Obedience

Toni could feel Loki's eyes on her and was surprised that it didn't bother her, not even a little bit; it usually made her deeply uncomfortable when people stared at her, the only exception being her father. It was strange to her how comfortable she was with Loki, how easy it was to let her guard down, leaving her vulnerable; Toni figured that it was probably because Loki reminded her of her father. Both men were very intelligent, kind people, even though they both acted selfishly; they were both witty, funny, caring, even if only in private, not wanting to show any weakness.

Putting the finishing touches on her latest drawing, Toni looked it over; she'd drawn a picture of Loki and her father from their conversation shortly before Loki threw him out of a window. Tony was behind the bar, holding his drink with a smile on his face and Loki's features were amused; Toni thought it was funny that even though they'd essentially been threatening each other, they were actually a lot alike and had actually gotten along fairly well, all things considered.

Toni turned her attention to Loki, noting that he was well past the middle of her sketchbook; it must've taken her longer to do that sketch than she thought because he was putting a lot of thought into his comments and taking his time evaluating each aspect of every drawing, no matter how small; she'd seen the pages littered with notes when she'd occasionally glanced over at him, and was pleased by the amount of effort he was putting into this task.

Smiling slightly, Toni went back to her journal, starting to draw Loki as he'd been in the courtyard earlier, arms thrown out to the sides after he'd changed his outfit.

Loki knew Toni had been watching him and was pleased that she didn't seem upset by the amount of notes he was giving; he'd been watching her a bit as well while she drew, taking note of the techniques she used. He was still stunned by the accuracy of her drawings, amazed that she'd drawn his armour purely from memory.

Turning the page, Loki's heart skipped a beat as he looked at the portrait of the man he'd killed on the flying machine (Helicarrier, Loki remembered someone saying); Toni heard his sharp intake of breath and looked up. Loki stared across the table at her, shock written on his face, regret following; Toni's eyes hardened when she saw the drawing and Loki flinched away from the look, but he snuck a glance when he heard her sigh tiredly.

"His name was Phil Coulson; he was a great man, someone I deeply admired and respected." Loki grimaced at the anger behind her words. "I hated you for killing him; I wanted to make you suffer." Loki felt tears welling in his eyes at the truth in her voice, the loathing. "But I know better now."

Loki's gaze snapped to hers and he saw the sadness and pain in her eyes. Toni's blue eyes were locked on Loki's green orbs, holding his attention. "I don't even know if you're aware, but you were under the influence of the Tesseract, corrupted by it's power; your eyes were the same color as Clint's when he was under your control, under the power of the Tesseract." By the look of confusion on his face, Toni knew he didn't have a clue. "I understand the Tesseract a lot more now; I don't understand how it's affected me, but I know how it affected you. You'd been beaten, tortured before the power was handed to you, and that's what it latched onto, blocking out the pain, but it also blocked out any positive emotions you held. It blocked remorse and regret because they are painful emotions. It played up your emotions, minimizing some, amplifying others, such as spite and cruelty.

"When Natasha bashed Clint's head into a metal railing, it basically knocked the Tesseract's control out of his mind. Cognitive recalibration. The same happened when I knocked Dr. Selvig out, getting him away from the Tesseract, and I'm assuming being thrown around like a rag doll by the Hulk is what did it for you." Loki scowled at the memory. "My point is that you weren't yourself; they were your emotions, yes, but they were manipulated to make the influence of the cube impact you negatively."

A few moments passed, silence holding the pair in a vice grip; Loki, ashamed of himself and his actions, wouldn't meet Toni's eyes, so she got up and moved to kneel on the floor in front of him. Holding his chin, she forced him to look at her.

"I don't blame you," she whispered. "I don't hate you. I don't loath or despise you. I forgave you as soon as I knew why you acted the way you did, as soon as I saw your eyes afterwards, your beautiful, expressive, green eyes." The tears falling down Loki's face matched the ones Toni was spilling. "I hated you because I didn't understand, but I know now, I know that wasn't you, not really. And I don't blame you. I. Don't. Hate. You. Do you understand me?"

Loki blinked rapidly against his blurred vision and he nodded. Toni stood up and wrapped her arms around him, placing herself in his lap; Loki wrapped his arms around her middle and buried his face against her neck. "I care about you," she muttered thickly, lips pressed to his ear. "I don't hate you and I don't want you to hate yourself; it was out of your control, and I want you to know, understand, and accept that you couldn't have done anything to stop it. I know that you would rather think that you were in control of your actions because knowing that you weren't in control scares you, but you have to accept it so you can overcome this. You have to stop blaming yourself."

Loki clung to Toni like she was his lifeline, keeping him from drowning in his own self-hatred.