The Original Selfish Machines.

end of April 2012

I was sitting in my Consumer Ed class when there was a fire drill. I saw that I had 6 new texts all from one person but I couldn't check them until we were back inside. As soon as we got back to the computer lab, I pulled my phone out to read everything he sent me.

"I don’t want you to feel like I don’t want you or feel like I hate you or anything you just have to see it from my point of view. This needs to stop, and you need to move on from me. When you move, I’m obviously not going to be there. So you can’t just hold on to me like this anymore. I don’t want you to be upset, I just want you to see eye to eye."

That was part of it that summed it up basically. I stared at my phone wanting to breakdown and cry, but I didn't. A girl sitting next to me asked, "are you okay? You look like you're about to cry."

I looked at her and shook my head, "I can't cry, I don't have a fucking heart."

The bell rang and I went to lunch. Ashleigh was already sitting at our table. As soon as she looked at me she knew something was wrong. I read her all the texts as I began to lightly cry. Samm and Jenny came to lunch and didn't bother asking me what was wrong, they probably knew. I pulled myself together and finally replied. Honestly, I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I told him I understood exactly what he meant, which I did.

I still wish you the best of luck, baby and don't go thinking this was a waste of time. I couldn't forget you if I tried.

Once the final bell of the day rang, I walked out to my car as fast as I could. I lit a cigarette not caring that I was still on school property. It was building up in my chest as I drove home and I don't know how I didn't breakdown in my car.

As soon as I was home, I lost it. I laid in my bed crying my eyes like I had never done before. It was the realization that our 4 years was officially over. It was an awful feeling, one that I had been avoiding for so long. It was one of those feelings where I felt like not even music was going to help me at that point. At the end of the day though, music kept me going.

I miss your family and I miss all our friends. if you had it to do over would you do it over again, cause I would, this meant something more to me. there's a hole in my heart where you used to be.

-

The weeks following were spent getting ridiculously high with Ashleigh. I was still feeling really down about everything but at the same time I was better. All it did was add onto my depression. One night I was so gone I literally thought I was going to die.

you killed what was left of the good in me. I'm tired so let me be broken.

I had gotten bronchitis and had to use an inhaler, some medication, and a steroid to help my lungs. Keep in mind, both the steroid and whatever the other medication was caused dizziness and drowsiness. Ashleigh was driving me home and I was sitting in her car freaking out that I was going to die. My heart was beating ridiculously fast and my breathing wasn't normal at all. All the mixture of medication and marijuana wasn't good. Even though it was fucking nuts, it was one of the best highs I've ever had. I didn't care if I would have died in my sleep that night.

I swore I was going to quit smoking until I was better and off medication. Lies. I was back to doing the same shit a few days later. The two of us did a volcano on my balcony. Jesus fucking Chris, I've never coughed so bad in my life. I nearly threw up and my heart was going crazy again. Again, I didn't care if I died from chest problems.

AJ and I talked about three weeks after everything. I don't remember what was said at all though. All I remember is that he replied instantly. Like, wow, you take forever to respond to texts when we talked everyday but when we stop talking, you reply immediately? Makes sense.

August 2012

Its so nice to have a fresh start. I have a new car, new zip code, and my own apartment. Oh, and a new bed with no memories with him in it. The second week of August I packed my shit into my basically brand new gray 2008 VW Passat (thanks mom for the upgrade) and left the Chicago suburbs. It took my mom and I around twenty-eight hours to drive to Las Vegas. Having a turbo engine made it go a lot faster I must say.

My mom left a few days after arriving, which has been one cry fest for her but at the same time shes proud of me. Honestly, I've been lonely as fuck. I haven't met anyone here and have had a hard time finding a job. I just sit online or sleep all day to pass the days. I hate it and it makes me depressed. Money has been stressing me out a lot because after rent, internet, utilities, and my car payment/insurance, my bills total around $1600. I wasn't able to start school this month because the school failed to remind me of a $1000 down payment. I'm starting at the October start date now.

It honestly sucks though. I have no furniture besides my mattress that sits on the floor and a small computer desk. I don't have a kitchen table, couch, television, nothing. I know in time I'll get caught up and be able to furnish my apartment but right now it sucks.

I love how my friends all said they'd keep in touch and text me or skype me. I've talked to my group a couple times since I've left. I only talk to Kylie nonstop everyday, who is hopefully visiting me in November, and of course my mom. I'm just lonely and it adds onto my depression along with the money issue. I did bring my dog with me, so at least I do have somebody to keep my company. My best friend, Niki, left for basic a few days ago. She was also one of the only people I text religiously, so its driving me crazy not talking to her. I won't get to talk to her until the first weekend of November. Hopefully I can get a job and the time will go by faster.

AJ went into basic training for air force last week. Before I left Chicago, I did text him to hope he does well and stays safe in the future. Also to hope he's doing well and is still happy. I was just being nice and not expecting an answer, which I didn't get one. It didn't bum me out. At least he knows that I continue to mean well.

there can't be anymore progress, I know our fate. the only thing that can heal this is time and space.