Close Your Eyes to See

She kept going, no matter how much it hurt. The sweat formed at the top of her forehead as she began to pant, only needing to hold on a few minutes longer. She wanted to scream, her thighs and legs were on fire, she had been at it for hours and just needed some relief. Her body moved to the rhythm.

Two more minutes. She closed her eyes and tried to zone out, wanting the agonizing minutes to be over and done with. Little pieces of hair stuck to her forehead as her skin became more moist with each and every second.

One more minute. Fuck, this is why Edie never did this. She just wanted it to be over. I mean, people do this all the time, why was she just waiting for it to be over? She was tired of being hot and sweaty.

Thirty seconds. She didn't know why she was doing this so early in the morning, she liked to do it at night when she could just fall asleep afterwards and not have so many thoughts crossing her mind.

Ten seconds. Her body was so used to the rhythm after going at it for so long. The music continued to fill her ears down to the very last second and then it finally happened and she let out a hugh breath, finally feeling the relief she was waiting for.

She slowed down on the treadmill after a long run at the gym - she didn't know why she even had a fucking membership. She hated running and the gym and everything about working out, but most people were like that.

After her long talk with John a few nights ago on the balcony, all she wanted to do was hang out with him. He was such a different person to talk to than Halvo and she liked it. They talked about the same things, of course, but he seemed to take things more seriously than Eric most of the time. It was weird, other than Beth, Eric, her brother and her co-workers – she didn't really talk to people and with John, it was like coming up for a breath of fresh air and it scared her.

As Circa Survive continued to fill her ears, she stepped off of the treadmill and took a long sip of her water, ready to get the fuck out of the gym and get home to her DVR.

She never understood why there were so many skinny girls at the gym, they were taunting her with their sport bras and booty shorts. They would run on the treadmill and it looked like a scene from fucking Baywatch and they didn't even sweat, working out seeming effortless for their already perfect bodies.

Meanwhile, Edie was forced to work out in long sweats and a oversized t-shirt, looking like death no matter what she did in the gym. She didn't like being so covered up, but she wasn't about to let the fat that took over her body jiggle everywhere in public. With her now empty water bottle in hand, she climbed into her car and started the engine, getting out of the parking lot as fast as she could.

She loved the gym because she could work out and make it seem like she was changing her body, but she never saw the results that she wanted. It didn't help that she felt like people were staring at her and making fun of everything she did like running on the treadmill. She knew it was all in her head, but the thoughts eventually just took over everything like normal.

Along with the skinny girls, there were the muscular guys her age at the gym that spent their time lifting weights and flexing their arms to show off their bodies. They were all, for the most part, incredibly attractive, but all of them were focused on the girls around Edie – not giving her the time of day.

Edie took a left off of the highway and pulled into the convenience store, needing a pack of cigarettes. She took a glance of herself in the mirror and sighed – she still looked sweaty and gross, not a single amount of makeup on her face and little dry pieces of hair still stuck in her forehead.

She opened up the door to the store, a chime sounding as she stepped in – the fluorescent lights giving her a headache. She walked up to the counter, the same asian guy she saw every week standing behind it.

“A pack of Marlboro lights.” The word 'lights' made her feel less guilty for smoking them, even though she knew they were probably just as bad as the normal ones. The man grabbed the pack from the case and scanned them, Edie handing the exact amount that was due. The fact that she knew exactly how much a pack cost was a signal that she should probably cut down a little.

She was one of those stupid people that basically started smoking as a social thing. She was offered one at a party and instead of saying 'no' like she wanted to, she took the cigarette and joined the group of people in the front of the house. She thought that by smoking the cigarette, she would fit in more and maybe more people would actually talk to her. When in fact, no one gave a shit if she smoked and she eventually turned to them to fill a void and because her body couldn't help but crave them.

Edie grabbed the smokes off the counter and turned around to get back in her car and go home and shower when she walked right into someone that was waiting behind her. Her cigarettes fell to the ground with a smack.

“Shit. Sorry.” She looked up and honest to God, wanted to drop dead and die right then. John stood in front of her, a smirk on his face.

“And she speaks.” He bent down and picked up the pack for her, placing it in her open hand. She tried to keep her blush down, but she was so embarrassed. She wore no makeup and probably reeked of BO and other things she didn't want to think about. She bit her tongue to keep from saying anything else and she stared at John, wondering if he was going to end the conversation.

A grey beanie covered his sandy blonde hair and a classy red Budweiser shirt hung from his skinny frame. She literally could snap the boy in half if she wanted probably which is what she would do if that means she could run to her car and get out of this situation.

“So what brings you here?” Edie spat out, trying to get the awkward tension to go away. She honestly didn't care why he was here, she just wanted to leave and not have him look at her ugly face any longer.

“I am here to buy a few lottery tickets. I am feeling lucky today.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth while the two of them stood in the empty store. She brushed a few strands of hair out of her eyes before smacking her lips together,

“I'll let you get back to that then.” She turned to walk away, the embarrassment in her body becoming too much to handle.

“So I was wondering-” She turned around and looked at John as he began speaking, but she toned all of it out, watching as his lips moved. He was probably trying to say something remotely nice to hide the fact that he was probably making fun of her in his head. She looked terrible and a situation like this was part of the reason why she didn't like to go to the gym.

John was a hot guy, probably one of the boys that could have whoever they wanted and screwed girls on a nightly basis. He was different looking than the other guys in Arizona, he wasn't orange from the sun and didn't look like a person from the Jersey Shore. His eyes were this crazy green that she had never seen before, she couldn't explain it.

Edie always looked at the little features in people because features were something she lacked. Her hair was a dull brown and lacked styling and hung straight most of the time. Her eyes were a dark brown, seeming lifeless in her sockets every second of every day. Her nose was average, lacking any sort of cute or unique quality and her lips were hardly plump, not even remotely sexy.

Edie didn't have the sex appeal everyone around her seemed to possess. Like Amber for example, her hair was long and blonde with different natural tones and highlights. It flowed well and didn't need styling. Her piercing blue eyes drew all of the guys in, they always seemed to sparkle even when she was sad. Edie was about as sexy as a grape. Why would anyone want her? She wasn't special. She wasn't even ordinary.

“Edie? Hello?” Edie snapped out of her thoughts and looked at John who was trying to get her attention.

“Uhh yeah?” She blinked a few times and saw the confusion on John's face.

“So do you want to?” Edie felt bad for not listening to John and felt like she should just say yes to whatever he was asking so she nodded her head and smiled,

“Yeah, sounds great John!” She faked a smile and pretended like she knew what he was talking about. This was a habit of hers, not listening at important parts of conversations and eventually making a huge fool of herself.

“Great, so I'll see you at five?” Her cheeks flushed and now she was even more embarrassed. Where she was she going? What was she doing?

“Definitely. Sounds perfect.”

“Good, I will text you the address later. Don't smoke too much of those or they'll kill ya.” He pointed to the pack of cigarettes in her hand before walking away, smiling at her. As soon as John's back was to her, she fled to her car as fast as she could, the embarrassment taking over her body. She was probably overreacting in the situation, but she didn't care. She was sure he was going to laugh about her later on and didn't even know if she wanted to go and do whatever she was invited too.

---------------------------------

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” Edie kept repeating to herself as she drove down the familiar streets. She felt like she was in fucking Stepford every time she drove past the perfectly manicured plants and trees and unnatural green lawns with the constant sprinklers going. This was Arizona, grass was supposed to die in the desert heat.

We Are Scientists blasted from her stereo as she looked out the window, staring at all of the perfectly painted white houses and their wrap around decks and blue shutters. This place was seriously a joke and she hated visiting it. When she pulled up to the familiar house that looked like every other one on the block, she cut the engine and took a deep breath before getting out.

She managed to get home and shower, scrubbing her skin and scalp to smell somewhat nice. White ballet flats covered her feet while she wore a yellow cardigan and turquoise dress with flowers printed on the fabric.

She marched up the streets and opened up the white door, getting overwhelmed by the smell of artificial flowers and cleaning supplies in the air.

“Edith? Is that you?” Edie rolled her eyes at the sound of her full name and already was in search of a noose to get her out of this hell hole. The woman appeared from the kitchen, her small frame wrapped in a neatly bleached apron, her short ash blonde hair covering the top of her head. Edie set her bag down on the stairs,

“Hi mom.”

Edie was nothing like her parents and she thanked God for that. They controlled her entire life, even deciding that Arizona State was the school she would attend even though she was looking at east coast schools to get as far away from them as possible.

Her mother, Jean, was a model in her teens (of course, right?) and ended up getting pregnant with Edie when she was just twenty, ending her career was a model. Edie, of course, always knew that she was a surprise, a surprise that her mother ever now and then liked to describe as more of a mistake. Her mom now spent most of her time as a wedding planner for the Arizona women who felt like they needed tacky and over the top weddings for their marriages that wouldn't last.

Her mom wrapped Edie in a hug, the smell of her overpriced perfume engulfing her and causing her nose to sting. It was clear that the two girls never saw eye to eye and Edie knew that if her mom had her way, she would be without children and still living her modeling dream. Edie had ruined all of that for her.

“Is that cigarette smoke I smell?” Edie rolled her eyes at her mother's observation and let go of the hug, eye rolling. If her parents knew she smoked, they would probably disown her. She tried not to smoke in the car, but the stress of having to walk into this house and see her mom was getting to her on the drive here. She just needed to relax a little bit.

“Sorry, it must be from Eric earlier.”

“Well, I was just finishing up making lunch. Why don't you come into the kitchen?” Her mom whipped her blonde hair away and disappeared into the kitchen once more. Ever since Edie moved out, her mother talked to her more like she was a guest in the kitchen than a human that at one point, was pushed out of her vagina. Edie clenched her fist together at her side to let out some frustration but hesitantly followed her mom into the kitchen.

The kitchen always gave Edie a headache. It was scrubbed clean, the fumes from the soap and cleaners forever marinating in the room. Everything right down to the draw handles were bleach white, glistening brightly into Edie's eyes as the Arizona sun hit it all through the open window above the sink.

Her mom was tending to the sandwiches she always made for lunch, neatly cutting the tomatoes so all of the slices were identical. Jean White was a perfectionist with everything she did – her work, her house, her entire life had to be picture perfect.

“So how is Eric?” Edie rolled her eyes at the question. Eric Halvorsen wasn't on her mom's favorite list, she didn't like him for some reason and rather than arguing about it, they just agreed to disagree. She took a seat at the island that was placed in the middle of the kitchen, resting her head on her bent elbow.

“He's good. He's back for the next while before he gets back on the road. We've been hanging out a lot like normal.” She picked at her dead ends, dying of boredom while her mother tried to know every detail about her life like normal.

“So he is still doing that little music thing?” Jean didn't like Eric because he was a musician and in her mind, being in a band was hardly an accomplishment.

“I wouldn't call it a 'little' thing, mom. Rocket is actually pretty popular. They just got back from Australia and the Philippines.” Jean began assembling the sandwiches, her posture changing from calm to a little bit tense.

“Well it will be interesting to see where they are in the next few months.” Edie shook her head, biting her tongue to keep from starting an argument with her mom. Jean walked over and placed the sandwich in front of Edie before sitting next to her at the island, taking a small bite of the sandwich before beginning the questioning again.

“Well your father couldn't join us for lunch today, he had a bunch of work to take care of at the office.”

Her father, Nathan, was a lawyer and spent most of the time at the office being “work”. He may have her mom fooled, but Edie knew that the only work he was doing was banging his assistant, Karen. Her parents didn't marry until she was two, her mother refusing to be pregnant during the ceremony and have a shotgun wedding. Once Edie was born, it became all about the wedding because Jean had to make sure everything was perfect.

Her parents were never in love and stayed together for the sack of it appearing to be the right thing to do at the time. It would be because her dad was eight years older than her mom. They hardly ever spent any time together and the only affection Edie ever really saw from them was an occasional kiss they would give each other to make it seem like they still loved each other. It was sad and pathetic in Edie's mind, why did they even bothering marrying? They have been miserable together for twenty three years and yet, they still lived together and tried to stay in the marriage life that was molded to them from the beginning. Both of them buried themselves in their work to stay distracted and avoid the life that was falling apart in front of their eyes.

Ever since Edie was little, she never felt truly wanted by her parents. She went through about fifteen nannies in her life, deciding that a caretaker should do the parenting for them since they were too busy with their work and social lives to raise a daughter. She was on her own most of the time. When she was in grade school and would get teased by others, she never had anyone to turn to and cry to – her parents were too busy for her. There was always something more important.

“What did you do today, Edith?” She cringed at the sound of her real name. She liked it, but it didn't suit her well and she felt like an old hag when someone called her that. She glanced at her mother whose bleached teeth blinded her sight.

“I woke up and went to the gym and now I am here. I am meeting up with a friend later tonight.”

“Well, the gym. That's good! Good for you honey.” Edie took another huge bite of her sandwich so she could only mumble the slur of curse words at her mom. Her mother never had a problem talking about Edie's weight problem. It was the biggest thing she hated about her mother. Every single time she saw her, her weight was brought up and it dragged Edie's self esteem down even lower. Ever since she was little, her mom tried everything to get Edie to lose weight – every single diet was tried and she put Edie into sports even though she was the most uncoordinated person to walk to the earth. Nothing ever worked and Edie knew her mom was embarrassed to have a kid that wasn't perfect like the other children in her class.

“You know, I saw Will the other-” Edie got up at the sound of his name and placed her plate in the sink, getting ready to leave and never come back.

“No, mom. Stop.” William was quite possibly the most annoying person Edie had ever met, aside from Halvo. He was rich and peppy and insisted on hitting on Edie any time they were in the same room. Although she was somewhat flattered that he took interest in her, it was only because he wanted to use her to get to her father. William was an aspiring attorney and wanted nothing more than to work at her dad's firm. Edie didn't think William knew how not close her and Nathan were. Her mother adored William, though, and wanted to set the two of them up on a date – thinking that they would instantly fall in love.

“William in a great guy, Edith, with a lot of potential. You can't keep going off with boys like Eric Halvorsen for the rest of your life.”

“Its getting late mom and I have people to meet.” Edie waltzed out of the kitchen to retrieve her bag off the stairs, not wanting to bare the sight of her mother anymore.

“Edith! You can't keep avoiding it forever.” Edie waved her hand in the air and headed for the door, wanting to get home and get ready for the night without being in a sour mood because of her mother.

“Say hi to Nathan for me.” And she slammed the door behind her with a smirk – she knew her mom hated it when she called her parents by their first names. She didn't care. Her mind was set on John.