So Far Away

”Honey, mommy will come pick you up tomorrow. And you know, you can call me if you start to miss me... Which I doubt since you've got your girlfriend here and everything,” I mumbled and looked at Mason who was standing in front of me.

It was his first sleepover. He would be staying at Brian and Michelle's place. He would be sleeping in little Rosie's room and get to spend time with his best buddy (or a girlfriend as the guys said because we were pretty sure that the two of them would get married once they were older).

I think it was a lot harder for me to be away from him than it was for him to be away from his mom.

I'd spent five years with that little buddy. It was hard to see him grow up and do his own things. It was hard to realize that he didn't need me so much anymore.

One day he would forget about me and... Okay, I wasn't going to cry in front of everyone.

I took a deep breath in and pinched Mason's cheek.

”I'm going to miss you so much,” I whispered to him.

Jimmy laughed and patted my back. I stood up straight and smiled sadly at Mason.

”Come on, Rach, you will see him tomorrow. He's a big boy already, aren't you?” Jimmy ruffled Mason's hair who nodded.

Brian and Michelle were looking at us as we said goodbye to our child.

”You three make a great family,” Michelle said and smiled.

”Uh... Thanks,” I said and forced a smile on my face.

”Thanks for looking after this little buddy. We get a chance to get some alone time,” Jimmy said with a grin.

He wrapped his arm around my waist which made the whole situation extremely uncomfortable for me.

”No problem. Rachel's been looking after Rose so many times,” Brian said.

Jimmy and I were going to go out on a dinner later that night. We were trying to make our relationship better and thought that a dinner alone would be a perfect time to have a chat about the future.

I didn't bother to dress up nicely so I walked into the restaurant in my jeans and a white t-shirt.

Jimmy and I ordered our food and sat there waiting for it to arrive.

”What are we going to do after we've finished eating?” Jimmy asked as he looked at me.

I shrugged.

”Whatever you want to do. I don't care so it's up to you,” I said and looked away.

”Well what do you want to do?”

”I told you, it's up to you.”

”Fine, okay...”

”We don't have to do anything. You can just go to a bar or something,” I muttered.

”I want to hang out with you.”

”Yeah, well, I'm not sure if I want to ”hang out” with you,” I said.

He furrowed his eyebrows as he reached over the table and grabbed my hand.

”Rach, why are you acting like that?” he asked me.

”You know, I'm trying really hard to act normal in this situation. I'm trying my best to forget the fact that you have a child with some other woman. So, please, don't push me,” I said.

”I'm trying to fix this. I'm trying to fix all of this – my marriage, my sons, my life – and you're not able to even try to understand me,” he said and shook his head.

”Fine, okay. Let's not talk about this anymore,” I muttered and crossed my arms over my chest.

We waited for about fifteen minutes in silence for the food to arrive and once we started eating, we didn't even look at each other until we had both finished.

”I'm going to pay for my own food,” I told him and pulled out my wallet from my bag.

”Why?”

”Because I want to, that's why,” I muttered.

”Why do you have to fight about everything, Rach?” he asked me, ”Is it because of the pregnancy and the hormones?”

”No. It's because I'm going to prove to you that I can do this on my own. You need to know that if we break up, I can do this without you,” I said.

He didn't know what to say so he kept his mouth shut until we both had paid for our own food.

We left the restaurant and drove home in silence.

As I was getting out of the car, Jimmy opened his mouth.

”You know what, I feel like you don't want to be with me tonight so I'm going to the bar with Johnny,” he told me. I glared at him.

”Mmhm.”

”What, are you mad now because of that? I don't understand you. Earlier you said that you didn't want to spend time with me and it was okay for me to go out. And now you don't want me to go?” he exclaimed.

He was getting frustarted with me.

”Do whatever you want to do,” I muttered.

I closed the car door and started walking to the house. Jimmy got out of the car and rushed after me.

”Wait, wait! Am I missing out on something?” he asked as he grabbed my hand and stopped me.

”Just go already!” I exclaimed.

He held on to my hand tightly and looked at me.

”Do you want me to stay here with you?” he asked quietly and touched my cheek with his other hand.

”I don't know.”

”What do you mean, you don't know? Do you want me here or not?”

”I don't know!” I exclaimed and tried to push him away.

It had been a rather horrible day and I was missing Mason a lot and I just wanted to snuggle under blankets and be comfortable.

I didn't want to fight with the person I loved.

I didn't want people to shout at me.

I shed a few tears as I tried to get Jimmy to let me go.

”What's wrong, Rach? Talk to me,” he demaded.

”Stop shouting at me, okay? I'm scared! I'm scared that this whole thing won't work out and I'm scared of losing you. I'm pregnant, having another baby in six months and I know that I can't do this without you! So you have to stop shouting at me and start taking care of me!” I mumbled through sniffles.

”I'm not going to go anywhere! It's you who's pushing me away!” he exclaimed.

He took a few steps back and I started to cry harder.

”You don't know what you want. Do you want to be with me?” he shouted and I flinched.

”I know what I did was wrong but if you know that you're not able to forgive me, there's no point in continuing this relationship. So do you want me?” he kept shouting at me and I could only look at him through my teary eyes.

”Why are you suddenly angry at me?” I mumbled and tried to wipe my eyes.

”I'm sick of this bullshit, I'm not angry at you. I just want you to tell me if there's future for us!” he exclaimed, ”Say it! Yes or no! I swear to god, I will leave if you want me to. Just say it!”

”You're scaring me!” I screamed at him.

”Well you're scaring me!” he exclaimed and took a deep breath in.

For the next two minutes we stood there in silence.

He was breathing slowly and I knew that he had calmed down.

He started shaking his head slowly as he started walking back to his car.

”You don't want me here. You would've asked me to stay if you wanted me to be here,” he muttered quietly.

”Are you just going to leave me here alone crying?” I exclaimed.

”Yeah,” he told me, ”Have a fucking great night!”

After he had gone, I sat down on the cold ground and buried my face in my hands.

I hated this. I hated the fact that we fought and I hated that he wouldn't be spending the night with me.