So Far Away

Being alone with two kids for three weeks is not easy when the other one is a baby that cries a lot, and the other one is a cranky five-year-old boy that needs a lot of attention.

It just didn't work for me, I couldn't give my 100% attention to the both of them. So, after two weeks, the three of us moved in with mom. We would be staying with her for a week, just until Jimmy got back home.

”I feel like a failure when I can't take care of my children without help,” I told mom one night.

We were sitting in the livingroom at 11PM and watching TV. Mason was playing with some toys on the floor because he refused to go to bed.

”It's not your fault, honey, and there's nothing wrong with asking for help,” mom told me.

”Yeah but I don't feel too good about this,” I mumbled with a sigh.

”I'm going to do everything I can to help you. I don't want to see you the way you were after Mason was born,” she whispered to me.

”This really is getting the best of me,” I admitted quietly.

”Do you feel like you're getting closer to the edge, honey?”

”Yeah,” I admitted and nodded.

”Have you talked to Jimmy about this?” she asked me.

”No. I don't want to disturb him while he's on tour. He has other things to worry about.”

”Rachel, honey... I'm going to call Jimmy,” she said and got up.

She went to look for her phone and I noticed that Mason had fallen asleep on the floor, next to his toys. I sighed and walked to him before picking him up from the floor. I started carrying him into the guestroom where his bed was. I put him in the bed, kissed his cheek and turned off the lights before leaving the room and closing the door.

I went back into the livingroom and found mom talking on the phone with Jimmy.

”Oh, here she is. I'll give the phone to her now!” mom said and rushed to give the phone to me.

I sat down and lifted it up to my ear.

”Hello?”

”Rach, is everything alright? Why haven't you told me about the way you feel?” he asked me and suddenly I felt really guilty.

I felt like I hadn't made it as a mother and like I had let everyone down.

”Because... I don't want to let you down,” I mumbled quietly.

”Don't worry about letting me down, Rachel. All that matters is that everything is okay with you!”

”Well everything is not okay. I can't do this on my own.”

”Do you want me to come back?” Jimmy asked after a moment of silence.

”That's exactly what I don't want. See, this is why I didn't say anything. There are more important things going on right now than the way I feel,” I said.

”There's nothing more important than my family, okay?”

”Well, either way, I'm not going to, like, kill myself if that's what you're worried about.”

”Don't even talk about that,” he said. He was being dead serious.

”Fine, whatever. I'm just saying.”

”Look, Rach, I want you to tell me about these kinds of things. Don't you think I deserve to know?” he asked me.

”Well yeah but not when you're on tour. Let's not even talk about this anymore, okay?”

”Are you going to be okay? Promise me you won't do anything stupid.”

”I promise, I promise,” I said and sighed, ”Stop worrying and have fun. I'll see you in a week anyway.”

”Stay with your mom, she will help you, right?”

”Right, yes. Goodnight, Jimmy,” I said.

”Bye. I love you!”

I put the phone away and sighed.

”Well? What did he say?” mom asked as I handed the phone to her.

”He's just worried, that's all,” I mumbled.

”You know what, how would you feel about doing something different tomorrow?” mom asked suddenly and smiled.

”Like what?”

”I don't know. Go shopping or go see a movie,” she said and shrugged.

”I don't know, mom... Who's going to look after the kids?”

”Becky and I can do that,” she told me.

”I'm not sure about this,” I said, ”I don't feel good about leaving the baby, not yet...”

”Oh, come on, honey, what's the worst that could happen? You trust us, don't you?”

”Of course I do, it's not about that.”

”Then what are you afraid of?” she asked me.

”I don't even know. I guess I could go out for a few hours,” I mumbled finally before standing up and yawning.

”Exactly,” mom nodded and got up from the couch before turning off the lights in the living room as we started walking out of there. I reached the guestroom and said goodnight before getting in.

I carefully changed into my pajamas before getting in bed as I tried not to wake up Mason or the baby. I didn't even understand how all three of us could possibly sleep in the same room. I mean, if the baby woke up and started crying, Mason would wake up and start whining and I would wake up. It just wasn't a very good idea for us to sleep in the same room.

The next morning I woke up when mom walked into the room. I looked at her as she picked up the baby and grinned like a fool before walking out. I furrowed my eyebrows and got up from the bed before following her out of the room.

I found her in the kitchen as she started feeding the baby. She sat down and watched as the baby slowly drank the milk from the baby bottle.

”Morning,” I said and looked at the two of them from the doorway.

”Oh, good morning, honey,” mom said, looked at me, smiled and then looked at the baby again.

The next few moments were spent in silence as we both enjoyed the calming peace.

”What are you going to name the baby?” mom asked suddenly and looked at me again.

I shrugged; I had no idea. I hadn't even thought about it after the baby had been born.

”I don't know yet. Jimmy and I haven't talked about it,” I told her.

”Have you found any names that you like yet?”

”I like Melanie and Molly. And Jimmy likes Madison. That's as far as we've got.”

”They're all really nice,” mom said and nodded, ”They all go together with Mason which is good.”

”Exactly.”

Some time later I got dressed and put on some make up for the first time in weeks. Then I grabbed my keys and my wallet and left the house.

First I went shopping. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd been shopping and it felt good to buy some new clothes for myself and for the baby. Too bad I was running out of money and couldn't buy a lot of new things.

After I'd been shopping, I sat in my car for a while. My phone rang all of a sudden and I picked it up before answering. It was Matt which surprised me a bit.

”Rachel? I'm calling from the hospital...”

”Huh? What's happened? Is everybody okay?” I asked and my heart skipped a beat. Calls like that made me really think of the worst.

”Last night Jimmy got a bit too fucking drunk. He fell and hit his head and got a concussion,” he told me.

”Oh my god,” I gasped, ”Is he okay, though? Why does he do such stupid things when he's drunk?”

”I don't know. He kept saying how worried of you he was and how things weren't alright. It didn't really make sense but he seemed to be upset,” Matt said.

”This is all my fault. I shouldn't have called him last night. If I hadn't, he wouldn't have gotten so drunk...” I mumbled with a sigh. Now I felt horrible.

”Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know. He's going to be fine, he just won't be able to play the show tonight. But we will figure something out so don't worry.”

”Thanks, Matt. Thanks for letting me know and taking care of him.”

I put the phone away and sighed. After that, I didn't feel like doing anything fun anymore. I just wanted to go back home and do nothing.

When I got back to mom's place, I found mom, the baby and Mason on the back yard. The baby was asleep on mom's lap and Mason was reading a book to mom.

”Oh, you came back already!” mom said as I sat down next to them.

”I did. Matt called me. Jimmy got a concussion,” I told her. Her eyes went wide and she gasped.

”Oh my god! Is he okay now?”

”Yeah, I suppose he is. It just scared me,” I admitted with a shrug.

I reached closer and carefully took the baby from mom and lifted her up against my chest.

”Of course it did,” mom nodded and touched my shoulder, ”But he will be home next week and then the two of you can be together.”