Savage Hearts

Lindsey sat in the waiting room throughout the night. A nurse had come and told her to leave and come back the next day around noon because Lila would be released then, but Lindsey couldn't imagine leaving. She promised Jon she'd take care of her and one night of bad sleep wouldn't be so bad as long as she was there when Lila needed her.

Lindsey woke up the next morning and played on her phone until she was told to come back and help Lila. She went back to the hospital room where Lila had been placed for the night to see her friend putting on her clothes and taking off the hospital gown.

"She's going to be in a fragile state for a while, so just keep a close eye on her. We're also giving her some pain meds if she starts to hurt. The doctor is going to come in here and debriefed her, so you can take her home after." The nurse gave Lindsey a sympathetic smile.

"Hey Li, Jon's at the convention so I'm here to take you home."

"Yeah whatever." Lila sighed. She was very pale and her eyes were pink and puffy, like she had been crying for hours on end.

The doctor came in a few minutes later. The two women sat on the hospital bed, Lila reached out and grabbed Lindsey's hand, who in return squeezed Lila's hand. The doctor began to explain the procedure, why it was done, what the after effects would be, but Lindsey barely could here. She was in such shock she couldnt hear anything she just saw the doctor's mouth moving. She looked over to see Lila's body shaking as she sobbed. All Lindsey could do was hold her best friend tightly as she watched her fall apart in front of her.

The two walked in silence for a while. Lindsey was trying to be sensitive and Lila some space, but she finally gave up, "so if you want to tell Jon what happened before we talk about it, that's okay but I'm here for you."

"Thanks Linds but I really don't want to think about it." Lila held back more years as she got into Lindsey's car.

"If it will make you feel better you can yell at me. Call me the C-word. It made me feel better after the abortion."

"I don't want to call you the C-word, I don't want to yell, I'm not mad. I just want to get home and sleep until Jon gets home."

"Okay sounds good."

~~~~~~~~

"Is she home is she okay?" Jon said rushing into the apartment.

"She's f- well I can't really say she's fine, but she is healthy. But just be gentle and don't push her, she's really fragile right now."

"Okay, where is she."

"Last time I checked she was still sleeping. But you should wake her up because she needs to eat something. I have some soup you can bring her."

"Thank you so much, I really appreciate this." Jon said with a sad smile.

"She's my best friend." Lindsey shrugged as she moved forward to hug Jon tightly, "and you're going to be okay." Lindsey squeezed him once more before leaving the apartment.

Jon grabbed a bowl of soup and walked to the bedroom. Lila was sleeping but she was obviously restless. The covers were a mess and her hair was everywhere. She turned over onto her side and Jon placed the bowl of soup down.

He crawled into the bed pulling Lila into his side. She flinched a bit before opening her eyes and looking at Jon.

"Hey sweetie." Jon kissed her head.

"Hi Jonny." Lila returned in a small broken voice.

"I brought you some soup, so you should eat it now while it's still warm. We can watch TV and when you're ready we can talk." Jon gently rubbed Lila's back.

She sat up and leaned against the wall. Jon handed her the soup and turned on TV and smiled when he came across a rerun Friends. Lila gave a small smile and scooted closer to Jon. Jon wrapped an arm around her shoulder and tried to just relax into the situation.

After an hour he was having a hard time. He wanted to ask so badly but he also didn’t want to be insensitive. He was walking in a minefield, so worried what would happen if he made the wrong move. Jon briefly wondered if this how Lila felt after he lost a game. Did she have this anxiety, this feeling if she did something wrong she’d hurt the person she loved more than anything?

“I- I think I should tell you now.”

“If you don’t want I can wait, it’s not a big deal and I don’t want to push.”

“If I don’t tell you now, I don’t know when I will.” Her eyes began to gloss over and her voice cracked a little in her words.

She took a deep breath before starting, “I- I had an ectopic pregnancy.”

“A what?”

“It’s like a miscarriage except it means that the egg was growing in the wrong place. Mine was in the fallopian tube and I started bleeding because it ruptured.”

“Oh God, babe I’m so sorry.” Jon felt the air get knocked out of him.

“It’s alright, I mean there’s nothing I could have done, I was going to lose the baby no matter what, I just wish, I just wish I would have noticed the signs sooner.” She started to sob.

“It’s like you couldn’t have done anything, it’s okay. We probably aren’t ready to be parents yet,” he kissed the top of her head as he cringed at the stupid words that came out of his mouth.

“It doesn’t matter if we were ready or not, because I fucked us up. If I would have just seen the signs… They had to take out one of my fallopian tubes because it ruptured and we came too late. It means if we want kids later I’m halfway to infertile. It means I’m at high risk for this to happen again. If want kids we’ll have to plan to the T when we want it to happen, so I can make sure this just happened and it’s not me. Because I was too busy pretending I wasn’t missing my period I hurt you. I may have ruined any chance of you being a dad. That is, if you even want to be with me anymore, I’m not even a complete woman anymore. I’m broken.” She let the tears spill.

“Li, I still want to be with you, how could you even think that? You’re the same person I fell love with, the same woman I’m in love with. This doesn’t change that, it changes how things will work later, but we’ll cross those bridges when we get there. I know you’re upset but in all honesty, would you have really wanted to pregnant at twenty-four?”

“That’s the thing, a week ago I would have agreed with you. But when the doctor told me what happened I couldn’t shake the thought. I had a life inside of me and that’s such a beautiful thought, so beautiful I would have wanted it.” She let out a sob before she started again.

“ I don’t know- I just think if I would have found out, I would have been so happy. It’s like a piece of art, you spend so long slaving over making everything just right and wonderful, and when you’re done it’s beautiful, even if you make some mistake it’s a part of your soul, but a baby it’s part of two people’s souls. And when you make art with someone you love, it’s even better.” She began to shake as she sobbed louder.

“Sweetie…” Jon trailed off; he didn’t know what to say. He always wanted a family with Lila, she had never expressed any desire to even have kids before, and now she was crying over the loss of their child.

~~~~~~~~

Jon held Lila the rest of the night. His heart was breaking with every tear she shed. The next morning he had one more day of the convention. He didn’t want to go but Lila forced him, saying she didn’t want any attention on what happened and if he didn’t go people would ask. He sighed and agreed, calling Lindsey to watch after her. He had never seen Lila so broken and all he wanted to was stay home and work on fixing her.

“Is Lila okay?” Patrick asked quietly as the walked into the United Center together.

“What?”

“Lindsey told me she was in the hospital, why didn’t you tell me? I would have sent flowers or something.”

“Lila doesn’t want people to know, it’s kind of a sensitive subject.” Jon shrugged.

“Are you okay? Lindsey said you were a mess at the ER.” Patrick kept pushing.

“I’m fine.” Jon snapped.

“Because if you’re not, you shouldn’t be here, you should be home with your future fiancé. Hockey may be your first love but Lila is important too, in fact she should come first during the off-season. If the fans care about you as much as I know they do, they’ll understand.”

“Thanks, but Lila doesn’t want any speculation about anything.”

“No one is going to speculate about you golden boy. Besides their too busy asking me questions about my alcoholism.” Patrick joked.

“I’ll stay until lunch, I think Lila may need some time with Linds, you know girl talk.”

The hours until lunch seemed to last an eternity. Jon couldn’t stop looking at the clock; he didn’t want to spend a second longer away from her. When he finally got the okay to leave he practically sprinted to his car before driving away like a maniac in a high speed chase.
He reached the apartment in record time. He walked in to see an exasperated Lindsey on the phone.

“Jon’s home I’ll call you later.” She said hanging up and looking at Jon.

“What’s wrong?”

“I should have called you earlier, but I didn’t want to worry you. But, I went to all the usual places and called friends and I’m sorry.”

“What are you talking about?” Jon asked looking around the apartment with worry.

“Lila’s gone.”