The Original Selfish Machines.

March 2011

I was half-dead as I walked into school that morning. I had went to The Game Changers Tour the night before (might I add, that was one of the best shows ever) and forced myself to come to school. My school did this thing every year the Friday before spring break called Hoops For Hearts, where basically kids make basketball teams and play all day to raise money. So anyways, it was a bullshit day and I figured going won't fuck me over with the office ladies that hated me.

AJ was supposed to go with me since A Day To Remember, Pierce The Veil, Bring Me The Horizon, and We Came As Romans are also some of his favorite bands as well but decided not to go last minute even though it was a free ticket. I texted him while on the bus that he had missed a great show or some shit. I smiled when I walked through a hall and saw his reply of, "fuck off." so loving.

Later on when I was walking through one of the gyms, we saw each other and smiled. He walked up to me and gave me a hug, "nice shirt," he said.

I looked at my new ADTR tour shirt, "thanks." I gave him a smirk.

He bit his lip and gave me another hug, "I'll text you later, alright?"

I nodded and walked off to find my friends. I felt so happy and giddy again, like a little kid with a crush. It was those ninth grade feelings all over again. I couldn't stop smiling all fucking day until we started texting each other.

-

It was a few days later that I decided to text him about my feelings for him. We had been being cute together and I couldn't keep it together anymore. I told him how he was the reason I was beginning to be happy again and some other things. He hadn't replied and I began to panic, as if I had scared him away again. My stomach was tied in knots and I felt anxious so I decided to take a hot bath and wait for a response. It was about two hours later when he simply said, "you're cute." Not going to lie, I got turned on that he used the correct form of your.

And as you tie me to the bed for good I say, that I want you in the most unromantic way.

It was a Wednesday that we decided we needed to hangout before break was over. We decided to hangout the next day. I knew it was going to be the day it happened. I felt nervous as we texted but at the same time I felt at ease.

"What time are you coming over tomorrow?" I asked.

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"So I know what time to get up to shower and get ready," I replied.

"Don't get ready tomorrow," he said.

"Why?" I looked at my phone confused.

"I like you better without all that."

"Just tell me a time."

The next morning as I was putting my face on he texted me to say he was about to leave. He also asked if he should buy condoms. I told him some generic answer like, "I guess." My stomach started knotting up again.

We went upstairs when he got to my house. He started slightly headbanging as he listened to A Day To Remember blasting through my iHome. I shook my head and turned it down as he kicked his shoes off and laid on my bed. I crawled over his legs and joined him, laying my head on his chest. We walked and kissed a little bit until I lifted my head up.

"Oh my God, I'm gonna beat you!" He jokingly yelled as he looked down at his white hoodie. "I told you not to wear that shit, Carlie! I like you better without makeup!"

I laughed at my makeup that was on his hoodie, "sorry."

AJ got off of the bed and took it off, "now you're going to have to steal me a new hoodie. I stole this shit out of the guy's locker room," he chuckled. He laid back down and kissed me. We pulled away and smiled at each other while he sang along to the ADTR song playing in the room.

We did some foreplay that we hadn't done in almost 2 years. I forgot what it was like to do things with a guy since he was the only person I had done things with. Hearing 'What Separates Me From You' for what was probably the third time got tiring and I got off the bed to change it.

"Yeah, I was about to change that shit now," he said as he walked up behind me.

His hands roamed my bottom as I scrolled through my iPod, "what should we listen to then?"

His teeth were against my bare shoulder, "I don't know, put on some sex music." He left me to go lay back down in bed.

I stared at my iPod dumbfounded because I didn't know what the fuck to put on. I scrolled around a few times and chuckled, "Pierce The Veil?" I let out a small laugh.

"Perfect," he laughed back as they began playing on shuffle. I joined him back on the bed, lacing our fingers as he put his forehead to mine. We went back to fooling around a bit more.

A few songs later, the sound of a piano filled my room. As soon as it did, we stopped what we were doing at looked at each other. Time felt frozen as Vic Fuentes sang "Stay Away From My Friends" and AJ stared at me. We literally stopped kissing and touching each other except for our arms on each other. It wast he sickening knot coming again. I can't explain that moment other than it felt awful yet full of love.

I still can't believe how you look next to me, just like a strip club bedroom scene.

He ran his fingers through my hair towards the end of Yeah Boy, "are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to if you don't want to."

I nodded my head, "I want to."

He nodded and looked nervous. I watched him get off of the bed and walk over to his pants to grab a condom. I hummed along to 'Caraphernelia' while I watched him across the room and let my stomach unknot, letting my mind and body relax. He asked once more if I was positive before we actually did it. I felt like he really did care because why would some guy that just wanna get pussy be so hesitant in doing so? Whenever my asshole friends say he used me, I think of that moment.

He always did that though, that day and the time before, he made sure to tell me that I didn't have to do anything or finish if I didn't want to. He just wanted me to be okay and comfortable, not to regret anything.

-

When we were done, he kissed my head and held me close. As we got dressed, he was acting odd. He bit his lip and let out a heavy sigh. I gave him a weird look and continued to get dressed.

"I want a cigarette," he said hesitantly.

"Then go have one..?" I gave him another weird look.

"Oh, I'm trying to quit."

"Well, that's good," I smiled.

"Yeah, trying to quit that, weed, and cocaine."

I let out a laugh at the last part because of an inside joke between me and one of my bestest friends. I met his eyes as he gave me a slight glare. "Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh," I said quietly and quit laughing.

"Do you think I'm kidding?" He stepped closer to me with a serious look on his face.

"I...I don't know."

"Well, I'm not," he snapped. An awkward silence quickly came between us and I stared at his now uneasy demeanor. "I gotta go," he said and began walking past me.

I turned on my heel and followed him down the stairs. He gave me a tight hug when we were both at the door, "I'll talk to you later."

"O-okay," I said quietly, hugging him back.

As soon as I locked my door, all these emotions came through me. I didn't understand what had just happened. I obviously understood that I had just lost my virginity to him, but the part about cocaine. Why would he tell me that? Like, what the fuck? Obviously he wanted me to know that because that isn't something you just tell somebody, especially when he was acting weird right before hand.

He texted me a few hours later, "I'm sorry about earlier. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, that shit just freaks me out. I don't want you to get fucked up on that."

"I'm fine. I'm not like addicted or anything, I just do it. I'll get better. I promise."

I don't know how you got into me, down my throat and made a home in my veins.