Two Bags

I shifted my weight nervously from one foot to another as I waited for the crowd to shift. The weight of the two bags I carried, one on my shoulder and the other in my hand almost causing me to stumble forward. I steadied myself and gingerly stepped forward.

“Are you okay, child?”, The voice startled me. I looked up to see an elderly man looking at me with what I could only describe as concern in his eyes. Of course, in the sea of resentment, anger and hate that surrounded me, concern was not something I should be able to discern at all. Maybe it was just human instinct. Is it human instinct to care for another person, even if he is unrelated to you? Even if you’ve never even seem them before? But I knew the answer to that. Human instinct was to cheat, plunder and kill. And yet. Yet I knew he cared. I was nothing but a fleeting moment, a vision to be forgotten for him, but he had stopped and asked me if I was okay. Was I okay? Of course I wasn’t okay. How could I be? The weight of hundreds of souls was on my shoulders.

I imagined how I must look like to him. A young, scrawny girl of thirteen, maybe fourteen. Alone and quite lost, stumbling through the sea of humanity, searching for someone, something. I wondered what he saw. I wondered why I caught his notice in the milling crowd. I wondered why he cared...

“Little girl?” His voice shook me out of my reverie. He was looking down at me puzzled and yes, concerned. “Yes, I’m okay.” I smiled at him. I wished he would dig further. I wished he would question me. Ask me who I was, why I was here, what did I carry in my bags. But he didn’t. My answer seemed to satisfy him. “Be careful, girl. This place isn’t safe for someone as young as you. Watch your step.”, he admonished me. I smiled back at him in answer. It was an ironical smile, but he did not know that. He was satisfied. I have been told I have a winning smile. But that was before. Before they stopped noticing. I thanked him and moved forward, shuffling my feet.

I stopped again and looked around. The crowd had cleared a bit now, as the last train had just pulled out of the station. But it will soon be replaced by another throng of people. The always were in a hurry. They never seemed to stop and look around as I was doing now. They never seemed to care. Their only aim was to get wherever they wanted to go to and come back. Quite a dreary life it seemed. But with what I had in way of a life, even that seemed desirable.
I wanted to study. I wanted to work, like these people. Earn for my family so we could escape. But dreams were wrong. They were a distraction. This I had been taught ever since this life had taken hold of me.

After my father and my brother died in an accident on this very platform, I had to take care of my distraught mother. I had to feed her, to make her live. I know if it weren’t for me, she would have ended her life as soon as she could have. But I made her live. I never went out of her sight. And when they came, asking for our services in exchange for a living, I had no choice. They knew it would be that way. They were talking to Mother, but she didn’t do much in those days except stare into space. I wondered what she saw, or whether she saw anything at all. Maybe that was it. Maybe she liked seeing nothing. But when they asked the inevitable question, I could see her eyes regain their lost alertness. She was there, then. But she didn’t answer. I knew somewhere, in her mind, she was hoping they would leave and never bother us again. But she knew that would never happen. And yet, she chose to be silent. I could see the men losing their patience with her and the consequences of that, as we knew from the accident, were appalling . And yet. She chose silence. I knew that any hope that she would respond was a false one.

“Yes”, I answered for her, with more conviction than I actually felt. Startled, they looked at me, ten years of age and scrawny as ever. But in those forty eight hours since half my family had died, I had grown up and now I saw them. I really saw them for what they were. But they did not know that.

They had my full attention now. “Yes”, I repeated, at length. But my word wasn’t enough. They looked at my mother uncertainly. She gave a slight nod in answer. That was enough for them, apparently. They uttered a few words of consolation which were lost upon us and after an awkward few seconds, they left. And just like that, my fate was sealed. How I wish I didn’t...
I was jolted back to reality by the sound of another train coming to the platform. And once again, the crowd surged forward. I looked at the time on the big clock hanging on the wall. It wasn’t time yet. I had to be here early, but not so early as to arouse suspicion. I had to be inconspicuous. I had to move around. But that was proving difficult with the weight of the bag on my shoulder cutting into my flesh and the one in my hand dragging me down. One bag contained all of the few clothes that I owned and a few other knick knacks. Just in case...

I didn’t care much for my clothes or other worldly possessions. If I could, I would throw the bag there and walk away from it without so much as a second glance at it. But that wasn’t what I was told. I knew they were there, in the shadows, watching me.

I climbed the overbridge and crossed over to the other side of the station. It was almost time now. I glanced up at a clock again, 11:57, it clearly said. This one was digital. I wondered how it worked. But I gave up as soon as I started. There was no point.

I heard another train pull into the station and I saw the crowd getting ready. I saw the quiet determination on their face and it made me laugh. I felt quite sadistic. I dragged myself forward with the others this time, and as a door materialized in front of me, I surged forward with the crowd. I knew no one would be watching, in the one minded quest for securing the best seats, but I pretended to stumble and lose my grip on my hand bag. It was on the ground now. And the people couldn’t care less. They didn’t spare it a second glance as they kicked it around. Satisfied, I quickly turned around and walked away. I didn’t need the rocks in that damn bag that had almost pulled my shoulder out of its socket.

I knew they couldn’t prepare me for what came next how much ever they tried. Yet, I tried to imagine it as I walked away. I shuddered and then stopped. It was much more... convenient if I din’t think about that.

I thought about tomorrow, when I would be back here. Retracing my steps. But with a different bag. A very different one...

I don’t know who I would be after tomorrow. I had lost my innocence years ago, so what had I to lose, really? The weight of hundreds of souls...

But I couldn’t get into the logic of all this. I only needed to keep Mother alive and that was that. Tomorrow, there would be a feast. But tonight, we would enjoy a quite peaceful meal together.