A Touch of Feeling

‘You smile when you feel like crying, you act like you’re okay, when you’re falling apart inside and you let it go. You move on, because there’s nothing else you can do.’

It was a cool Sunday morning and Justin thought a trip to the local Starbucks would be appropriate for the weather conditions. Outside it was raining, although it was meant to be sunny in the middle of June but Canadian weather changed frequently like that.

He took his umbrella out the stand and scribbled out a note for his mum who was enjoying her weekly lie in:

‘Gone to Starbucks, will be back soon. Love Justin x’

Justin always took care to write love at the end of notes and to leave an ‘x’ just so his close friends and family members would know how much he appreciated them.

As he was leaving the house, his mind wandered to Jason, just as it always had been lately. Could he feel love? Sure it was meant to be a positive emotion, but it is meant to cause you hurt and pain as well, but of course Justin wouldn’t know that. He made a quick mental note to ask Jason next time he saw him, but he knew not to expect a deep explanation, he would probably just reply with something like ‘fuck off’ like always.
Although they were brothers Justin hadn’t known him for long, but he already knew that Jason’s favourite words were ‘fuck’ and ‘off.’

Justin giggled to himself as his wandered from topic to topic, mainly about Jason though.

The rain stopped just as Justin walked into Starbucks, but instead of muttering to himself something about it being ‘just his luck’ that the rain stopped as he went inside, he grinned cheerfully. Normally everywhere he went the sun was shining brightly, maybe it was Jason putting a dark cloud on his positive thoughts.

Justin shook his head, his hair falling softly over his forehead, carefully feathering every aspect of his face. As he went up to order his favourite drink of black coffee he bumped into someone he least expected, although that would explain the rain.

“Hello Jason.” He greeted warmly.

“Fucking hell, not you again.” Jason grunted, face palming himself softly. “Would you stop stalking me, I’m not meant to see you until next Friday.”

“Oh Jason, you’re so silly.” Justin laughed, “I’m not stalking you, do you not believe in fate?”

“Piss off Justin!” He shouted.

“Quieten down, people are looking.”

“Does it look like I fucking care?”

“S’pose not.” Justin replied, slurring his words and shrugging his shoulders.

Both the boys stood there; an awkward silence accompanied them. It seemed like the whole shop had gone quiet after Jason’s outburst and Justin didn’t want to cause Jason to get even more angry, and Jason didn’t want to talk to Justin at all.

Justin fumbled around with his fingers and bit his lip to stop him from annoying Jason even further, but his cheery personality caused him to ask more questions. “So, what are you doing here today Jason?”

“Getting coffee you fag”

“Could you not-“ but before he could finish, Justin was cut short by the waitress. “Next please!”

Justin peered at her name tag and then looked her in the eyes before ordering, “Sam, is it? Please could I have a black coffee, thanks.” The waitress nodded and then started to get the caffeinated substance ready for him. After she was done she handed Justin the black coffee and collected the money off of him. “Have a good say sir” She winked and then went on to serve Jason.

Justin sat by the window in Starbucks; it was his favourite place to sit. Mainly because on a hot summer’s day it was always nice to see the sun shining but he also liked to busy himself by counting everyone who walked past. It was a weirdly favourite past time of his, he normally did it just because he had no one else to sit with but, sometimes, it just put an even bigger smile on his face.

“The slut over there wanted me to give you this.” A gruff voice said in his ear and handed Justin a note.

“Really?” Justin replied joyfully and, opening up the note, he found in it a number with the caption ‘call me.’ Justin hadn’t expected this, he was expecting more maybe a note saying ‘I like your eyes’ or ‘I like your smile’ but Justin didn’t feel disappointed with the number; he couldn’t.

“Thanks Jason, how’d you know it wasn’t for you?” he asked curiously.

“Be serious Justin, who would pick me over you? It’s like asking do you prefer the Devil to God.”

“I don’t think it’s quite that far.” Justin said, trying to cheer up his brother who no longer held an angry expression on his face, just hurt.

“Yes it is.” He started and slid in the chair opposite Justin. “You don’t get it, you’re like the rose petals and I’m the thorns.”

“But together it makes a beautiful flower.”

“Would you stop being so faggish and positive all the God damn time?” Jason snapped, annoyed that his brother couldn’t understand how he felt, but then again neither of them could feel the way each other felt and that’s something they would just have to overcome.

“I can’t help it.”

“Well I can’t help wanting to punch you.”

“I know, Jason. It’s not your fault, just so you know”

“Whose is it then?”

“I … I don’t know.” Justin sighed, defeated. It wasn’t Jason’s fault but then, whose was it?

“Exactly.” Jason snarled before standing up and crumpling his coffee cup in his hand.

“Don’t leave yet.” Justin pleaded.

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because we can talk, like brothers.” He beamed, content with his suggestion.

“Here’s two words for you: Fuck. Off.” Jason laughed. It wasn’t a pleasant sound, though. Not like one that is made through happiness. Jason’s laugh was filled with nothing but sarcasm and annoyance, the feelings he had hanging off every note of his laugh.

As Jason turned to leave Justin grabbed his wrist, stopping him from leaving, but also leaving the twins to be took into each other’s minds again.

Jason was still a mere 5 years old and living in the care home, now without any friends or anyone who would actually put up with him. His favourite care worker had got promoted and got transferred to a better home, leaving Jason with a social worker with anger issues. Just like himself.

Jason was sat on his bed crying his eyes out, because one of the older kids had stolen his teddy bear whom he liked to call ‘buddy,’ since effectively he was Jason’s only ‘buddy’.

“Would you shut the fuck up in there?” The familiar voice called out crossly.

Jason, being the stubborn person he was, (even at that age) continued crying before the male carer who was meant to be looking after Jason stormed in and shouted at him some more.

“People are trying to sleep in here you know. Be quiet before I make you.”

“But I need Buddy.” Jason blubbered, his eyes continuously filling with tears.

“I just told you-“

“I want Buddy.” Jason screamed, causing the carer to come closer and raise his hand before bringing it down onto the poor screaming boy’s face.

The feeling of his hand against his face brought him harshly back into reality, and a slight bump of the hip caused his grip to loosen on Jason’s wrist. The memory had gone, but the stinging feeling on his cheek remained.

“Sorry,” the waiter winked, “but I was just wondering whether you got my number or not.”

Justin was going to answer politely and tell her that indeed he had, and that given a chance he may call her later but Jason piped up and answered for him.

“Yes he did, and no he won’t fucking call you, slut.” The poor blonde scrambled away as fast as she could, embarrassed that she had been treated like that.

Although Justin hated hurting other people’s feelings, he thought he should thank Jason since he did save him from a potentially awkward situation. “Thanks”

“What are you thanking me for bitch, you’re just as bad as her.”

“I’m not a slut!” Justin gasped, pretending to be shocked when really he was laughing on the inside.

“Jason… how often did he hit you?” Justin asked seriously.

“I don’t know what you’re on about.” He answered evasively, looking away quickly.

“At your care home, that man. I saw it all, don’t lie to me, Jason.”

“It’s none of your business.” Jason replied sternly, but if you looked closely you could see the hurt in his eyes. Before Justin could ask any more questions about his past, he ran out the door and down the street, hopefully losing himself in the crowds of people.

“Jason!“ Justin started, but he figured he was gone already and Jason wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon. He would have to wait until Friday’s appointment before asking him anything else.