Spinning.

The next time I opened my eyes, it took me a moment to adjust to my surroundings. I let my eyes slowly scan the room, recognizing that I was in the hospital. There was hardly any light in the room, one lamp over my head casting a dim, yet harsh light, while the overhead light was left off. The window to my side exposed the navy sky outside, letting me know that whatever time it was, it was night. I could hear the rhythmic hum of machines from right next to me, as well as faint echoes down the halls from other people relying on the same machines that I was.

JJohn was in a chair that had been pulled right up to the edge of the bed, his olive eyes bloodshot and rimmed with redness from stress of the night. At some point in the night he had undone his tie, leaving it draped around his neck with the top few buttons of his shirt undone. He was leaning forward, both of his hands delicately holding my hand as though I would break at any moment. His expression was filled with both worry and fatigue, his lips pressed into a thin line as he licked them nervously.

“Beret?” He tentatively asked, keeping his voice low.

I turned to him and tried to give him a smile, my eyes still drooping with fatigue. I could feel my nose itching from a cannula as I slowly became aware of the wires and tubes that were attached to my body. Squeezing his hand, I winced when I felt an IV in my hand move, sending a sharp pain up my arm.

He took my response as a greeting, and pressed on. “How are you feeling?”

“I've felt better,” My tongue felt like dead weight as I spoke, exhaustion dripping from my words. “What happened?”

“You collapsed as we were leaving the ceremony. Gave everyone quite the scare...” he trailed off, rubbing his eyes before re-lacing his fingers with mine.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“You're alive, that's the important thing.” John gave me a forced smile, sighing as he readjusted his position in the chair. “They, um, they don't know why you're so sick though-- they want to transfer you to a hospital closer to home and then run more tests.”

“Oh?” I asked, inhaling sharply as a pain shot through my chest.

“Yeah, um when you came in you had a lot less blood than you were supposed to have, so they're giving you some more now and hopefully that'll help with the energy levels and some of the other stuff.”

He pointed above me, and my eyes followed to a bag of blood that was hooked up above my head. “They don't know why you were missing the blood, which is what concerns them.”

I nodded, using my free arm to cover my mouth as I began to cough again. When I finally finished, I leaned back and groaned, my chest throbbing from the sudden motions.

“You okay? Should I call a nurse?” John offered, trying not to panic.

I shook my head no, closing my eyes. “Everything just hurts. Nothing new.” My voice was still hoarse, despite the low volume in the room.

“Okay... well if you need anything, just let me know.” He quietly responded, brushing a piece of hair out of his face.

I paused for a moment, still trying to regain my breath. “You know, I could think of something.”

“And that is?” John gave me a confused expression, to which I responded with a small smile.

“I've missed having my cuddle buddy...” I started, carefully sliding over on the bed to open up a place for him to join me. “I doubt that I'm contagious.”

“I wouldn't care if you're contagious,” he smiled, slipping off his shoes before sliding onto the bed and getting comfortable. “I'd hold you until the end of time.”

“That was cheesy, but I'm glad to hear.” I moved so I could use his chest as my pillow. “What time is it, anyway?”

“4:30 in the morning.” John answered. “They only let one person stay overnight and I practically had to wrestle Ava for that right. Otherwise she'd be here right now too. I think Kennedy's keeping her busy though so she doesn't freak out too much.”

“What's with her and Kennedy, anyways?”

“What do you mean?” John's head tilted down to get a better look at me, confused by my question.

“I heard her talking to him on the phone the other day but she hasn't ever told me about hanging out with him or anything. They only met that one time at my house, as far as I know.”

“I don't know, he started talking to her again recently I guess. Something must have sparked an interest for them.” I could feel John's breath on top of my head, his fingertips tickling as he gently traced my back.

“Hmm.” I closed my eyes again, sighing. “What time did we get here?”

“Like 10:30?” John paused, thinking about it. “Yeah, like 10:30. They kept you in the emergency room for a couple hours, then moved you up here. I've been up here with you ever since.”

“Did you get any sleep at least?”

“No,” John confessed. “There was no way I was going to be able to sleep without knowing that you're alright.”

“Do you think you'll get any sleep now?”

“I don't know.” He sighed, my head lowering as he exhaled. “I'm tired, but that doesn't mean anything. You should get some more rest though.”

“Mhmm,” I agreed, closing my eyes again. “You should at least try to get some sleep.”

“I will...” He trailed off, letting his breathing slow down. “Beret?”

“Hmm?” I sleepily asked, feeling my eyelids growing heavy.

“I love you. I just...” he cut himself off, his voice cracking. “I just don't think I can tell you that enough, especially now...”

“I love you too, John. I don't think you realize how lucky I am to have you.” I confessed, turning and cuddling even closer to him.

I looked up at him to be met with glassy eyes, a sad smile on his face as he took me in.

“You're not allowed to cry. I'm still alive here.” I tried to joke, resulting in his smile growing a little as he wiped his eyes.

“Trust me, I'm trying.” He gently chuckled, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer. “Let's try to get some sleep, it's been a long night.”

“It has...” I trailed off, yawning as I closed my eyes. “What's going to happen tomorrow?”

“I don't know.” John honestly answered. “It's touch and go so far.”

“Mmmkay.” I mumbled, sleep taking over quickly. “Good night.”

“Good night,” he whispered, brushing one last kiss on my forehead before finally falling asleep.



The next time I woke up, John was nowhere to be found, but the chair that he had vacated the night before was now filled by Ava, who had been watching me as though as I was about to evaporate into thin air.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.” I sarcastically told her, my voice raspy and thin as I spoke.

“Sorry Ber, but we seriously thought you were going to die last night. Don't think I'm going to leave you alone anytime soon.” Ava sounded tired, her voice lacking its usual spunk.

“Fair enough.” I sighed. “Where's John?”

“Showering.” She gestured to the bathroom, where I could faintly hear running water. “He was more than reluctant to leave, but after some serious convincing he finally went. That guy needs to eat something too while he's at it.”

“He's stressed out.” I rubbed my face with my hands, overwhelmed by the situation. I knew it by how he was acting, his worrying habits almost textbook for his personality.

“We're all stressed out.” She corrected me, changing positions in the chair. “It's serious.”

I didn't get a chance to respond, because a doctor had stepped into the room, a nurse trailing behind.

“Beret, it's good to see you awake. I'm Dr. Jacobs, I'll be taking care of you while you're here.”

“Umm, thanks,” I replied, unsure of what exactly to say. 'Nice to meet you' didn't seem entirely appropriate, given the circumstances.

“So we took a look at the blood we collected yesterday when you came in and we definitely need to do some further tests. We'd like to do some scans of your chest, as well as take a bone marrow sample...” she read through her clip board, flipping the top sheet up as her eyes scanned over my charts. The doctor seemed about my mom's age, hints of grey hair framing her worn, yet friendly features. Behind her, the nurse was much younger, maybe only a few years older than Ava and I.

“Wait, what do you think is going on with her?” Ava asked, confused and worried by the sounds.

“We don't have a clear enough picture at this point to say for sure,” the doctor began, “but we're hoping that the tests we run now will give us a more definitive answer.”

“What's going on?” John had emerged from the bathroom, one hand holding his old clothes while the other ran through his damp hair. His concerned eyes darted from the doctor to me, over to Ava, then back to me.

“More tests.” Ava answered, returning his worried look.

I tried to give him the best smile I could, but it faltered when his expression didn't change. John simply nodded, putting his clothes into a bag before pulling up a chair next to Ava's, kissing my temple, then sitting down.

“So... when are we starting these tests?” I tentatively asked, unsure about everything that was happening.

“As soon as you're ready.” Doctor Jacobs smiled at me.

“Um, can I have a minute?” I politely asked, taking a nervous breath and meeting eyes with John.

“Of course. We'll wait outside?” She gestured to the door.

“Um, yeah, that sounds great.”

The second the pair left the room, John reached out and grabbed my hand. “What did you want the minute for?”

“I just... I need a minute. I'm a little overwhelmed.” I confessed, pulling my hand away and massaging my temples.

“Do you two want a moment to yourselves?” Ava suggested, standing up and shooting me a sympathetic smile.

“That would be great.” John answered for both of us, rising from his chair and taking a new seat on the edge of my bed.

Ava stood up, grabbing her purse before making her way out the door. “I'm going to grab some food, be back when I'm back.” She called out, waving as she left.

Leaving John and I alone, we spent the next five seconds simply looking at each other, neither of us sure what exactly to say.

“Uhh, how are you feeling today?” John broke the silence, nervously rubbing the back of his head as he asked.

“Better than I was earlier...” I started, pausing to cough. “But it's still pretty shitty.”

“You look a little better than you did last night.” John commented, brushing a piece of hair that had fallen in my face out of the way. “I wish we had some answers for what was going on.”

“Me too... hopefully soon we will.” I agreed, attempting to ignore the impending sense of something being terribly wrong in the back of my mind. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“I got a little, but not very much.” He shrugged.

“You need to get some sleep, you know.” I pointed out, knowing that after being on the road and then heading straight to this mess, he was practically running on empty.

“I'll be fine. Maybe I'll take a nap while they're doing the tests.” John added the second part to appease me, giving me a small smile he spoke. “Speaking of... are you ready?”

“As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose.” I reluctantly answered, not really feeling up to being poked and prodded by doctors while being asked questions I didn't know the answers to. I would have rather just gone back to sleep.

Leaning towards me, John gently kissed me, letting his lips linger for just a second before pulling away, pressing his forehead to mine as he spoke. “The sooner you get the tests done, the sooner we'll have answers.” He stood up, giving my hand one last squeeze. “I'll go get the nurse.”

Moments later he returned, nurse following only a pace behind. Stopping next to the bed, she began moving some of the wires around me, giving me a reassuring smile. “Let's get these tests started.”



“We need to do a biopsy.”

Doctor Jacobs' words rang in my ears as she spoke, referring the image of my chest scans on a screen, gesturing to a white mass just above my lungs as she spoke. It was as if the small amount of air I could hold in my lungs had been knocked right out of me, my eyes transfixed on the white blob tainting my otherwise crystal clear scans. Dr. Jacobs had continued speaking, but I didn't hear any words coming out, my mind running marathons as it tried to process the scenario before me. Spending my morning being scanned and poked with needles had left me exhausted, but there was no rest for the wicked, so here we were after a two hour break, staring down the results of my morning while I sat on my bed, John and Ava sitting next to me.

“Beret?”

I snapped back to attention to find the doctor, John, and Ava simply staring at me, waiting for my response to a question.

“Sorry, what?” I forced out, my eyes returning back to the screen.

“Would you like to do the biopsy tonight or tomorrow morning? We have an opening to do it in an hour if you'd like.” Dr. Jacobs repeated, her eyes focused on me.

“Uh... tonight.” I replied, massaging my temples as I tried to keep calm. “Let's just get it over with.”

“Alright then, I will get everything set up. I'll have a nurse come get you when we're ready and then we'll review the procedure. It should be an in-and-out thing, nothing too serious.” With a couple clicks, Dr. Jacobs had closed out of the scans and closed her laptop, turning and giving me a sad smile. “There is a very high chance that this is cancer,” She started, “but if it is, remember that cancer doesn't mean it's a death sentence. Looking at the rest of your blood work and other tests, it could also be a rare bacterial infection, but we won't know until we do the biopsy. Hopefully we'll have results for you tomorrow, and from there we'll be able to figure out a care plan that will allow you to be treated at home, instead of hundreds of miles away.”

“If it is...” Ava paused, trying to bring herself to let the word roll off her lips, “... cancer. Then what?”

I could see the fear in her eyes as she asked, not wanting to have to accept the thought of cancer being my downfall.

“Well, that's a bridge we'll have to cross when we get there, but if it is, most likely chemotherapy, radiation. Surgery's probably not an option because of the location, but this also depends on what type of cancer it may be. There are a lot of variables that we'll find out with the biopsy, so until that point we won't know for sure.” Dr. Jacobs calmly answered, empathizing with Ava's concern. “For now, we can't get ahead of ourselves. We have to take this one step at a time, and currently that's the biopsy.” She stood up, tucking the computer under her arm and moving towards the door. “I'll see you soon for the biopsy, but for now rest up-- it's been a long morning, and every bit of rest will help make things easier.”

The moment the door clicked shut, Ava's eyes began to water up, her teeth clenching her lower lip in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing.

“Please don't cry,” I groaned, rubbing my face. “Like she said, it's not a death sentence.”

“But--”

“I know. You don't have to remind me,” I cut her off, knowing exactly what she was going to say. “Ava, crying's not going to do anything about it. We just have to take it as it is. That's life.”

John grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze as he shot me a sad smile. Not saying anything, I returned the expression, our exhausted expressions matching as our eyes met.

“Can we just take a nap until I have this thing? I'm beat.” I asked, trying to break up some of the tension in the room.

“I like that idea,” John shrugged.

“If you guys do that, I'm going to go get food. I'm starving.” Ava replied, still trying to keep her emotions in check.

“Bring me back something?” John asked, letting me slide over before he joined me on the bed.

“Sure, I'll text you when I know what the options are.” It was Ava's turn to shrug as she stood up, grabbed her purse, and headed for the door.

“So...” John started, his eyes still on the door as it closed. “That nap.”

“Yes.” I simply told him, eliminating any questions about it. We both adjusted so we were more comfortable, my head falling perfectly onto his chest.

“You seem to be taking everything pretty well.” John commented, sighing as he finished.

“It's not like I can change anything at this point.” I mumbled, wishing I could just go to sleep.

“I know, I just... I don't know. Don't feel like you have to be strong for everyone else.”

“I know. I'll get through it though, I don't have any choice. And besides, I thought we were taking a nap right now.”

“Okay,” John gently kissed the top of my head. “I'll stop talking. I love you Beret.”

“I love you too, John.” I turned, kissing his chest before returning to my original position.

At that point, I didn't care what it was. I just wanted answers.