Spinning.

When I woke up the next morning, John was nowhere to be found. Voices were coming from the front of the bus, and the sun was filtering through the windows. I sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from my eyes before pushing myself off the couch. The pain in my ankle is still there, but duller than it had been last night. I grabbed the crutches, carefully navigating my way to the front of the bus, where John (who was already dressed) and Jared were talking to Ian and Mason.

“Hey! There's sleeping beauty!” Jared laughed as I sat down at the table.

“Shut up,” I mumbled, still half asleep.

“How's the ankle?” Mason asked.

“Sore as shit. I want coffee.”

John stood up, moving behind me to do something. A minute later, he set a cup of coffee and tylenol in front of me. “I'd give you the stuff they prescribed you but that'll probably knock you out again.” He chuckled.

“Thanks,” I popped the pills in my mouth and washed them down with some coffee. John took a seat across the table from me, earning me a knowing smirk from Jared.

“Oh yeah, and your mom called you this morning. You should probably call her back, I think she's worried about your ankle.”

“Moms,” I chuckled, the caffeine kicking in. “I suppose I should go do that. And maybe get dressed.”

“Yeah, just maybe. It's only two in the afternoon.” Jared laughed.

“Shut up! No it's not. I didn't sleep that late.” I scolded, not believing him.

“Yeah you did!” Mason pointed at the clock, laughing at my face.

“Shit! I've gotta go get ready!” I hopped up, abandoning the others (and my coffee) before going in search of clothes.

“P.S. I want my clothes back!” John shouted after me, earning a laugh from the others in the front.

“You're the one who gave them to me!” I mocked him, earning more laughter from the front.

I hunted down some clothes that would be easy to put on with my ankle and changed in the bathroom, putting on my make-up while I was in there. When I finished, I folded up John's sweatpants and t-shirts before tossing them at him.

“Ew, now my clothes smell like girl.” He scrunched his face up as the sweatpants hit him in the chest, earning rolled eyes from me as I went to find my phone.

“Where's my phone?” I shouted, looking through the back lounge and not finding it.

“It's up here!” Jared shouted back, and returning to the front of the bus I grabbed it from him.

“Holy shit.” I had about 12 text messages and 5 missed calls from my parents and Ava, all saying to call them asap.

I returned to the back lounge and called my parents first.

“Hello?” My mom answered, frantic.

“Mom, it's me.”

“Oh Beret. I've been trying to call you all day!” She scolded.

“Sorry Mom, I literally got up maybe 30 minutes ago.”

“It's alright, but I did get quite the shock when a boy answered your phone. John, I think it was?”

“Probably.” I chuckled. “Anyways, what's up?”

“Two things: First of all, how is your ankle?” She still sounded concerned, but I just figured that was just because of the the ankle.

“It's alright. I only sprained it so that's good, but I have crutches for about a couple of weeks so that sucks.”

“Well I'm glad to hear it isn't broken. It looked pretty bad on that picture. I'm sure your father will be happy to know that it isn't broken as well.”

“Yup. What was the other reason?”

I could hear my mother inhale sharply on the phone. “Well... it's Grandpa Joe.” I froze. My Grandpa Joe had Alzheimer’s, and while I knew it was getting worse, I didn't think it had been that bad.

“Um, uh mom, what about Grandpa Joe?” I stuttered, lowering my voice.

“Oh honey, he's gotten a lot worse. They don't know how much longer he's going to be around.” My mom was on the edge of tears on from the other end of the phone.

“What, mom I thought he wasn't th-that bad yet?”

“I know, none of us did.” She started to cry, her distorted voice echoing through the phone.

“Mom, mom. Oh please don't cry.” I coaxed, trying to keep myself calm.

“I just want you to be able to say goodbye before he goes, baby. I know he loved you so much.”

“If I have to take my next day off and fly up there I will, mom. Just say the word and I'll go. We have one tomorrow. I'll leave as soon as the show is done tonight, okay?” My voice was shaking as my resolve to not cry slowly crumbled.

“Oh, sweetie. We'll pick you up from the airport, we're already in Milwaukee.” My mom tried to calm herself down, voice still trembling.

“Okay, Mom,” I took a deep breath. “I'll get a flight figured out, and I'll let you know when I'm coming, okay?”

“I love you, Beret.”

“I love you too, Mom. I'm going to go now, okay? Tell dad I say hi.”

“Alright sweetie. We love you and we miss you.”

“I miss you guys too. Love you.”

I hung up the phone and went back out, on a mission to find Carolyn and get this taken care of.

“Whoa where are you going?” Ian called after me as I powered my way off the bus.

“I need to find Carolyn, now!” I shouted back, descending from the bus and heading into the venue. I hunted for a few minutes before finding her lounging backstage, talking to Tim.

“Oh Beret! Good, you're finally up. How's the ankle?” She warmly greeted me, Tim flashing a smile and a wave.

“Not important. Carolyn,” I panted, out of breath from moving so fast on crutches, “I need to book a flight to Milwaukee tonight. Like, I need to leave as soon as signing is done and I'll meet you guys at the next city before the next show.”

“What?” Carolyn and Tim both looked at me, confused. “What's going on?”

“I, uh, family emergency. Just, please. Can you do it as soon as possible and let me know?”

“Yeah, I'll get on that right now.” Carolyn sounded surprised, but she agreed and stood up to leave.

“Thanks!” I left them and searched for a place to be alone, trying to figure out how I was going to get through the airport with crutches and a carry on bag. The venue was deserted and had a lot of seats, so I found myself going for a seat in the back of the venue. I rubbed my temples, still processing that my Grandpa was close to dying now. I always knew the day would come, and I was always surprised that there was such a long gap between when my Grandma had passed away and when my Grandpa would pass, since they were still very much in love when she died and it had been hard on my Grandpa. Despite this, it was still hard to process.

“So, what's in Milwaukee?”

I looked up, turning around to see Jared sitting behind me.

“How did you know that I was going to Milwaukee?”

“I just ran into Carolyn. You confused the shit out of her.”

“I don't really want to talk about it.”

“I feel like you say that a lot lately. You're always saying it on the phone with people. And anytime someone brings up--”

I sighed. “Jared, please.”

“Fine.” He tossed his hands up. “Do you want someone to come with you?”

“I don't know why anyone would want to come with me.”

“Well, you have crutches, and I imagine that trying to take a bag and crutches would be complicated.”

“It's not like they'd have anything to do while I'm there. I'm going to be sitting in a hospital and putting up with a lot of crying people.”

“Yeah but I'm sure you wouldn't mind having the company of a certain--”

“Jared. I'm really not in the mood.” I snapped.

“He'd bend over backwards for you. If you asked him to go, he'd do it. I feel like last night was enough proof of that.”

I groaned. “He got to see me high on painkillers. I feel like that was both mortifying for me and night-making for him.”

“Well yeah, you gave him a confidence boost there, but that wasn't why he went. It's not like he knew they were going to dose you up before you left.”

I sighed, not saying anything. I didn't want to deal with this right now.

“I don't know why you're so weird about all of this. It's like you think he hates you when he's definitely showing you otherwise.”

“Jared.” I snapped at him again. “I have bigger things to worry about than my boy problems. Please just drop it.”

I heard him stand up from behind me, leaving as he called over his shoulder “At least tell him where you're going.” I rolled my eyes in response. I knew Jared had a point, but I had bigger things to worry about.



Between packing a backpack for while I was gone, sound checks, and a surprise interview, not to mention the show and signing, I didn't have a chance to tell anyone else I was leaving. It wasn't even until I had gotten to Milwaukee that I remembered I was supposed to call Ava, but at that point I knew she would be asleep so I sent her a text message apologizing and swearing I'd call her in the morning. I spent most of the night sitting in the waiting room for the intensive care unit, where my Grandpa's Alzheimer’s complications had placed him. I was able to go back a couple of times, spending a little time in the cramped hospital room before having to trade out with my other relatives. Hardly anyone said anything, too consumed in thoughts of what was happening to really have a conversation, even when we were in the waiting room. My mom cried a lot, so most of my time there was spent comforting her, along with my dad. Michael's flight didn't get in until noon the next day, so I welcomed the break to go get him and get out of the hospital.

“Well, look who we have here!” He smiled at me as he came out of the terminal.

“Hey Bro.” I smiled sadly at him, wishing that I was seeing him under different circumstances.

“Is mom a wreck?” He asked, knowing the answer.

“I don't think she's stopped crying since she called me yesterday.” I sighed, moving out to the car with him and unlocking it so he could throw his stuff in.

“This is going to be rough, isn't it?”

“Yup. How long are you staying?” I asked him.

“Only until Sunday, I have to get back to school then. You?”

“I leave tomorrow morning, I have to play a show tomorrow night.”

“Brutal. Did you cancel a show tonight?”

“No, we had a day off.”

“That sucks, you don't even get to enjoy your day off.”

“It's life.” I shrugged, focusing on driving.

“So how's your life besides spraining the shit out of your ankle and Grandpa?”

“It's okay, I guess.” I half-heartedly answered.

“Only okay? I thought you loved touring.”

“I do, it's just that some things are complicated.”

“Did you get a boyfriend?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“No, that's what makes it complicated.”

“Falling for a band boy?”

“Yup.” I popped the P, “and everyone keeps trying to tell me what to do about it, even though I feel like none of it helps and just makes things more complicated, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't remember how to do this whole liking people thing.”

“Fuck them. Listen to your heart.” He shrugged.

“How cliché of you.” I sarcastically told him.

“No, seriously though. Follow your heart. Don't do something you're uncomfortable doing because someone else thinks it's a good idea. That's not you. If you want someone to like you, they should like you for who you are, even if you think you're a horrible flirt or whatever. Getting too caught up in what other people think you should do makes you look like someone you're not. Does that make sense?”

I drove silently, thinking for a moment about what he just said.

“I think that was what I needed to hear.” I felt the smile creep onto my face.

“It's why I'm the older brother.” He smirked.

“Oh shut up.” I reached over and playfully hit him.

“I'm just saying. Now which one is it that you're crushing over?”

“If you must know, his name is John.”

“The singer of the Maine?” Micheal looked over at me.

“Yeah, him.”

“I liked him. He's a good guy. Parties pretty hard, but he's a good guy.”

“He's a rockstar. We all party hard.” I cracked a grin.

“That's true, you're a 'go hard or go home' person yourself.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

“But the important part of this is that I approve. Because as your older brother, I reserve the right to beat up boys who break your heart.”

“Oh good, now I can move on with my life knowing that important detail.” I sarcastically responded, rolling my eyes.

“I'm just saying, if you wanted to lock him in a closet and do things to him I'd look the other way for you.”

“Eew! Micheal!” I felt the heat rising off my cheeks and I smacked him again.

“Hey, that one hurt!”

“You're making gross sex comments. I don't want to hear that from my brother.”

He grinned. “You know you love me.”

“I suppose I do.”

Parking the car, we climbed out and made our way into the hospital. Michael gave me a reassuring smile, holding the door open for me. As we made our way up to the waiting room, I silently thanked god that I was so lucky to have a brother like him. He always had my back, and I knew that would never change.



Slowly making my way through the terminal, I began to look for where I would find my way out to the baggage claim in the airport. The rest of my time in Milwaukee hadn't been very interesting, mostly sitting and waiting and comforting my mom, occasionally sneaking away with my brother and dad for food, and sneaking away once to call Ava. Finally finding the way out to baggage claim, I began scanning the area for a familiar face, not knowing who exactly was supposed to pick me up.

“Beret!” John's raspy voice called out, and recognizing the voice I started searching for where he was. Spotting him, I made my way over, giving him an awkward smile.

“Hey, sorry no one said who was coming to get me so I didn't know I was looking for you.” I mumbled, suddenly feeling guilty for not telling him where I went.

“It's fine.” He spoke quietly, wrapping me in a hug. “Why didn't you tell us where you went?”

I sighed. “I got caught up in it all, I guess.”

“But you told Jared.” He sounded hurt, disappointment in his eyes.

“I didn't tell Jared. Carolyn did. Then we talked.” I clarified.

“Well why did you talk to Jared? You could have come to me.”

“Because Jared forced me to talk, even when I told him I didn't want to.”

John sighed, knowing what I meant. “Yeah, he does that sometimes.”

He let go of me, taking my backpack before slinging it over his shoulder and leading me out to where he parked. We spent most of the drive in silence, the only sounds coming from the radio. John would occasionally lick his lips and glance over at me, unsure if he should say anything or just stay silent.

“He's gonna die.” The words came out without me giving them a second thought, though they were barely audible. I didn't look away from the window, trying to come to terms with what was happening.

“Who's he?” John hesitantly asked, not wanting to push the subject.

“My grandpa.” I could feel my eyes watering, so I began rapidly blinking back the tears.

“I'm sorry, Beret.” He reached his spare hand out, grabbing one of my hands and giving it a squeeze.

“I had to go say my goodbyes. That's where I was.”

We drove for a little while, the silence settling back in.

“Do the others know?”

“No. I only told Carolyn and Jared it was a family emergency.”

He nodded, focusing on the road.

“Well, if you want to talk or something, I'm here.”

I turned and smiled glumly at him. “Thanks.”

After another silence, we stopped at a gas station to get something to eat and so John could run to the bathroom, John insisting on buying my food for me. He followed me back out to the car, making sure my crutches didn't slip on anything before he moved around to the other side.

“Hey, so I started working on that song for Valentine's day-- 'Enchanted,' right?” Climbing back into the car, John turned and grinned at me.

“Really?” I suddenly got excited, remembering that Valentine's day was in fact coming up and that we were actually going to do the duet.

“Yeah, we should work on it when we get back. I ran it with Alex and Ryan yesterday and it went pretty well, we were thinking that if you felt like it we could do the first whole-group run through soon.”

“Wow, that sounds great! I'm not going to lie, I had kind of forgotten about it with everything that's been going on lately.” I confessed, a little embarrassed.

“It has been pretty crazy.” He shrugged.

We rounded the corner, our buses coming into view. Everyone was helping unload the trailers, moving in and out with boxes, amplifiers, and other equipment for the night.

“Getting out of unloading by driving?” I joked, knowing his distaste for heavy lifting.

“Oh, you know it.” He chuckled. “Actually I thought we would be back before unloading even started, I must have lucked out with that gas station stop.”

“Totally.” I laughed as he went around the car to help me out, handing me my crutches before following me onto the bus. I laid back on the couch up front, sinking into the plush.

“Ah,” I sighed contentedly. “I never thought I'd say I missed a tour bus couch.”

“Wow, that bad?” John replied, setting my bag down.

“Waiting room couches are so much worse. Also, I slept on said waiting room couches. Not fun.”

John lifted my head up, moving underneath it so his leg acted as a pillow. “You should leave room for me every once in a while, you know.”

I sprawled out, shooting him a grin. “All for me, and none for you.”

“Whatever.” He pretended to be offended, pulling my hair out of the bun I had tied it up in so he could run his fingers through it.

“I'm going to fall asleep if you keep doing that.”

“It sounds like you could use some sleep. Don't worry, I'll make sure you're up when you need to be.”

Giving up any resolve to stay awake, I closed my eyes and relaxed into him, letting the sensation of his fingers dancing across my scalp pull me into sleep.



“What if we split so we're doing harmonies here?” I pointed to the lyrics on the page, John and the rest of the band surrounding me. “It'll change things up a little bit, kind of help pick up the energy as we hit the home stretch.”

We had been practicing the new cover for almost an hour now, and it was sounding surprisingly good. We tweaked it so it didn't sound quite as much like a Taylor Swift song, using pedals and keyboards to stray away from the pop sound and go more for a vibe like the rest of the Lady Says stuff. It was one of our days off, so we decided we'd devote the first part of the day to finally hammering out the cover before we went off to explore, something that was a little difficult with the crutches. However, I only had about a week left before I could just walk on it.

We ran the chorus again, adding more harmonies in as we improvised the additional parts. We kept at this, adding and subtracting parts from different voices and instruments on different parts of the song until we had a set-up that we really liked. For good measure, we ran the song with our final set-up, making sure to record it so if we couldn't remember a part we could go back and draw off of the recording.

“We're supposed to do a tour update soon, aren't we?” Ian asked as we wrapped up, still sitting on an amplifier.

“Shit. Yeah, we're supposed to do that.” I chuckled. “Who wants to film?”

Dave grabbed his videocamera, turning it on before pointing it at us.

“Here, I got it.” John grabbed the videocamera from Dave, having us all flash grins.

“Oh hey,” I laughed. “Tour update!”

“We're in Cleveland Ohio right now! It's very Cleveland Ohio-y!” Alex started, pulling a chuckle out of us. “And we're currently just wrapping up some rehearsing, because sound checks and concerts alone aren't enough playing for us.”

“Tour has been going pretty well so far,” I jumped in. “We've been having really awesome audiences! So thank you guys for that. We've got a day off today so we're going to explore for a while after this, join the guys from The Maine for some fun before we have to get serious and play more shows.” I chuckled.

“And speaking of the Maine, John's actually behind the camera right now, since he was crashing our rehearsal.” Mason grabbed the camera from John and turned it around, John waving before Mason turned to the rest of us.

“Anyways, we're not an exciting bunch. So we're going to go get some lunch now. Hope you all are well, and we hope to catch you at a show soon!” We waved as the camera turned off, letting us stop.

“Wow, you guys aren't a band of many words.” John laughed.

“Well, they normally mix in a lot of video of us doing dumb stuff so we don't have to do much talking.” Alex explained, earning a fist bump from Ryan. “So, where are we getting lunch?”

No one could agree on a type of food to get, so we decided to spread out and everyone could get whatever they wanted, thinking we could just meet up again afterwards.

“What do you want to do after we get food?” John asked, strolling alongside me as we made our way down the street.

“I don't know, I don't really want to crutch around everywhere.” I stopped at the corner, shrugging.

“Maybe we could rent a movie or something?”

“What kind of movie were you thinking?” We crossed the street, keeping our eyes peeled for a place that looked good.

“I don't know, whatever. I just feel like a lazy afternoon would be relaxing.”

“That sounds like a great plan. I'm down for that.”

After wandering around for what felt like ages, we finally settled on Thai food. John spent most of the lunch laughing at me and my inability to handle spicy foods, ordering my meal with the minimum amount of spice possible, while he ordered his with as much spice as they would put on it. We did spend some time talking about other things though, among them arguing the merits of having a cat versus having a dog (he wants a dog, I want a cat) and the books we had been reading lately (we decided we'd have to trade reading lists, since we enjoyed similar literature).

“What movie are we going to pick?” John asked, putting the money down for our lunch on the table before helping me out of the booth.

“I don't know, what kind of mood are we in?”

“I already told you, I'm down for whatever.”

“Well I can't think of anything off the top of my head, maybe when we get back we'll see what our options are.”

The walk back was similar to the conversation we had at lunch, darting between various topics and often involving us teasing each other about our opinions. Getting back to the hotel we were staying in, we went up to John and Jared's room to watch the movie, John hooking up their xbox so we could use the netflix.

“Here, you know how to use this, right?” John tossed me the controller, climbing back onto the bed where I was sitting.

“Well yeah,” I laughed, rolling my eyes. “I have a brother you know. And I live with how many guys?”

“Well played, Beret. Well played.”

“What about True Blood?” I asked, scrolling through the options.

“Wait, True Blood?” John gawked at me, confused by my suggestion. “That's a TV show, you know that right?”

“Yeah...” I trailed off. “I mean, I've always wanted to see it, but never had the opportunity. Ava doesn't ever shut up about it.”

“Okay,” John shrugged. “If you want to watch it, we can watch it.”

I selected the first episode and sat back, John's arm wrapped around me.

It didn't take long before I figured out why Ava was obsessed with True Blood: So. Much. Sex.

The first time they have sex in the show wasn't even very far into the first episode, causing both John and I's eyes to pop out of our heads. It didn't stop us from continuing to watch past the first episode, though. Each time a new sex scene would start, I could feel John's grip around me tighten slightly, and by the fourth episode I noticed that John was getting a little excited. He kept licking his lips, and I couldn't help but notice the slight bulge appearing in his pants. To be fair though, I was in a similar position, chewing on my bottom lip and fiddling with the hem of my shirt to try and distract me from what I was feeling.

I adjusted my position on the bed, my shirt apparently riding up a little and leaving my hip slightly exposed. John's fingers accidentally brushed against my skin, sending my head in circles and lighting my skin on fire. I choked on air from trying not to obviously react, assuming that he didn't realize what I was reacting to.

“What?” He asked, licking his lip.

“Nothing.” I lied, trying to keep a straight face.

“You're lying.” He cocked his eyebrow at me.

“No, it's nothing.” I swore, shaking my head.

“Right.” He rolled his eyes.

“What would you do if I wore that in public?” I joked, pointing at a barely-there outfit one of the characters was sporting.

“You realize I'd have to beat the guys off of you if you did that, right?”

“More reason for me to wear it: see John get beaten up by crazy horny guys.” I laughed, earning a playful shove from John.

“Please, I could totally kick some ass.”

I returned his push, taunting. “Yeah, maybe the ass of a seven year old girl.”

“Nice try!” He reached over and started tickling me, causing me to squeal and start squirming around. I managed to reach out and start tickling him as well, the two of us rolling around on the bed. Suddenly John had me pinned down, his face hovering mere inches above mine. We both froze, looking each other straight in the eyes. His breath tickled my skin, smelling like mint and cigarettes with each breath he took. I nervously swallowed the knot in my throat, wondering if John was going to close the gap between us or not, but before he had the chance to do that Jared burst in.

“Hey J—Oh! Shit!” Jared turned bright red, causing John to roll off of me and start stuttering.

“Oh my god Jared this isn't what it looks like!” I could feel my face flushing, words tumbling out of my mouth in an attempt to make sense of what was going on.

“Were you two just-- “

“NO!” John and I simultaneously responded, both extremely embarrassed by the situation we had gotten ourselves into.

“Oh my god!” Jared covered his face with his hands. “Oh shit. Wow. Okay I'm leaving now!” He practically ran out of the room, leaving John and I to ourselves. Neither of us even looked at each other for a couple minutes before I broke the silence.

“Welp...” I flopped back onto the bed, my face still burning.

“I... guess the guys are back.” John rubbed his forehead, trying to regain his composure.

“Maybe we should join them?” I awkwardly responded, making a mental note to kill Jared next time I had him alone.

“I guess so.” John sighed, standing up and bringing my crutches over while I flipped off the television.

“I'm going to kill Jared the next time I see him.” John laughed as we reached the elevator, finally calming down.

“You and me both, John. You and me both.”