Taking Chances

I took a deep breath as I snuggled up against Zayn’s side, my head and hand resting side-by-side on his chest. His heart beat steadily under my ear, and his chest raised every couple of seconds as he breathed deeply.

His fingers moved absentmindedly through my hair, soothing me so much that I could feel myself start to drift off into a content sleep.

“Bailey?” Zayn whispered as The Proposal went to a commercial.

“Hm?” I questioned, blinking slowly, keeping my eyes on the tampon commercial in front of me.

But when Zayn still hadn’t said anything after the commercial finished, I tilted my head upward, the closest I could get to facing him without sitting up. “What?” I asked, this time a little louder.

Instead of answering, he rested his hand on my jaw and leaned forward, closing the distance between us. I propped myself up on my elbow and slid up a little bit, just so that it wouldn’t be so uncomfortable to kiss him.

After a couple minutes, I pulled back, thinking that was the end of it. But he just followed my mouth, flipping me onto my stomach so I was lying on top of him.

“Zayn,” I breathed out as his lips moved down to my neck.

He mumbled something incoherent against my skin, and I closed my eyes from the tickling sensation.

I let him kiss me for another minute. Until he started to run his hands up under my shirt, working to get it off over my head.

“Zayn,” I said again, maybe a little too harshly. “Stop.”

He drew his hands back, blinking at me, confused. “What?”

I climbed off his body and sat as far away from him as the couch would allow. “What are you doing?”

He let out a burst out uncomfortable laughter. “Um…I think you know what I was doing, Bails.”

I flushed violently and straightened out my shirt. “Zayn, we just had sex the night before last.”

He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, which he hadn’t bothered to style that day. “Do you have a limit or quota that I should be aware of?” he joked.

I bit my lip and looked at him, trying my hardest not to get irritated.

“Wait…” he trailed off. “You’re actually upset about this, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, Zayn!” I exclaimed, crossing my arms in front of me. “I am.”

His eyebrows pulled together over his eyes as his face turned from playful to concerned. Before he said anything, he picked up the remote and turned off the television, just when Sandra Bullock was about to dance at the bear. One of my favorite parts.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…” I looked up at him again and, seeing the pain and worry in his eyes, almost made me feel guilty for getting angry at him. “This is what I didn’t want to happen.”

“What?”

“This!” I bit my lip and thought about that for a second. “Or…I guess…that, not this.”

He stared at me for a second before letting out a small snort of laughter through his nose. “I’m sorry, babe, but I’m not following you in the least.”

I took a deep breath and tried to communicate my point better. “Every time I’m over here now, you just want to have sex.” I paused, waiting to see his reaction, but his face hadn’t changed. “We never have discussions anymore. We don’t sit on the couch and just…talk.”

He blinked as my words settled in. “But we weren’t talking then, either. We were watching a movie.”

“That’s not the point!” I burst out, getting to my feet. “The point is that we shouldn’t have to have sex every time we’re together. There are other things to do in the world.”

His eyebrows drew together, and for the first time in our relationship, I could tell that I was actually angering him. “You’re making it seem like I’m the only one who wants the sex, Bailey. You never objected.”

“I know I didn’t,” I replied, feeling myself crawl into my shell a little bit. “That wasn’t what I was trying to say.”

“Then what are you trying to say?”

I let out a sharp, hostile breath. “I’m saying that we should be able to lie down together and watch a movie and do things other than have sex! Why are you so sex-crazed all of a sudden?!”

“Maybe it’s because you finally let me have you!” he snapped without hesitation, standing so he was taller than me, making him seem to have more power. “I figure you owe me something for waiting such a long fucking time!”

My eyes widened as I took a step back. “I owe you something?” I repeated, completely taken aback. “Why? Because, instead of breaking up with me for moving so slowly, you waited?” I laughed a venomous chuckle. “Let me tell you something, you put that on yourself. I didn’t make you stay with me. You should have known that I’d move slowly, since you’re my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and now I’m starting to regret that I gave you my virginity, too.”

Zayn let out a sigh. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh, really? ‘Cause that’s what you said.”

“Look,” he started, his tone sending knives through my stomach, “do you think it’s easy for me, being your boyfriend? Having to take things so slowly because you never know what you’re doing? Because it’s not. It’s frustrating. I just don’t show it because I’m trying to be a decent guy.”

A breath of disbelief exploded out of me. “A decent guy? Really? Because you’re being the biggest dickhead I’ve ever met in my life right now.” I ran a hand through my hair and stormed around him, grabbing my jacket and purse. “And if it’s so fucking hard being my boyfriend, then don’t do it. Here.” With that, I ripped the ring off my finger and threw it across the room, hoping that it landed someplace so hidden that he’d never find it.

Just as I was about to rip open the door, Zayn called, “Bailey, wait. Please. I didn’t mean it.”

“Didn’t mean it, my ass,” I hissed. “Now I know how you really feel about me. Great to know.” And then, just to make him feel even more like shit, I screamed, “Maybe I should have picked Louis over you after all!”

I slammed the door as loudly as I could and stormed down the hallway, shoving my arms through the sleeves of my pea coat.

As I marched back to Rebecca’s and my apartment, I could feel some of the anger draining out of me, getting replaced by intense pain. His hurtful words kept playing in my head over and over like an annoying record that I couldn’t get to stop skipping.

I reached up and wiped away the tears that were pouring down my cheeks, trying to make myself look a little more presentable before I entered the apartment.

When I walked in, Rebecca was on the couch, her laptop in front of her. “Hey!” she called in happy greeting. And then, her tone changed to one of worry. “Wait, what happened?”

Instead of answering, I went straight to my room and whipped the door shut behind me. Before the pictures on my bureau stopped rattling, I’d already collapsed onto my bed, dissolved in a heap of pathetic tears.