So Far Away

My relationship with Jimmy was not working. There was a spark missing and I didn't know how to save our marriage. In fact, I wasn't even too sure if I wanted to save it.

We had once been ”everyone's favourite couple” and that couple that would never break up. Well, as time went by, things obviously changed and a lot happened. It had all become too much for me and I was looking for an easy way out. Briefly, I wanted a divorce.

It's not like I didn't love my husband, because I certainly did. It was just that I had a feeling that I was slowly falling out of love with him. I wanted, while I was still young, see if I actually could feel that strong love again with somebody else. I knew what I was thinking about was horrible and wrong and it made me look like an awful person but I couldn't help the way I felt.

We had been together for nearly ten years, we had two wonderful kids and we enjoyed each other but there was something missing. Of course when you're together with somebody for that long, it gets boring. And I realized that my life as a mother and a wife had become too boring.

Jimmy had always been really popular. He had a lot of friends, he went out pretty much every night, he was a famous drummer, everybody loved him. And while he had been all of that, I had been a nobody. And don't get me wrong, I didn't want to become famous nor did I want to have tons of friends. I was perfectly fine with the ones I had, they were all I needed.

But being the nobody in a relationship wasn't easy. I mean, every time Jimmy was on tour, I was back at home looking after the kids. Every time he went out to a bar, I was at home. Every time he did anything, I was at home. I didn't get a chance to live my own life because I let Jimmy live his dream. It wasn't nice or easy for me.

From day one I had known that if I ever needed to leave our relationship, it could be done. Jimmy wasn't going to force me to be with him if I was unhappy. Of course he was going to fight to save it but he would let me go if I had to go.

-

The sun was shining outside as I opened the door into my new, very own apartment.

It wasn't much because I wasn't filthy rich but it was enough for me and my kids, Mason and Madison.

It had already been over a year since Madison had been born, and that year must've been the longest in my life. A lot had happened but gladly Madison had turned out to be a wonderful little girl.

Well, anyway, I looked at the apartment and sighed. I realized that this was the first step of getting out of our marriage.

Of course, being the coward I was, I hadn't yet told Jimmy about the apartment. In fact, he knew nothing about my intentions but I was going to have a long conversation with him. I was going to let him know that I wanted a divorce.

I left the aparment soon after I realized that I had to pick up the kids from mom's place. So I did that, and then drove home where I found Jimmy.

”Hey,” he said as I sat down in the kitchen, ”How was your day?”

”It was okay,” I said quietly and shrugged, ”Look, I think we need to talk...”

”About what?”

”About this. About everything, our relationship, the kids... All of this.”

”Well, what about this?” he asked me.

”Can we talk a bit later? When the kids are asleep...” I trailed off as Mason walked into the kitchen while carrying his little sister.

”She's very heavy, mom,” Mase whined and put the kid down.

”Is she? She's gone a bit chubby, I suppose,” I said and forced a smile on my face. Madison giggled at the word chubby and Mason ruffled her hair.

Mason had become such a good big brother. He always took care of Maddy and made sure that if she needed food, she got food or that if she wanted to play, she got to play. Mase wasn't jealous of her anymore which had made life a lot easier for everybody.

The kids went to be at nine (well, Maddy fell asleep at seven already) and Jimmy and I went to our back yard.

He lit up a cigarette and I watched as he smoked for a while.

”So what did you want to talk about?” he asked finally.

”Jimmy, what do you think about our relationship?”

”Uh... It's a, uh, it's a relationship,” he said and shrugged.

”I'm going to put this briefly, okay?”

”Mmhm, okay.”

”I want a divorce,” I said.

Jimmy froze and just stared at me for at least five minutes without saying anything.

”What? Are you serious?” he asked and furrowed his eyebrows.

”Yes. I've been thinking about this a lot and I don't mean to upset you but – ”

”You don't mean to upset me? Are you fucking kidding me, Rachel? My own wife wants a divorce and then expects me to be alright with it? What kind of bullshit is this? Are you on drugs? Have you lost your mind? You can't just, out of nowhere, tell me that you want to break up!” he exclaimed, getting upset.

”Our relationship isn't working. You have to understand that I can't just be in a relationship without feeling anything – ”

”So, what, don't you love me anymore? Is that it?”

”Of course I love you. I just don't think we can be happy if we're not fully into this,” I told him. He shook his head.

”Unbelievable. Is there someone else?”

”What?”

”Are you seeing somebody else? Tell me!”

”No, of course not!”

”Then why would you all of a sudden want a fucking divorce? Rach, I really don't understand what is going on but I'm going to assume that you're not being serious right now. We've been together for, what, ten years? You cannot just expect me to let you go after all this time,” he told me.

”You have to see my point of view in this, Jimmy.”

”How could I? You never tell me about the way you feel!”

And that's when I told him how I felt. I told him all of the reasons for why I wanted a divorce. I told him that it was hard to me to be with the kids when he was gone and take care of everything by myself. I told him that I couldn't forget about the fact that he had a son with Isabella.

”So after all, you never really could get over the fact that I have a child with another woman,” Jimmy muttered, ”Even though you know that I don't love anybody like I love you.”

”It's not just about that,” I said and shook my head, ”I don't expect for you to forgive me for doing this but I only hope you would understand my reasons for wanting this.”

”What is it that you want?”

”I want to be happy again. I want to love somebody with all my heart. I want to feel worth something. I want... I want something different,” I said quietly.

”Rach... Is there anything I can do to save this?”

”I don't think there is,” I admitted and shook my head, ”We've fought our fights, Jimmy. I think...
I think we can both find true love again, somewhere else.”

”You made a promise that you would always be here, that you would never leave, no matter what was going on. And when I married you, I married you for life,” he said quietly.

”I'm sorry,” I whispered and sighed, ”I'm so sorry for doing this to you.”

”And what about the kids?”

”The kids... The kids will still be there. Since you'll be on tour every once in a while, I think it's the best if they live with me.”

”I guess you're right,” he said and nodded, ”Yeah.”

We talked for at least an hour about it. We decided that it would be easier for us if we didn't really see each other anymore. Of course we would meet whenever the kids visited their father or at birthday parties but other than that, we didn't want to see each other.

But before we broke up, we made a deal.

We made a deal that if in five years' time we were both still single, we would go out. We would get to know to each other again and we would see if it went anywhere from there. We would at least give our relationship one more chance.

And... If we were both happily married or in a relationship with other people, well, then... We would be happy for each other and that's that.