Close Your Eyes to See

“We really need to get you a new car, Edith. Something nice. Your father knows a man who could get us a great Mercedes for you.” Edie didn't respond to her mom's suggestion, just simply yawning and looking out the window at her beautiful white Volvo station wagon that gleamed in the Arizona sunlight.

Her car was a piece of shit, but she bought it with her hard earned money. Daryl wasn't just a car, she was her best friend. The stereo in him stuck and normally broke her CDs when she tried to eject them and he could use a tune up and a paint job, but she could never part with the car. He was her heart and soul. She didn't need some expensive hunk of plastic, that wasn't going to protect her from the maniacs on the road.

“Is there a reason you called me here?” Edie had just finished up her morning shift at The Coffee House and now she just wanted to go somewhere and read her book. She didn't want to be in her parents' house with her mother – it definitely wasn't apart of her agenda for the day.

“Well, I called you over here because in a few weeks, we are going to be having a fundraiser and as my daughter, I think it is important that you make an appearance.”

“No.” She said flatly, not wanting to be apart of any more dinners with thirty dollar entrees and small talk going on for hours. She couldn't do it anymore.

“Edith, since you simply refuse to help plan any of the events I think it would be best if you attended.” Edie was decoding her mother's words in her head as her mom took a sip of her water and neatly placed it down on the kitchen counter.

There wasn't a single particle of dust, a stain, a tear or leak in this entire house. It was spotless. Edie had to resist the urge from knocking over her mom's water or licking the window every time she stepped foot in here.

“Besides, your brother said he would be town for it as well and it would be nice if the two of you came and supported it. I don't ask very much of you two.” Edie bit her lip to keep from telling her mother exactly what she was feeling. Jean asked a lot of her and always expected stuff in return. She only wanted Edie to attend the event so the ladies wouldn't gossip about her behind her back about how her family was dysfunctional.

“Fine.” Edie said in monotone as Jean smiled brightly at her, feeling accomplished about getting her daughter to agree to something.

“Now its not for a few weeks, but it is formal. We are going to need to find you a dress-”

“I am sure I have something.” She could see the distaste in her mom's face, probably thinking Edie was going to wear something from a thrift store which she probably was.

“-And a date.” Edie shrugged and stood up, adjusting the beanie that was covering her messy head of hair. She strapped her backpack on and grabbed her car keys, getting ready to leave.

“I am sure Eric will still be in town.” Eric would hate the event, but Edie would somehow convince Eric to go with her – she always did.

“I don't think that would be appropriate, Edith.” She rolled her eyes once more at her mother, not liking that she was insulting her best friend.

“Why not Jean?” Her mom hated it when Edie called her by her first name, almost as much as Edie hated being called her full name.

Her mom clasped her hands together and Edie got ready for the lecture she was about to receive from her, wondering what her mom would do if she just walked out of the house then.

“I just think you should bring someone everyone already knows, I-”

“No one knows Eric because you don't let them know Eric. Its not my fault.” Jean took a long breath, trying to keep her cool as her daughter continued to interrupt her.

“I just think it would be best if you brought someone like William-”

“Fuck that!” Edie spilled out, cringing at the thought of William being her date.

“Edith Colleen, watch your mouth!” Jean snapped at her, pointing her finger while her face turned red from the language that left her daughter's mouth.

“I either take Eric or I don't go. So you can choose to have a daughter that doesn't show up at the event and have the ladies talk about you at Pilates class the next day. Or I can bring someone that will entertain me through the snore fest that night is going to be. The cards are in your hands. I gotta go.” She jingled the keys in her hand and stormed out of the house, not daring to talk to her mother until she said it was okay to bring Eric to the event.

Edie got in her car and after two turns in the ignition, Daryl fired up. She had to pray every time she got in that he would start up for her. She didn't have the money for a tune up at the moment and there was no way in hell she was going to ask her parents to fix it. They would give it a one way ticket to the junk yard and she would never see it again.

Since the day she turned eighteen, she was financially independent from her parents. They paid for her college tuition, but all other expenses were paid with the money Edie earned. She didn't want their money, she wanted to be on their own. But while being realistic, there was no way she was going to make it by if she had so many student loans which is why she allowed her parents to pay for her schooling.

Don't get Edie wrong, she was well aware she lived a privileged life and loved every minute of it, but she wanted to be independent and not one of the girls her age who still lived off their daddy's money.

- - - - -

She sat at her usual booth in the diner, a half empty plate of apple pie and a glass of water siting on the table in front of her as went to work on a new drawing, not sure where to take it. Fleet Foxes filled the headphones in her ears as she closed her eyes and tried to think of what to draw.

She thought about the conversation she had had with her mother earlier that day and with a chuckle, she began drawing the image that had popped into her head. She often drew how she saw her life – with her dysfunctional parents who were consumed by money to even parent her kids right.

They didn't know it, but they had fucked up their kids. Gabe was hardly ever home, even as an adult. As a kid, he spent most of his days bumming on his friends' couches to avoid being home and he took the first job he got that let him leave the Arizona bubble he was tortured in for nineteen years of his life.

Edie was still a part of the bubble and it was slowly suffocating her. She had grown up in Arizona, gone to college in Arizona and was now living in Arizona. She wanted a change of scenery. She contemplated moving so many times, but always feared of moving and losing the financially stable life she had made for herself.

She drew the outline of her car that covered the majority of her page, making sure that every dent and paint chip that was on Daryl was present in her picture.

She took up drawing when she was about seven, it becoming an escape fro her from her fucked up family and society she was put into. It was her brother Gabe that had encouraged her to keep it up since her parents were never there to support her. When Gabe began leaving for his work trips months at a time, Edie stopped drawing more, losing inspiration.

She can remember the night that Eric saw her old drawings she kept in her bedroom. He was searching for one of her lighters in the drawer of her desk and found the pieces of paper in a folder, obviously snooping and looking for more than just a lighter at that point. When he found the pictures, he confronted her and then spent the next two hours of that night talking about how she shouldn't let her talent go to waste and blah blah blah.

She could see her phone light up from the corner of her eye just as she began to draw the details of the tires, stopping and putting her pencil down to look at her phone. It was a text from Amber, she was having a party at her house tonight. As much as Edie didn't want to go, she would never hear the end of it if she didn't show up.

“Mind if I join you?” Edie looked up from her phone and found John standing there, holding a glass of Pepsi in his hand.

“You've found my special spot, O'Callaghan.” John took a seat across from her in the booth and set his drink down.

“Special spot?” Edie put her phone down and gave John her full attention, something that wasn't hard to do.

“I just come here a lot.”

“To escape from Eric?”

“That.....and other things.” Edie bit the outside of her lip and pushed her apple pie towards John, not going to finish it at all.

“You're nice AND give me apple pie. Are you a robot?” John joked as he used the fork on the table to dig into the half eaten pie slice, stuffing a forkful of it into his mouth and chewing happily.

“Only on my good days. You going to Amber's party later?”

“I was going to head over there after here actually.” He mumbled out, his mouth still full of pie. Edie looked down at her drawing and went to tuck it back into her backpack when John grabbed the piece of paper lightly out of her hand to observe it.

“Is this the car parked outside?” He scrunched his eyebrows hard as he stared at the bright piece of paper in front of him.

“Its name is Daryl.” Edie blushed a little, John probably thinking Daryl was a piece of shit compared to some sweet car he drove.

“Your car, huh? I like it. It has character. Its not as cool as mine though.” Edie rolled her eyes, knowing that he was going to brag about some expensive car he probably had. He set the piece of paper down and pointed out the window to a beat up white Ford pickup truck.

“Annette and I go way back.” Edie shook her head, completely surprised that John's car was just as shitty as hers.

“Annette and Daryl should get together and go bowling sometime.” She joked, taking a sip of her water and reaching across the table to retrieve the drawing she would finish later.

“Did I interrupt you from your drawing? I can leave-”

“No, its fine. I don't even know if I like it anyway.” Edie blushed a little as John took another bite of the apple pie, seeming to enjoy it a lot.

“Its really good, you know? How long have you been drawing?”

“On and off since I was about seven. Its kind of a hobby I love to hate.” Edie shrugged, hating that she was being passive in the conversation and probably boring the fuck out of John. She was just waiting for him to give her an excuse and leave her.

“That's really cool though. Its not everyday you find a girl who actually enjoys something that isn't tanning or shopping.”

“You do live in Arizona, John. Have you seen the girls in this town?” She cracked a smile, thinking about all of the skanky girls that fill this entire place. John finished off the pie and pushed the empty plate and dirty fork towards the edge of the table.

“Trust me, I have. You're not like most girls...” Edie didn't know if that was a compliment or an insult, causing her entire body to become nervous as John's stare was still on her.

“I don't think I have ever been part of the norm.” She looked down at her hands and began picking at her thumbs, a gross nervous habit she had had since she was six.

“Who says its a good thing to be part of the norm?” She looked up at John and thought about the question, not sure if she should just ignore it or answer it honestly.

“Well, its a lot easier to be apart of the social norm around here.” Her voice said softly, almost sounding sad. John's eyebrows fumed together as the words left her mouth unsure of what to say to that.

The two of them sat in silence – Edie picking at her thumbs and John staring at her curiously, seeing a different girl than she had seen the past few days.

“Its getting late, I think I am going to head to Amber's.” Edie finally said, not being able to handle the awkward silence between her and John. She reached for her bag that sat next to her and looped one of the straps on her shoulder and began to scoot her way out of the booth. John mimicked her actions and the two of them stood by the table, the awkwardness still there.

“Hey, how about I meet you there and we can chill or something?” John didn't really know what else to say nor did he really want the conversation between him and Edie to end.

“Okay.” She said shyly, staring at the ground as she walked past John and out the door. She walked to Daryl and once she got into the car and was out of John's sight, she laid her head on the black steering wheel with a loud sigh.

“Fuck.”

- - - - -

When she turned the corner to Amber's house, she saw John standing there smoking a cigarette. As soon as he saw her, he threw his cigarette on the ground and smiled at her. He had actually waited for her to get there. She thought he was just doing that to be nice.

Edie gave a small smile back and walked next to John as the two of them walked into Amber's house. There was tons of people filling her house as usual. When John and her walked into together, she could see ten different sets of eyes on her – all of them girls. John, of course, didn't seem to notice.

“Want a drink?” John asked in an upbeat tone, hoping that awkwardness between them would go away. Edie nodded and followed him into the kitchen. He reached for two red cups off the counter and began to mix a drink for Edie. She didn't care what it was at this point, she just wanted something strong.

After a moment, John handed her the drink and she took it graciously, taking a sip and feeling the burn of the liquor run down her throat.

“Is Eric coming tonight?” Edie asked, always feeling awkward if Eric wasn't by her side at parties. She didn't really know how to function without him there to make jokes and break any awkward tension.

“I would imagine so, but I haven't asked him.” The two of them stood in the cramped kitchen, saying nothing more to each other. Guys began to come up and talk to John, completely ignoring that Edie was still standing there.

She ventured off from the kitchen in search of Amber or someone she might knew that would hang out with her and make her not feel so alone. Who knew that being in a house full of people would make you feel so alone in the world?

With Amber no where in sight, probably upstairs in one of the bedrooms, Edie took a seat in the corner of the room and sipped on her drink trying to fill the loneliness in her body. She watched as friends laughed and talked to each other, couples flirted and kissed each other and people danced all around. No one glanced at her or anything.

She texted Eric and asked if he was coming and got no response. She stared down at her almost empty cup and contemplated leaving and going home. At least she could be lonely with herself without having everyone around her taunting her with the fun she could be having.

She glanced across the room and noticed John was standing there, talking to a few of his friends with his girlfriend by his side. His arm was wrapped firmly around her frame while he talked to his friends, leaning down every once and a while to give her a kiss on the lips.

Edie wanted that. She wanted a guy that would kiss her in public, hold her hand in public and not give a fuck who saw.

Every once and a while, John would glance over and see Edie sitting there alone, nursing the drink in her hand while she looked down at her phone and pretended to be busy when he knew he just didn't have anyone to talk to.

“Hey, babe. Come on.” John led Aly and him over to where Edie was sitting and peered over at her as she looked up from her phone suddenly. She wanted to die when she saw the two of them standing in front of her – acting like she was some charity case or something.

“Aly, you remember Edie right?” John asked, taking a sip of his drink and trying to start a conversation between the two of them.

“Of course. Who could forget?” Edie didn't know Aly well enough to know if she was being rude or nice about the sentence she just said, but either way it made Edie feel uncomfortable. She racked her hand through her long brown hair and tried her best to put on a smile,

“How have you been?” Edie tuned out Aly's voice and subtly watched the body language between the couple, still trying to make it seem like she was into the conversation. John's hand was wrapped in Aly's and occasionally when Aly was talking about John, she would rest her free hand on his chest and give it a pat like she was proud of him.

Aly was a girl that liked to talk about herself. Although, Edie only caught about twenty percent of what she was saying, the parts she did catch all used the words “me”, “my”, “i” and all other words like that.

Edie didn't like that John was playing her as a pity case even though he was just trying to be nice. Sure, Edie hated being alone at parties, but she would rather be left alone than have to talk to people who didn't really want to talk to her. They just felt sorry for her.

If she had a boyfriend, she would never be alone at parties or social gatherings, would always have someone to hang with and wouldn't have to worry about spend every night alone in her apartment. It just got old to see that everyone around her had someone and she had no one.

Edie was snapped out of her train of thought when Amber stood up on her coffee table, ripped of her shirt and shouted at the top of her lungs,

“EVERYONE IN THE POOL!” And as if my magic, everyone was stripping down to their underwear and running out to her backyard to get in the pool. Fuck.

Edie watched as Aly stripped off her dress and showed off her perfectly thin body. She hollered at John to hurry up as she disappeared into the backyard. Edie glanced at John and blushed, feeling extremely uncomfortable. He was in the process of unbuttoning his jeans, his shirt already gone.

“You coming in?” She averted her eyes to the ground, the empty cup, her hands, anything to keep her eyes from looking at John.

“Uhhh, I didn't bring a swimsuit.”

“Everyone is going in their underwear, its cool.” Edie's face burned at the thought of her stripping down to her underwear in public.

She could never do it. She couldn't even look at herself in the mirror, why would she want people to see her when she couldn't even see herself. Everyone would laugh at her and she would be even more humiliated than ever.

She wanted to be that girl that every guy her age thought was beautiful and wanted to be with. She wanted to have enough confidence to strip down to her underwear and not care who saw her body. She wanted to be able to wear whatever she wanted and have it fit right. She wanted to actually own a swimsuit and wear it.

“So, you coming?” She looked at John who was stripped down to his blue plaid boxers, his hand reaching out for hers. She stared at it and could feel her eyes blur with water. No one would ever understand the personal prison she lived in everyday.

“Uhh, I gotta go.” She stood up quickly, avoiding John's outstretched hand as she grabbed her purse and ran out of the house as fast as she could, not wanting anyone to see her cry.

John stood in the now empty living room for a moment, trying to process what had happened. Did he say something to offend Edie? Was she mad at him for something? He didn't get it. She looked so sad for some reason, he was only trying to help.

“JOHN! Hurry up!” John heard his girlfriend yell from the pool. He swallowed the weird feeling in his throat and jogged out to the pool to be with his girlfriend. For the rest of the night, however, his mind was on Edie White.