Reckless

Louisa.

I woke up feeling strangely refreshed.

Slowly I rubbed my eyes and kicked off my covers before standing up. I hadn't drunk too much last night, and even if I had, I'd had enough adventures throughout the night to wear it off. But fuck, I felt new.

I threw a sweatshirt over my body and walked downstairs, ready for some coffee and a bagel. One perk about Meredith: the woman knew how to shop for breakfast foods. My stomach was rumbling at the thought as I crept down my staircase. As soon as I reached the landing, I heard rustling from the couch.

"Good afternoon, sleepy head." Meredith smiled up at my from her love seat, that fake-motherly smile on her lips. "You must be feeling wonderful with all that sleep!"

Shit, that's right, I'm supposed to be sick. I ran my hands through my hair and tried by best to look less awake. "Yeah, I'm still feeling a bit," gross cough for emphasis, "tired."

Meredith nodded. "Did you feel any better last night after I went out?"

"Nope."

With a swift motion she folded her paper and crossed her legs, pursing her lips and smirking back at me.

"You felt well enough to go out, though?"

I paused, my eyes meeting my mother's, her expression unchanging. If I could I'd punch that stupid look off her face, like she'd caught me in the act. But fuck it, she had. I took a step forward and cross my hands behind my back, thinking of lies with each breath.

"How did you know?"

She smiled even wider. "George mentioned it."

More like you interogated him, I thought to myself. George and I would have a chat about this next time I passed the doors.

I nodded slowly, carefully figuring out my plan of action. "Mom, I'm sorry. It was just Trevor told me about this party and Sophie was going to be there-"

"Trevor!?" My mother paused, the smile turning to a genuine one. "And Sophie!? Well oh my, why didn't you just tell me that last night! I haven't seen them in ages, I would have stayed to say hello! Where have they been?"

I shrugged. "Around."

"Well, do tell me next time you plan to see them! Oh, Trevor was always such a nice boy, and so handsome. You two were a darling couple, Louisa. And Sophie, my, what a nice young lady."

I smirked, looking at the ground and then back up at my mother. "Yeah. They're great. So, we're cool?"

Meredith nodded before standing up and walking over to me. My eyes connected with her once more as I let myself re-forget Sophie and Trevor. I hated having to even bring them up again.

She hugged me awkwardly and held my shoulders, smiling. "Louisa, just be honest with me dear. If you want to hang out with your friends, you can. I was worried, well it seems stupid now, but I was worried you were hanging out with the wrong kind of people, like the kind you couldn't tell me about I don't want to see you or someone else getting hurt. That's all." Meredith sighed and smiled wider. "But I'm glad you had fun."

I smiled as Meredith kissed my cheeks and walked away, probably to get ready to go into the office. I gripped my wrists in my hands, wanting to pinch at my skin. Fuck, I just wanted to climb out of my own body.

I wished I had a mother that understood who I was. One that I didn't have to lie to, or feel ashamed of myself in front of. I let out a sigh.

Meredith did have a decent point though. Maybe if I couldn't tell her about something, it wasn't right. How would I continue being friends with the guys if I had to lie every fucking time I wanted to hang out with them? It was bound to fall apart sometime. And maybe if I didn't want to feel so ashamed, I shouldn't be the person I'm trying to be. Maybe I had it all wrong.

Maybe hanging out with Josh was making it all worse. In the end, he would get hurt.

Quickly I turned and ran back up the stairs. Once I reached my room I took out my stash of Doritos from under my bed and called them breakfast. I wasn't crossing Meredith again, that much I was certain about. I walked by the window and watched people walking around. George greeting and saying good bye to residents as they hopped into to taxi cabs, people eating at the cafe across the avenue, and some walking mindlessly on the strip. I started to think about the fact that all of them came from somewhere and had somewhere to be. I wondered what pain or confusion they all had felt. I wondered if any of them felt the same way as I did.

I peeled by eyes away from the window and slid my sketch book of the counter with my pencil and walked out onto my fire escape. I sat down on my chair overlooking an alleyway, and began to draw. I didn't think: I just did, and that's where the beauty lay. I loved drawing because of the mindlessness.

It only took a few curves of my pencil to realize what I wanted to draw: two bodies lying on a mountain, looking at the sky and the stars and each other with the whole world behind them. I wanted to stop, but I didn't.

As if he could read my mind, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and sighed as the name Fransexking shined back at me. I smirked and opened it.

How do you feel about sushi?

My fingers froze. I wanted to respond with a quick "Depends if sushi is somewhere in my near future", but again, I couldn't. I just locked my phone and tossed it back inside through my open door, pretending like that text never happened. I sat on my balcony alone and pretended that something didn't exist, when it was me who wished I could disappear from this life, just for a little while.