Spinning.

I sunk into the couch, his words ringing in my ears as I felt my stomach churning. I don't know how long I stayed there, laying on the couch, but eventually Mason opened the door to find me sprawled out on the couch.

“Well don't you look like death warmed over.”

“Shut up.” I groaned, not amused by his humor.

“What, party a little too hard last night?”

“Yeah, you could say that.” I grumpily responded.

Mason pulled out an altoids tin, opening it to pull out a joint. “Want one? Maybe it'll help with the hangover.” He gestured to the tin.

“What the hell, sure.” I grabbed one out of the tin. I hadn't smoked weed since college, mostly because I didn't really want to spend the money on it, but also because I would only smoke when my friends offered it to me.

Mason opened the back windows before lighting up, passing me the lighter so I could do the same. We sat in silence, smoke curling from our lips as we slowly made our way through the joints.

“I haven't smoked in so long.” I confessed.

“I didn't know you enjoyed it. We can do this more often, you know.” Mason chuckled.

“Maybe. But I definitely needed this today.”

“Anytime. If you want some, I keep it in the front pocket of my backpack.”

“Good to know.”

I was pleasantly high, easing both the hangover and the hole in my heart from what I had overheard just a little while before. Slowly finishing the joint, I stood up to go outside.

“Thanks dude. I need to go do something now so I don't lay here all day.” I chuckled.

“No problem.” He nodded, reclining on the couch.

I made my way outside, first grabbing my notebook from my bunk. Reaching the fresh air, I started my search for a park or quiet place to get some writing done. I started wandering randomly, keeping a low profile as I walked through the city on my mission. After about thirty minutes, I found a small park that seemed like a peaceful place to write. There wasn't any snow, so a couple young kids were playing on the playground as their mothers watched carefully. I stayed for an hour, just writing and drawing and doing whatever my mind fancied. When I made my way back, I did my best to retrace my route, only changing the path to avoid anyone who would potentially recognize me. I made it back to the bus in time to help with set-up and soundcheck, quietly unloading the equipment before taking a break to find something to eat.

“Hey,” Kennedy caught up to me as I was walking back to my bus.

“Hey, what's up?” I smiled at him as we climbed on the bus.

“Not much, our entire band is grumpy as shit today. So I figured I'd seek other company.” I laughed at his response.

“Well that sounds like a good reason. Everyone hung over?”

“Shit, yes. Except Jared. I don't know what crawled up his ass today.”

“Putting up with everyone's hungover asses?” I posed it as a question, but I knew that was the reason why. More specifically, John's hungover ass and mine.

“Probably.”

Just then, Ian and Mason came onto the bus.

“Beret! You and Mason got high without me?” He feigned hurt, and I laughed.

“Haters gonna hate.” I smirked at him.

“Wait, you got high? When?” Kennedy asked incredulously.

“A couple hours ago. Took the edge off the hangover.” I shrugged.

“Damn, I'm going to make John get high then. He's been a real bitch today.” Kennedy chuckled.

I silently cringed at the thought, knowing why he was really so grumpy.

“Speak of the devil...” Mason trailed off, causing my eyes to snap out the window and see John coming towards the bus. Mason let him in, stepping out of the way so he could come up.

“Kennedy, we're do--” John stopped dead as we made eye contact, his face instantly hardening at me. I returned the expression, shooting him a venomous glare.

“Soundcheck. Now.” He turned swiftly and left, Kennedy looking between us confused.

“You should go before he throws a shit fit.” I broke the silence, my eyes never leaving where John had been standing.

“Yup, I-uh, I'll catch you later!” He awkwardly waved and quickly made his way out of the bus.

“What was that about?” Ian raised his eyebrow at me.

“Trust me, you don't want to know.”



“Ava I fucked up.” I flopped into my bunk, phone pressed against my ear.

“What did you do?” Ava sighed on the other end of the phone, bracing herself for whatever I could possibly throw my way at her.

“I got too drunk and almost hooked up with Dirk and now John hates me.”

“Wait, who the fuck is Dirk?”

“Their photographer friend. I don't even like him like that, I just--”

“Whoa. Hang on. So you got too drunk and almost hooked up with someone. You didn't actually do it, so why does he hate you?”

“Because if he hadn't stopped us, we would have.”

“Yup, you fucked up.” She plainly stated. “Man, I always thought I was the slutty one.”

“Wow, you're a really great friend.” I sarcastically told her.

“I'm just telling it how it is. It's not like it's a bad thing to be slutty, I'm just saying that was something I would expect me to be calling you about, not the other way around.”

“Thanks. You're supposed to be making me feel better, not making me feel worse.”

“Well why did you go for Dirk instead of John? Is he at least cute?”

“I'm not into him. John was flirting with some other girl and Dirk was paying attention to me--”

“So you were jealous.”

“I was not.”

“Beret, I've been your friend since diapers. You were jealous.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.”

“Fine, so maybe I was jealous.”

“Jealousy is one hell of a green eyed monster.”

“That doesn't help me.”

“Well, why do you think he hates you?”

“Because he thinks I'm a slut. Even though he does the same things.”

“Well that's the lovely world of misogyny. Double standards everywhere!”

“Ava, what do I do?”

The phone was silent on the other end for a moment.

“What if he got jealous?”

“Ava, what are you talking about?”

“Like, what if he's jealous of whats-his-face--”

“Dirk?”

“Yeah, him. What if John's jealous because you weren't hooking up with John?”

“He started flirting with the other girl before Dirk started paying attention to me.”

“Oh, just kidding I guess.”

“That doesn't answer my earlier question.”

“What one?”

I groaned. “What the hell do I do about it? He hates me, I still have to be around him for two and a half more months, and I still have a giant fucking crush on him.”

“Pray to god he gets over it? I don't think apologizing really makes sense, you're not his girlfriend so it's not like he can legitimately be pissed about it. You have the right to hook up with whoever you want.”

I sighed. “Fuck, Ava I wish you were here.”

“I know, I miss you too Beret. You know if I was there we'd be heading straight for Ben and Jerry's and then finding some sappy movies to watch until you felt better.”

I smiled sadly. “Yeah, that would be perfect.”

“Hey, he's just a boy. Go get some Ben and Jerry's, watch the notebook, cry a little, but chin up. I may not be there to do that with you but I can order you to do it, and things will get better. They always do.”

“Thanks Ava, you're the best.”

“I know I am.” She laughed. “Love you B,”

“Love you too.”

“Alright, well I have to get to rehearsal, but call me if you need me.”

“I will.” I promised.

“Bye!”

I hung up the phone, staring at the background. It was a group picture from early on in the tour, one night at a bar after a show. Micheal had gone to the show, and out with us afterwards. He's on my left, John's on my right, and the twins were on the outside of them. We're all wearing big grins on our faces, still high from the show we played earlier that night.

At first, I didn't even realize that I had started to cry, but as the tears started to trickle I just let them flow. I had spent the last day and a half convincing everyone else that I was all good, pushing away the voices in my head saying that I wasn't okay, and it was cathartic to let everything out. I cried until I had nothing left, laying in my bunk for a while afterwards trying to figure out what to do with myself. Finally I climbed out and went to get myself some water, sitting at the table as I nursed the beverage.

“Beret?” I was snapped out of my thoughts by Jared, who had appeared in the entryway.

“Hey,” I forced a smile at him. “What's up?”

“We were just wondering if you wanted to come out with us tonight.” He looked at me, concerned by my red eyes.

“No, not tonight. I'm just going to stay in.” I softly told him.

“John's not going, if that's what's stopping you.”

“No... I just need a night in.” I gently replied. “Thanks anyways.”

“Alright, well I'll see you tomorrow then.” He turned to leave, but stopped. “If you're wondering, he's in about the same shape as you are.”

And with that, he left me alone with my thoughts.



Guitar in my lap, tabs laid out in front of me, I sat on the couch in our dressing room repeating the same notes over and over again, stopping every time I messed up and starting over. I was too busy humming along with the melody to notice the door opening behind me.

“What's that?” I froze at the sound of his raspy voice and instantly felt my cheeks burning.

“Oh, uh, it's nothing. Just a new cover I've been working on.” I mumbled, embarrassed.

“Really? What song?” John was trying to be friendly, I had to give him credit. I turned around and his green orbs were softly smiling at me, as if to apologize for what had happened four days before. We had been avoiding each other like the plague, only speaking when absolutely necessary and even then it was painfully awkward for both of us.

“Um, it's called Enchanted, it's by Taylor Swift.” I mumbled. I didn't think my cheeks could be any darker than they were.

“Wait, you? Taylor Swift?” John smirked, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I wanted a cover to play at the Valentine's day show that wasn't some sappy love song or a miserable downer about being single but I also wanted to have something that was appropriate, you know? And since it's about meeting someone who makes you happy, even if you aren't with them, I figured it was relevant.”

“Hmm,” he nodded his head. “Can I hear?”

“I- uhh- it's rough, but I mean if you want to you can.” I gestured to the other couch and he sat. I cleared my throat and began to play, ignoring my pounding heart the butterflies in my stomach.

“There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired lonely place
Walls of insincerity,
Shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

I focused intently on the paper in front of me holding the lyrics and notes as I played, avoiding making any eye contact whatsoever with John in hopes that it wouldn't give away who I was singing about, if he couldn't figure it out already.

Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?"
Across the room your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts
Counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

From my peripheral vision, I could see that John had started to bob his head along to the words as I reached the chorus. I smiled as I was singing, hoping that it was a sign he didn't hate the song.

The lingering question kept me up
2 AM, who do you love?
I wonder 'til I'm wide awake
And now I'm pacing back and forth
Wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say, "Hey,
It was enchanting to meet you,
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you."

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

This is me praying that
This was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name
Until I see you again
These are the words I held back
As I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you


I looked up at him as I finished, nervous to see his reaction. He grinned, making eye contact with me as his green eyes shined.

“It's catchy. I bet you sing it better than Taylor does.”

“Well, uh, thanks?” I laughed, loosening up a little bit. “Have you never heard Taylor Swift?”

“I generally avoid that kind of stuff.” He chuckled.

“I know but still, she's everywhere. I mean, I'm not much of a fan myself, but still.”

“Can I see those?” He gestured to the guitar and the music. I passed the guitar to him and slid over so he could sit where I had previously been. Plopping down on next to me, John closed the gap between us before taking the guitar and music from me. He began playing, his fingers dancing across the strings much quicker than mine had been.

“This is fun, we're not doing anything exciting like this for Valentine's day.” He smiled at me, melting any resolve for being mad at him that was left in me.

“Do you want to do it with me? We can do like a duet or something, shake things up.” I blurted out, half joking yet half hoping that he would like to do it.

“Seriously?” He stopped, watching me nod slightly before continuing. “That'd be awesome! I don't know the words or anything though, I'd have to learn them.”

“I could teach you, it's not too difficult.” I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly, looking around the room trying to avoid looking like a total fool. I could feel his eyes on me, and I looked back at him, making eye contact while biting my lip nervously. He was really, really close to me. Close enough that I could catch his breath, minty but with hints of tobacco from whenever he last smoked.

But of course, before anything could happen, the door burst open and Mason flew in, laughing to the point of tears.

“Ale-- Ry--” Mason was gasping out while trying to stop laughing. Moments later, Alex and Ryan came chasing in after him, tackling him to the floor. Alex was drenched and Ryan wasn't much drier, and as the trio rolled around on the floor John and I stared at them, confused. I was disappointed to say the least, for some reason I had thought that something was about to happen. But of course, it wasn't. Nope. Especially not after that night a couple days ago, especially not because we were friends and that wasn't how it was meant to work and John wouldn't ever date a pop star. Who were we kidding? That's what I was. And to think that John, of all people, would take any interest in me was ridiculous. He even said he didn't care about me, even if now he was trying to be nice. Mason's entrance was just a reminder of that.

“Do you have any idea what's going on?” John turned to me.

“Not the slightest.” I sighed. “Well, I should probably go.” I mumbled and stood up quickly, leaving as fast as I could. I didn't know where I was going or what I was even going to do, but I was too disappointed to stay there.

Moving down the hallway, I went outside to get some air. I pressed my back against the outside wall of the venue and took a deep breath, the cold air cutting the back of my throat as my chest expanded. After Mason had offered me some of his weed the other day, I was tempted to go steal a joint in order to calm myself, but knowing the consequences of being caught smoking weed I stayed put. I then thought back to the pack of cigarettes I had stashed away in my suitcase before tour started, in case of emergency. Now was one of those times. It didn't take me long to climb onto the bus and find the small box, and tucking them into my pocket I returned outside, looking for a discreet place to light up.

Leaning back against a wall, I slowly let the smoke seep out of my lips, relishing each drag of the cigarette knowing that I couldn't let this become a habit.

“I didn't know you smoked.”

I jumped about a foot in the air at the voice, spinning to see Garrett standing there. I let out a sigh of relief, seeing that it wasn't someone bad.

“Oh, I-- uh, I don't normally smoke.” I stuttered, unsure of how to respond to him.

“I mean, you don't have to make excuses for me,” he rubbed the back of his head nervously, “but what's the special occasion?”

“I just... I just needed to clear my head.” I took another drag, letting the smoke curl into my lungs and sit for a moment before curling back into the open air.

“Ah,” he stood there, hands shoved in his pockets as he toed the ground, pushing a small pile of slush from a recent snow around.

“So... what's up?” I broke the silence, trying to avoid the pending tension.

“Not too much, really.” He shrugged. “Pretty stoked for our days off soon, I'm not gonna lie. New Orleans is a cool city, I'm glad we have a day off there.”

“Yeah, that should be good... what time are we supposed to get there?”

“Not too late I don't think, we're supposed to get to the hotel tomorrow and then we play a show tomorrow night, but after that it's a day off and another night in the hotel before we take off.”

“Sweet. I can't wait to sleep in a real bed again,” a small chuckle escaped my lips. “Sometimes my bunk feels like a coffin, you know?”

“Oh do I ever,” Garrett smiled at me. “Hey... if you don't mind me asking, are you and John okay? Things seem... tense between you two.”

A knot rose in my throat, and I took a drag of the cigarette to buy myself a second to figure out a response.

“We just... kind of got into a bit of an argument, I guess.” Shrugging my shoulders, I tried to play it off as not a big deal.

“It's more than a bit of an argument, isn't it?” He looked at me, his eyes giving away that he could see right through me.

I sighed in defeat. “Is it that obvious?”

Garrett rolled his eyes. “You both have spent like the last four days sulking around like kids who just got told Santa wasn't real. I know Jared knows what's going on but he won't talk about it, so what happened?”

Pausing to evaluate the situation, I decided that at this point Garrett probably deserved to know what was going on. “You know Charleston? How we had that party afterwards?”

“Oh shit, please tell me you two didn't hook up. I mean, we were all pretty trashed, but still...” Garrett covered his face with his hands, rubbing his cheeks to warm up a bit.

“God no. We both got really drunk, then he got pissed because I was dancing with Dirk and started calling me a slut and saying Dirk was a creep even though he was about to hook up with some girl he had never even met before, even though he's not my mom and he didn't have the right to be judging me, then I guess later he actually stopped Dirk and I from hooking up, after he had finished hooking up with the random girl, and he took care of my drunk self... Which might have been slightly redeeming if he hadn't gone and called me a slut to Jared and told Jared that he didn't care about me anyways when Jared told him to get his shit together the next day. I don't think either Jared or John know I heard that but I just can't get over it now, like he can't even blame alcohol for it because he was sober at the time and he was so mean about it.” The frustration crept through my voice the longer I spoke, and adding a sigh to the end I slid down the wall a bit so I was slouched against the cool bricks.

“Like, he's supposed to be my friend, and he knows how much I hate when everyone tries to make me fit this stupid mold and when people judge me for just trying to live, and he completely ignored it!”

And without warning, Garrett started laughing.

“Wait, what's so funny??”

Garrett managed to stifle his laughter long enough to respond. “Damn, O'Callaghan! That guy never ceases to amaze me with the dumb shit he says.”

“Garrett what the fuck are you talking about?” My voice became more agitated as he continued laughing.

“Jesus christ I can't even...” Garrett paused, trying to compose himself. “No wonder he's been sulking so badly, if I was him I'd probably duct tape my damn mouth shut.”

“Garrett1 you're not making any sense.”

“Beret, I know he feels like shit for saying that stuff, he's just too proud to apologize. Hang in there, have another smoke if you need to, but eventually it'll work out.” He finally composed himself, still cracking a smile from what he just heard.

Sauntering away, he left me to try and figure out what the hell he was trying to tell me by that, and what the hell was so funny about our predicament. I took a last drag of my cigarette, letting the smoke linger for a little longer before slowly exhaling, watching the smoke as I wondered what I got myself into.