Savage Hearts

Jon sighed as he set down his beer, getting up to answer the door. He was already tired and frustrated and now he was angry at whoever was on the other side of the door. He didn’t want to hit anyone but if Kaner was the one knocking, Jon was pretty positive he’d give Pat a black eye. He went to the door and opened up to reveal a wobbly Lila, wearing a long winter coat and a pair of black, thigh high boots.

“Lila, what the fuck?” Jon groaned rubbing his hand over his face.

“Didn’t you miss me, baby?” Lila said opening her arms as if she wanted a hug.

“Yes, but I don’t want to deal with you right now. I’m not very happy with you right now, but you’re in no shape to go home so let’s put you to bed,” Jon sighed.

“Fiiiiiiine,” she pouted for a second before following Jon to the bedroom and falling face first in the bed.

“Now do you want some more comfortable clothes?” Jon asked grabbing a t-shirt from his drawer.

“Don’t you want to know why I left?” Lila flipped over flailing her legs.

“Not right now, maybe when you’re sober and actually care that I’m mad at you.”

“I’m sorry Jonny, it’s just what I do. When I’m tooooo emotional I just leave. It helps me clear my head. I’ve done it before, I’lllll probably do it again. But you, you told me you loved me, and that scared me. I needed to think about it.”

“Okay, I know you’ve done this before, this isn’t the first time you left me.”

“I know!” She shouted before whispering, “But you want to know what I learned? I love you too.” She gave a little grin before wiggling around making Jon give a little chuckle.

“Well that’s good but let’s see if you say that tomorrow morning sweetie. Now let’s get you out of these clothes. Where did you get these ridiculous boots?” Jon asked as he unzipped them.

“They’re Charity’s fuck me boots. She gave them to me when I was at the strip club. She told me every girl should have sex after they tell someone they love them, so so it becomes making love,” Lila giggled.

“The strip club? Why there?” Jon had finally wrestled the boots off his squirming girlfriend.

“I was visiting my friends, haven’t I ever told you, I used to be a stripper. Well I just served drinks, my clothes stayed on. I never told you?”

“No, you were a stripper?”

“I wore clothes I just worked there, nice girls. I’m surprised that I didn’t meet Kaner before you, I think he came a few nights.”

“Good to know Kaner may have seen my girlfriend naked before me.”

“No I didn’t show any naughty parts, don’t worry.”

“Oh good this day keeps getting better,” Jon sighed and unzipped the winter coat revealing the matching underwear and bra that Lila was wearing, “you came here for a booty call didn’t you?”

“No! I came to make love because I love you and you love me,” she smiled brightly as Jon wrestled the shirt over her head.

“”Well maybe when you’re sober and more importantly once I’m not pissed at you anymore.”

“You’re still mad?”

“Lila, you’re drunk and I haven’t seen you in a week. As much as I like that you love me, you had still had runaway to realize that. I’ve been worried sick for a week wondering where in the fucking world Lila Carter is. You couldn’t even have the decency to call me. The worst part is this isn’t even the first time you’ve pulled this shit on me. I love you Li, but I’m not happy with you right now. You can’t just do that to people, it may not phase Lindsey, but it hurt Lila and you have to start thinking of the other person in this relationship,” Jon kissed her forehead and tucked her in before leaving the room to sleep on the couch.
“Did you call her mom?” Jon asked trying to come up with any information about his missing girlfriend.

“No. She barely talks to her mom as is, and never in a million years would she tell her mom about this. She has done some growing but not enough to share some intimate moment with her mom, especially if it has to do with love and stuff.”

“What about her sister? They’re pretty close.”

“They are but not when it’s Li’s problems. She thinks she has to be the strong older sister. She can be there for Melissa but Melissa can’t be there for her. It’s a weird older sister thing, my sister will never come to me for advice or support.”

“Where could she be, she hasn’t done this for a long time, she must still be in Chicago. Did you call the strip club? That’s where she went last time.”

“I called no one has seen her, I called the museum, and the landlord of the place where her studio is, and her phone is off. I have no clue where she went. I’m so sorry Jon, I fucked up,” Lindsey started to cry.

“Linds it’s not you fault,” Jon hugged her tightly, “I shouldn’t have left her today but we’ll find her, how far could she have gotten in four hours.”

“It’s Lila, she has a unlimited amount of money at her disposal, she literally could get almost anywhere in North America by now!”

“Let’s not exaggerate. I’m sure she’s in Illinois at least.”

“Okay, but maybe we should give her time, maybe she just needs a break from people, some time to herself. She always is better after her little solo excursions,” Lindsey wiped away her tears.

“But I she was so unstable when I left this morning, I at least want to know that wherever she is, she’s fine.”

~~~~~~~~

Lila took in a deep breath of salty air before letting out a sigh. She felt more relaxed but she wasn’t happy. She was numb. Her mind was still a jumble mess of ‘what ifs’ and ‘could haves’, she thought leaving would help. She thought it would clear her mind and make her happy again. It wasn’t working.

She began her walk back to her hotel, thinking a nap might help. Although she was less anxious and tense than she was in Chicago, she still felt depressed.

Once she arrived at her hotel she turned on the TV to help her fall asleep. She was in this weird place where she didn’t like too many people around but she couldn’t be in silence. The silence made her feel even worse, like she was drowning in an overwhelming amount of sadness that consumed her. She flipped the channels until she found something she could sleep to. Eventually she landed on Gone With The Wind, she smiled at one of her favorite movies. She curled up in the bed and watched the movie, waiting for sleep to take over. Soon she began to regret watching the movie. She knew she was near the end but conveniently forgot what point in the movie. She watches in horror as Scarlett tumbles down the stairs and loses her baby. Tears began to pour when Scarlett’s other daughter, Bonnie, dies in a horseback riding accident. Lila kept watching and crying as shakes consumed her body. She felt sick and overwhelmed and terribly alone.

She watched as Rhett left Scarlett and Lila couldn’t take it anymore. She would prefer the silence to this torture. She was in the middle of the bed cocooned in the blankets and sheets bawling her eyes out. She felt like her heart was being ripped open and shredded and black hole consuming whatever was left. She tried to calm down and stop crying but she couldn’t.

She decided at this point she needed someone. She couldn’t handle this alone. Lila decided she needed to call in for reinforcements. She grabbed her phone and turned it back on, ignoring the missed text, calls and voicemails before dialing.

“Sweetie?”

“H-hi-hi,” Lila stuttered.

“Hon, what’s wrong?”

“I-I mama I need you.”

“Lila darlin’ what’s wrong, what’s going on,”

“I just need my mom, can you come here.”

“I’ll be on the next plane, but can you tell me where you are? Because we know you aren’t in Chicago if you’re calling me.”

“I’m in Seattle.”

~~~~~~~~

“Hello?” Lindsey answered her phone, “really Seattle?... but she’s okay right?... thank you so much Mrs. Carter, have fun.”

“Who was that?” Kaner asked.

“Lila’s mom. Hey Jon, come out here.” Lindsey called.

Jon came out of his room looking disheveled and sick. His hair was in disarray and despite staying in his room for hours, he looked like he hadn’t slept.

“What’s Kaner doing here?”

“He came to keep me company while I camp here. You know, make sure you don’t do something stupid too. But in good news I know where Lila is now.”

“Really? Where is she? Is she okay? When is she coming back?”

“I don’t know Jon, but she called her mom, so I’m guessing she’s not too okay. She’s in Seattle and after they go to a Mariners game, Mama Carter is going to talk some sense into and she will be home. So calm down, she’s in good hands and will come back. She called her mother, that’s a huge step for her.”

“Okay, thanks Linds.”

~~~~~~~~

“So why Seattle?” her mother asked as they left the stadium.

“Well I loved it when we lived here, it’s relaxing yet a city where I can blend in. It rains a lot, which goes long with all my tears.”

“Well you know, I thought you would have grown out of this running away phase, but you did reach out to me so you are growing up in some way.”

She laughed at her mom and had a genuine smile on her face as they made their way to the hotel.

“I don’t want to ruin the mood, but are you going to tell me what happened?”

Lila began to cry as she told her mom everything that happened. Her mom just held her close and stroked her hair.

“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I understand.”

“You don’t understand, you don’t know what it feels like to lose a piece of you. Feel like part of your heart was taken from you and you’ll never get back, I might never have children again” Lila sobbed out glaring at her mother.

“I do hon. Before you were born… your father and I had a stillborn, you would have had an older brother, but there were some complications and…” her mother trailed off trying not to cry, “I know you feel like everything is destroyed but it will get better. I had to go through nine months of loving this baby, only to go through labor and not get to hold my beautiful child. I was in such a dark place. I was so depressed just like you, and nobody expects any less. You have every right to feel upset, but you have no right to run away so you can go suffer by yourself.

“Mom…”

“No Lila. I know you are sad, I know how bad this feels but you can’t just push everyone away. Especially Jon. After the stillbirth, your father was my rock; it was the closest we ever were. We shared that hole that was in both our hearts. And we filled it back up for each other. Now you may think that you are alone because this physically affects you but Jon hurts too. He can’t change anything and now he has to deal with losing a child while watching the person he loves the most suffer too. You may not know it now, but you need to go home because I know how much you love Jon, and the sooner you get home the sooner you can fix each other.”