silence and tension. What happened? Did he say something to you?” Eric was playing the protective brother, something that she had missed. She tried to keep herself together, not wanting to talk about John.

It wasn't John that was the problem. It was her. John wasn't doing anything wrong, her head was just fucked up. She hated herself. She wanted to be good enough for someone. She wanted to be loved. The next thing she knew, she was crying.

“Oh god.” She said to herself as she sat down on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands. With worry in his eyes, he sat down next to his friend as she cried.

“Hey Edie, tell me what happened?” His hand was placed on her back and he rubbed it for comfort.

“This has nothing to do with John, Eric. It has to do with me,” she wiped some of her tears away, “I am tired of being this anti-social freak who would rather spend time with her cat. I am tired of pushing people away because I don't think I am good enough. I want to stop hating myself and start loving people. I am tired of being alone.”

The words leaving Edie's mouth were hitting Eric hard. Why didn't he know anything about any of this? He brought her in close as she continued to cry. He had his suspicions, but never expected her to feel this way.

“Does John have anything to do with this?” Eric felt like this sudden wave of emotion coming from his best friend was due to his other best friend. Edie thought back to the kiss her and John shared the week before and considered spilling the beans on the whole ordeal. But then she remembered that John and Eric were best friends and she wasn't about to ruin that.

“No, of course not.”