The Summer With Spencer

Pain. It comes in all forms, the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can’t ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to push through it. I was a deny-er. Deny, deny deny, until I absolutely have to face it. I pushed through my pain and denied it until I couldn’t ignore it any longer, like now.

I guess at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that. Think about it, even if you love someone and know that they aren’t going to leave you, sometimes they can’t help it. People die, and other people are left behind. The unexpected changes lives.

We arrived at the house, and I went upstairs to change into yoga pants and a gymnastics t-shirt. I went back downstairs to sit with Morgan and Reid in the living room. “Kiddo, it’s okay you know, you can cry. It’s been a very rough summer for you.” He went on with a speech about keeping my faith and keeping my chin up, blah blah blah. I stood up and faced them. “We live in a world of worst-case scenarios. We cut ourselves of from hoping for the best, because too many times, the best doesn’t happen. But every now and then, something extraordinary occurs. And suddenly, best-case scenarios seem possible. Every now and then, something amazing happens, and against our better judgement, we start to have hope. You guys are my hope, my best-case scenario. You guys are the only thing keeping me on the right side of the ledge. It may be a lot of pressure, but there’s something to be said about a glass half full, and knowing when to say when. Whenever I’m around you guys, or any of the other agents, my glass is bottomless, and all I want is more. I just need someone steady in my life right now and you guys are it.” With that, I strode off in search of Oreo’s.
I could feel both pairs of eyes on me as I walked into the kitchen. I grabbed my Oreo’s and sat on the floor in the living room. I gave them a small smile, then I laid on my back, ready to explode with everything that had been going on lately. They both came and sat down next to me, one on either side. “I guess at the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things we don’t want to hear, and some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they’re about what you do. Some things you say because there’s no other choice, and some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things, simply speak for themselves.

The things that were talked about were stupid things, but they mattered to me. They were from my previous life, but they made no sense and had no relevancy to now, but I just felt the need to talk, I just couldn’t stay silent, couldn’t let myself be devoured by my thoughts once again. “You know what, I’m gonna make you guys some dinner. Do tacos sound okay ?” “Perfect,” Spencer told me enthusiastically. I made the tacos, singing into my wooden spoon microphone along with my iPod. I danced around the kitchen, feeling carefree for the first time in a long time. Two hot men were sitting in my kitchen with me, at my dining table, on a hot, sunny summer night. Who cared if it was Thursday and they had to work in the morning ? I didn’t matter to me that I was all alone without them, because for a while, I could pretend that my whole life wasn’t going wrong.

Before we ate, Derek asked me the oddest thing-“Shall we pray ?” I looked at him wide-eyed, and choked on my drink. “I’m Athiest….” The two men looked at each other. “I have been for a while, it’s not because of anything that’s happened recently, so chill. You can pray all you want though…” I started laughing then. And I couldn’t stop. I fell out of my chair, to the ground, I was laughing so hard. “Jesus….Ahahaha ! Oh, haha. Wheeew. Sorry, that was rude. I didn’t mean to out down your beliefs. But yeah, I’m an agnostic Athiest. “ I felt a little bad for laughing in his face, but come on. We finished dinner and went outside to hang out together. “So you guys never got a case today ?” I asked Reid. “No, actually we didn’t kind of lucky, huh ?” he told me. I scooted my lawn chair closer to him, I didn’t care if Morgan was watching us or not. I held Spencer’s big, skinny little hand in my own, and in that moment was such a pure, sublime, unparalleled perfection, that I closed my eyes to hold onto it as best I could. Life is a series of these moments; everything else is just waiting for them.

I went inside to get something to drink, when I heard something. A knock maybe ? I peered around the corner and indeed it was a knock at the door. I decided to answer it, for some unknown reason. It’s lucky that I did, because standing there was a gorgeous brunette looking really upset. That girl was my sister.