The Summer With Spencer
The Summer With Spencer, Chapter Eleven- Ravaged Mind
I lay sprawled on the couch, bored, scribbling on my cast. I wanted Spencer to be home already. I still had two hours until he was due home, and I had occupied myself with everything possible already. I sat bolt upright, and finally realized something. “Eddie, what did Spencer think of all of those poems I had written for him ? He saw them right, he looked in my notebook ?” “Yes, he saw them alright. I never saw someone look so determined.” “What ?” I asked, confused now. “After he read those, he was so determined to find you. He kept saying “I need to find her. We have to find her.” “So you think that he likes me ?” I asked him, hopeful. Reid had told me that he liked being with me, but I wasn’t sure that his affinity for me was quite as strong as mine for him. “Shut up ! Shut up about that kid already ! Reality check, he’s way older than you ! Nothing’s gonna happen, it doesn’t even matter so just shut up already.” I looked at him like he’d slapped me across the face. It felt like he had. Without another thought, I ran out the front door and slammed it behind me. I kept running, until I reached the end of the block. I stopped searching for somewhere to go. I couldn’t go crying like a baby to the FBI headquarters, and I wouldn’t go back home, so I just kept running.
For the first time, I began to regret my decision to come and spend the summer with Eddie. I missed my friends a lot, and I missed my sister. And as bad as my parents were sometimes, they weren’t all bad. all the time. I began to wish that I had tried harder to get along with them instead of taking the easy way out and running away to Virginia for the summer. But I couldn’t go back to Michigan, not now. I had the team. Eddie’s words echoed in my head, and I began to wonder if I’d misjudged the whole situation. Maybe this whole time the team had just felt sorry for me. They probably all thought that I was weird, that I was such a baby. They probably thought I should have been smarter and escaped, or never been kidnapped in the first place. This whole time, the agents probably thought that I was annoying and that they shouldn’t have to save me. Maybe even Dr. Reid thought I was weird, that I was a creepy stalker, that I was a mental case, telling him that I loved him. He was probably coming up with ways to shake me off right now. I slowed down to a speed walk. Truth be told, my ribs were killing me, but I wasn’t about to stop. I checked my phone, I had been gone about an hour. Eddie hadn’t even tried to call.
I felt horrible, like everyone here hated me. I could just imagine their thoughts, “It’s so annoying to have to take care of this little kid, always needing saving, always stressing everyone out.” How juvenile of me to think that anyone could like me, let alone someone that I liked a lot. I thought of Eddie’s words again. I hoped that Spencer didn’t think that I wanted to date him, I knew that wasn’t right. I just wanted him to be my person, to be there. He was the only one I knew in the entire world that had never called me weird, who had never judged me. I could truly be myself around him, spouting out weird facts and doing nerdy things without ridicule. I sat on the edge of a fountain in a town I had never been in, immersed in my musings. I began to wish that I had stayed dead, what was the point of living now ? I had just alienated anyone who may or may not have cared about me. I was scared, I was sad, I was in pain, emotional and physical, and I was hungry. Things could not have gotten worse.
I was starting to feel everything again. Starting to feel everything I had been trying to suppress bubble up inside me, hot and fast. I was alone, and vulnerable. But I would not let myself cry. I couldn’t believe that no one had come to find me yet. I hadn’t expected the whole BAU team to come running after me, but I had expected at least an appearance from Eddie. Even a call or text would have been nice.
These feelings brought me back to an earlier philosophy that I had abandoned when I came to Virginia. That each person we let ourselves care about, is just one more loss, somewhere down the line. I realized how true that statement rang, especially now. I would find a way to take care of myself, I couldn’t be a burden any longer. In a moment of unsurpassed stupidity, I retrieved my cellphone from my pocket and set it on the ledge of the fountain. I didn’t look back as I walked away.
For the first time, I began to regret my decision to come and spend the summer with Eddie. I missed my friends a lot, and I missed my sister. And as bad as my parents were sometimes, they weren’t all bad. all the time. I began to wish that I had tried harder to get along with them instead of taking the easy way out and running away to Virginia for the summer. But I couldn’t go back to Michigan, not now. I had the team. Eddie’s words echoed in my head, and I began to wonder if I’d misjudged the whole situation. Maybe this whole time the team had just felt sorry for me. They probably all thought that I was weird, that I was such a baby. They probably thought I should have been smarter and escaped, or never been kidnapped in the first place. This whole time, the agents probably thought that I was annoying and that they shouldn’t have to save me. Maybe even Dr. Reid thought I was weird, that I was a creepy stalker, that I was a mental case, telling him that I loved him. He was probably coming up with ways to shake me off right now. I slowed down to a speed walk. Truth be told, my ribs were killing me, but I wasn’t about to stop. I checked my phone, I had been gone about an hour. Eddie hadn’t even tried to call.
I felt horrible, like everyone here hated me. I could just imagine their thoughts, “It’s so annoying to have to take care of this little kid, always needing saving, always stressing everyone out.” How juvenile of me to think that anyone could like me, let alone someone that I liked a lot. I thought of Eddie’s words again. I hoped that Spencer didn’t think that I wanted to date him, I knew that wasn’t right. I just wanted him to be my person, to be there. He was the only one I knew in the entire world that had never called me weird, who had never judged me. I could truly be myself around him, spouting out weird facts and doing nerdy things without ridicule. I sat on the edge of a fountain in a town I had never been in, immersed in my musings. I began to wish that I had stayed dead, what was the point of living now ? I had just alienated anyone who may or may not have cared about me. I was scared, I was sad, I was in pain, emotional and physical, and I was hungry. Things could not have gotten worse.
I was starting to feel everything again. Starting to feel everything I had been trying to suppress bubble up inside me, hot and fast. I was alone, and vulnerable. But I would not let myself cry. I couldn’t believe that no one had come to find me yet. I hadn’t expected the whole BAU team to come running after me, but I had expected at least an appearance from Eddie. Even a call or text would have been nice.
These feelings brought me back to an earlier philosophy that I had abandoned when I came to Virginia. That each person we let ourselves care about, is just one more loss, somewhere down the line. I realized how true that statement rang, especially now. I would find a way to take care of myself, I couldn’t be a burden any longer. In a moment of unsurpassed stupidity, I retrieved my cellphone from my pocket and set it on the ledge of the fountain. I didn’t look back as I walked away.