Two Way Street

I glanced at my phone nervously as it lay ranging on the coffee table. The flat was empty, my friends were gone, and my boyfriend called way to often to be sensible. I frowned and answered it, feeling the guilt of ignored phone calls.

It had been two weeks and I had hundreds of missed calls under my belt, thousands of missed texts, and numerous ignored computer calls. For some reason, I couldn’t answer the phone. Not after the first week when I wasn’t thinking clearly because of the influence of alcohol.

Shame was the only emotion I could think of that encompassed all my feelings. I should have picked up the phone and answered Liam. I should have responded to the huge multitude of text messages he’d sent over the two weeks. I should have answered the video chats.

I knew he was only worried about me and I knew he was missing home. By calling that many times, I knew he was homesick. It was nice to know that he missed me enough to call me that many times, but realistically speaking, I didn’t want that kind of affection.

I didn’t even know if I wanted any sort of affection. Relationships were foreign to me and the idea of commitment was difficult to understand from me. I’d only been hurt in my life, from my family’s abandonment at a young age and the disappearances of multiple friends and companions, trusting was not my strong suit. I didn’t know how to rely on someone for everything. I didn’t know how to ask for help.

Harry practically forced me to move into his flat when he figured out that I couldn’t pay the rent well enough by myself. Every single day at work was torture and every night after my shift, I went to the pub down the street. The same pub that Liam and I were at that one night when we went home together.

“Mara?”

I swallowed hard as the thoughts of hanging up burst in my mind. “Hey, Liam. How are you?”

“I’m alright. Really knackered, but I’m alright. How are you?” he asked softly. I could hear the energetic laughing from the other boys in the background. I felt a smile leak up on my face. The thought of Harry crossed my mind and I instantly wanted a hug from him. Harry always had those hugs that crushed your ribs because he wanted to hold so tightly. And he was warm, so on cold nights, merely sitting by him would keep you warm.

I knew that he was wanting to ask why I hadn’t picked up his calls, but his self control didn’t permit him to. “I’m alright. It’s really quiet here. It’s really strange.”

“I wish I could say it was quiet here, but I’d be lying to the extreme. The boys all say hello, by the way.”

I smiled again. “Tell them I said hello as well. I miss you all like crazy.”

While that wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t the full truth either. I missed them a lot. I missed Harry’s hugs and his company in general. I missed Niall sharing his food with me and his blatant attempts to crack jokes that weren’t funny at all. I missed the pranks that Louis always played on me and the fact that he always made me tea no matter what kind of mood I was in. I missed borrowing books from Zayn and stealing his socks when I was spending time with all of them.

But Liam.

I wasn’t sure about Liam. I guess I missed him being around, but the affection was foreign to me and I didn’t understand his actions towards me. I was a bitch to him. I called him Wet Mop and gave him a fat lip. Maybe I even slapped him because I was angry. But I didn’t deserve his love. It seemed one sided, actually.

“I will. They all miss you too. Harry’s going crazy without you and Louis’ trying to pull all the pranks on Zayn, but Zayn’s not taking any of it. It’s not going to end well for Louis, I think.”

I nodded. “Sounds about right. Hey, can I talk to Lou? I need help with the uh...garbage disposal at his flat. I’m staying there for a while.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll talk to you soon, Mara. I love you.”

My smile faded completely until I was left sitting on the couch in Harry’s flat. I wasn’t staying at Louis’ place. I hadn’t set foot in there since our little spat weeks before they left. Our relationship was still suffering from the argument. “Love you too, Liam.”

There was a small silence, spanning the length of a few seconds before Louis’ voice came over the speaker. “Hey, Mar.”

“Hey, Lou. How are you?”

“Just peachy, love. I hear you’re having trouble with the garbage disposal at my flat? What’s going on?”

I swallowed hard and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my left arm around them. “I’m having trouble with the garbage disposal, Lou. It’s acting up and I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand the idea of it. I don’t know how to act around it.”

There was hesitation. “Flick the switch, Mar.”

“Louis, this is all code.”

“That would have been helpful to know. Did you check to see if there’s anything inside? You know, are you in denial perhaps? Maybe there’s nothing in there and you’re just imagining things.” His voice was warm and soft, so different from the last real conversation we’d had. Because we’d talked since then, but not real conversations. Merely the socially acceptable small talk, never the in depth conversations we’d always had before about everything and anything. “Because if there’s nothing there, then there’s no problem.”

“But if there is a problem there? What should I do, Louis? I’m second guessing everything in this relationship with the garbage disposal. He’s tearing everything to shreds. Everything that I used to know and everything that was set in concrete. It’s all gone now. It’s so destructive, Louis.” I bit my knuckle as I stared at the telly screen, the volume muted so I wouldn’t be distracted.

He sighed into the speaker. “It’s not about stability, Mar. It’s about trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone. If there is a problem there, then you need to talk to him about it. You need to make sure there’s no misunderstanding about what you two both want, alright? It’s a relationship that’s give and take. Just because you’re an orphan who has no family doesn’t mean that you can’t trust and stay in that relationship.”

I cleared my throat. “If the boys are around you, they won’t think you’re talking about the garbage disposal anymore.”

He laughed a little bit. “That was a very deep explanation about how to work the garbage disposal Mara. Trust that it’ll do what it’s made to do, alright? I’ve got to go. We’re about to have a sound check and Josh needs to talk to us about something.”

I nodded sadly. “Alright, Lou. Thanks for being there. I’m still sorry about what happened before. I promise I’ll tell you everything from now on.”

“I’m glad you started today. Consider our friendship mended.” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Give the others my love,” I whispered.

He laughed a little bit. “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to kiss Liam or cuddle with Harry. I’m set in my masculinity.”

I snorted in laughter. “Are you the one in denial?”

“Oh, hush. Let me know how things work out with the garbage disposal, Mara. I love you.”

“I love you too, Louis. Be safe.”

“I will.”

He hung up the phone before I could say anything else. I set it down on the armrest and unmuted the telly. What was I going to say to Garbage Disposal?