Shaking Chill

Fantasies

I catch myself getting lost in my own mind
Smiling to myself
Fantasizing about you
Suddenly I am pulled from my trance
Someone is knocking at my door
It is 4am
I open the door with caution, wide-eyed and disheveled
My breath stops
As if the stars granted me my wish, it is you
I am rendered speechless
You say my name and I swallow the large lump in my throat
Your eyes are so sweet. Your nervous mannerisms make me want to take your busy hands and hold them until my fingers become sore and moist.
You pull me into a hug, my chest fitting perfectly into yours
Yours arms fitting snugly around my waist, like two pieces of a puzzle coming together just right. I am utterly satisfied.
"It's okay, it'll be okay.." You whisper into my ear, the warmth of your breath raises the hair all over my body and I begin to sob
I sigh deeply and open my eyes.
I am alone. I have always been alone.
The stars don't grant wishes.
The tears flow down onto the floor as I repeat saved voicemails, your sad voice telling me you love me, telling me you're sorry
No one is here but me, and you are far away with your mind on other matters
I can only dream you'll come to me
And hold me, a dream that only feels real when I am asleep
But it is not worth the drive
To wipe away my tears
To let my heart rest for one night
Instead of pulsing painfully, swelling and pushing out the hot liquid agony from my eyes
I stare at my door.
There is no knock,
There will never be a knock.
My hands are cold.
My body aches.
You don't love me.
I cry until I am empty.