Two Way Street

I gritted my teeth as I stared out the window, hearing Mara get dressed behind me. I had absolutely no idea what had gotten into me the night before.

Okay, well, I guess I did. Alcohol had gotten into me. I shouldn’t have gone drinking in public when I had no idea how it would affect me. I should have known from supervising the guys when they got trashed how it would affect my judgment and make me lose all grip on reality, as well as my self-control.

And in the morning, I found myself with a pounding headache and Mara next to me, both of us completely naked. It only took a second for everything to come pouring back, all the details running through my head one after another: how soft her skin was, how well she kissed. It made me feel like a dick to admit it, but I had really liked it.

“Alright, I’m dressed. Now you might want to put on some clothes, too,” Mara snapped.

I turned around to face her, but she was already out of the room, the door closed behind her.

Sighing, I pulled on a pair of boxers and jeans before rushing out to the living room, hoping to catch her before she left.

I did, but just barely. The door was swung open, her hand on the outside doorknob, ready to pull it shut as she left. “Mara, wait,” I called out, rushing forward and blocking the door’s movement.

She turned back to face me, staring up at me with those hazel eyes of hers. I had expected them to have that fire behind them that she had when she first made eye contact with me at the restaurant what seemed like a million years ago.

Instead, they just looked sad and confused. Reaching forward, I gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I don’t regret this,” I whispered to her matter-of-factly.

“Of course you don’t,” she hissed. “You’re a guy, and you’re just happy that you shagged someone. Now back off so I can get the fuck out of here.”

I felt like someone had stabbed me through the stomach as I did as she asked. The slamming sound echoed through my head, the pain almost unbearable.

“Aspirin,” I whispered to myself as I made my way down the hallway. “That’s what I need.”

Once I was medicated, I ventured into the kitchen, taking a box of cereal out of the cupboard and throwing it onto the table.

After taking out the milk, along with a bowl and a fork, I settled down at the table and started to eat.

As I chewed, my eyes focused on a speck on the wall while my mind raced about Mara. No matter how much I knew what we did last night was a mistake, there was still a small part of me that didn’t want to believe it. I knew she had been a virgin, and even though we hadn’t been together or anything, it still made me feel kind of…special that I had been her first. Maybe that made me sound like a wanker, but the sentiment felt honest and real, not some sort of sick smug feeling. Smug had nothing to do with it.

I sighed when I thought about how irritated she had been, how much she regretted it. That didn’t shock me, though. If anything surprised me, it was how I didn’t.

How could I not have realized consciously that I had feelings for her? How could it have been that behind my dislike for her, the retorts that we sent back and forth, there was genuine attraction there?

Not that I didn’t know I was attracted to her. She was fit. From the first second I saw her, I knew that she was beautiful. But I had always been the kind of person that thought personality was important. When the hell had that changed?

And then it occurred to me: in that brief time period when we got along, I was able to see behind her sarcastic front, to see the real person inside. The broken girl who didn’t have any parents, who didn’t have any money, who had a shitty job. That must have been the girl I fell for in secret, deep in my subconscious.

I ran a hand through my hair and let out a sad breath before getting to my feet. Really, I had to stop thinking about her because there was no way anything good was going to come from it.

While I was rinsing out my bowl, the door opened, admitting Zayn into my flat. “Hi, Liam,” he exclaimed excitedly, coming over and planting his butt on the counter.

Searing pain shot through my head. “Could we, like, keep the voice at a minimum, please?” I questioned, trying my hardest not to wince.

His eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “Wait…mate, are you hung over?”

“A little bit,” I admitted reluctantly as I turned off the faucet.

Zayn’s mouth dropped open. “You drank? And we missed it?! Way to give us the heads-up.”

“It was kind of a spur of the moment thing,” I explained causally. We relocated to the living room, both of us settling on the couch. My headache was starting to subside a little bit, though not nearly enough to function.

Zayn watched me carefully. “Wait…this wasn’t…this had nothing to do with the Mara thing, did it?”

I swallowed.

“It did!” Zayn looked at me, shocked. “Wow. Daddy Direction actually turned to alcohol forget his problems. That’s…wow.”

“Shut up,” I groaned, lying my head against the back of the couch. “I really don’t need to be reminded of how I’m supposed to be the mature one right now.”

“Hey, we all make mistakes, mate. And I figure that if you turned to alcohol, it must be pretty bad.”

But he had no idea how bad it really was. He didn’t know that I had seen Mara there, strutting confidently as she dropped onto the stool next to me, throwing back shot after shot like nobody’s business, her hair falling down her back, looking soft and healthy. Just like hair that I remember really wanting to run my hands through.

“You look like you just ran over your cat,” Zayn pointed out, watching me carefully. “What’s up?”

“Shouldn’t you say ‘Vas Happenin’ or something?” I joked, smirking.

He gave me a sassy look that he must have stolen from Louis.

I let out a breath. “I fucked up, Zayn. Big time.”

“Fucked up like you actually ran over your cat or fucked up like you ran over Harry’s cat?”

“I don’t even have a cat!” I groaned. “So get off that.”

“Ouch.” He winced dramatically. “So even worse than running over Harry’s cat.”

“Way worse than running over Harry’s cat.” I dug my elbows into my knees and buried my face in my hands before mumbling, “Louis’ going to kill me.”

“Louis’ going to kill you?” Zayn questioned. “Why the hell would Louis…?” He took in a sharp, fast breath. “Holy fuck, did you…?”

I refused to look at him as I nodded slowly. “I slept with Mara. And what scares me is that I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”