Through Sin and Self Destruction

As I checked the address on my phone that Jocelyn sent me, I sighed. I was pretty sure I was at James’s house. The party was here tonight and I was so nervous. I didn’t want to see Ben at all. I had to be there for Jocelyn though. She’s so lucky I love her as much as I do. I sighed once more and knocked on the door. Luckily, Danny answered with a cheer and pulled me inside. I had a feeling tonight would be shitty. Time to put on that fake smile.

“Lilith! You made it. I thought you got lost or some shit.” Jocelyn giggled and hugged me close. My best friend had a beautiful glow to her petite body.

“Ha, nah. I just decided to take my time. Oh, uhm, here’s a present.” I handed her a box with a necklace that had a baby shoe pendant. Her smile widened and she slipped it on.

“It’s adorable, Lil. Thank you. Make yourself at home, dear. Snacks right over there, drinks in the fridge.” She pointed as she talked and I nodded. I stood there for a bit then I went into the living room. It was a nice place James had. I was sure this baby would have a great environment. I kept to myself until Sam came up to me and handed me a glass of Vodka. I gulped and thanked him. I was not drinking this shit..

I snuck away from them while I could and headed towards the kitchen. I made sure no one was looking and poured the liquor down the drain. The smell made me want to vomit. I grabbed some apple juice out of the fridge and sipped at it, trying my best to calm my nerves.

“Why did you, Lilith Noelle Wardon, pour out perfectly fine Vodka?” I jumped but sighed of relief when I realized it was Danny.

“D- Danny.. I have to talk to you..” He raised his eyebrow at me and pulled me into his embrace.

“Talk. I’m listening.” I gulped and tried my best not to shake in his arms.

“I- I’m pregnant, Danny..” He pulled me away a bit as his eyes went wide.

“You’re what?”

“I’m fucking pregnant!” His jaw dropped and at that moment, at that very moment, my heart completely stopped. Ben's laugh shook the walls of the kitchen area as he leaned against the refrigerator.

“You little fucking whore. Of course you are! You can’t keep your legs closed long enough, huh? I bet the bloody fucking thing isn’t even mine!” I shuddered as he yelled and teared up.

“I wish it fucking wasn’t yours, you asshole! Anyone would be a better father than you!” I was shaking hard now with Danny trying to calm me down. Ben got up into my face and stared into my eyes with the same hatred he did before.

“Listen, bitch. I never..ever want to see your aids infected face ever again,” he hissed. I couldn’t take this pressure anymore. I couldn’t take this man destroying my life apart. This baby wasn’t going to have a father. If I even decided to keep this thing. I ran out of the house as best as I could. I didn’t want to leave Jocelyn but I’d tell her about the circumstances later.

I got into my car and started to drive home with Sleeping With Sirens blaring through the speakers. This was the last straw for me. I didn’t even know if Danny would stay my friend after this. He looked surprised when I told him. I didn’t know anything anymore. Did I want this baby? It would be a constant reminder of the asshole who caused it. Could I deal with that? Could this baby even be around the environment I lived in. I didn’t want to end up like my parents. I promised myself years ago I would never let myself turn into something so hurtful.

I sighed as I turned off my car and slowly walked up to my door and unlocked it, letting myself inside. I was feeling a bit dizzy so I decided to lie down on the couch. I was..numb. Maybe I should abort the baby. I was never one for kids anyway. As I thought to myself, I managed to pick up my phone when Jocelyn called.

“Hello..” I sniffled a bit.

“Lilith! What the fuck happened? Ben just punched the wall and I can’t find you anywhere! Are you okay?” She was so worried and I hated hearing her like this.

“I’m at my house.. I left because- because Ben heard me telling Danny I was p-pregnant and he told me he never wanted to see me again and that it probably wasn't even his kid..” I choked out as I started to cry. Jocelyn was silent for a moment. I knew she was pissed. She always got silent before she went off.

“Look, honey, everything will be okay. I’ll talk to him. Get some rest. Your baby needs it..” I sniffled, not wanting to hear that last part. Baby? I didn’t need a fucking child.

I groaned and went to my kitchen. Hmm, pickles and peanut butter sounded amazing right now. I grabbed the jar of pickles out and grabbed a spoon, getting a large amount of peanut butter. I felt like such a fatass at the moment but I had nothing better to do. As I ate in peace, my mind went haywire. I really didn’t know what I’d do. This was something that would affect the rest of my life. Did I want responsibility? Better yet, did I need it? I winced as the nausea came back. A nap would be perfect right now.

I got up from the kitchen table and went to my bedroom. I was so thankful I didn’t work tonight. That was another thing. How could I have a baby with this stripper lifestyle? It just wouldn’t fit. I stripped to my sweats and a bra and laid down, hoping Jocelyn or Danny would call later, as my body drifted to sleep.

~~*~~*~~*~~

BANG, BANG.

I was awoken to the sound of someone knocking at my door. I figured it was Danny, since he was the only person who came over this late anyway. I got up from my bed and made my way downstairs. The knocks came to a halt, along with my sense of functioning, when I opened the door.

“Lilith, can I come in..? I’d like to talk..” Ben’s voice was fragile and he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. This couldn’t be happening..

“Uh- sure,” I choked out as I let him in and closed the door.

“Lilith, please.. Jocelyn talked to me earlier and well, her words are just now sinking into my skin.. I’m not getting younger and I’m completely wasting away. Lil, I realize how much you mean to me. I know I’m a total cunt but please.. You mean a lot to me.” He grasped my hand and I stood there, fozen, as he continued to talk.

“Please quit stripping, Lilith.. I want you all to myself.. I’ll do whatever it takes for you and our baby. I swear..” He looked up into my eyes as a tear traveled down his cheek. I felt like I was in a dream. Was I? Did I just dream that I woke up? He kissed my hand to break me from my thoughts and I teared up.

“Ben, I don’t even think I want this child..” At those words, he broke down onto his knees and started to cry.

“I know I’m a fuck up! I know that! Please don’t take away the one reason I could change my act for!” I stood there, looking down at him. This couldn’t be happening. Ben Bruce, the same man known to take my heart and suck out every ounce of life, now begging for me. This was all so surreal and I had no idea what to do with this.

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