That Little Box That Beats In Your Chest

On the ride home, Lacey managed to sit in the passenger seat. Somehow, the guys knew to give her some space. She couldn’t hear Jack and Alex play-fighting, or Rian singing along to the radio. All she could think of was herself. She was alone in her head, going over her flaws as she did so often. As stupid as it sounded, she knew she had to lose weight to get Zack’s attention. This little crush was new to her, but seeing Zack flirting with that skinny, peppy barbie was a wake-up call. A much needed one, in her opinion. She had begun to eat more regularly in the past week, and had been weighing herself only twice a day, hoping to see a better person in the mirror. Now, any hope of seeing that person had vanished, along with any shadow of a normal eating pattern.
Rian dropped her off first, and with a few shouted goodbyes from the drunk passengers, Lacey made her way up her driveway. It was past 1 a.m. and her mother had expected her home before midnight. The 16 year-old unlocked and opened the front door, ready to face the wrath of the woman who gave birth to her. She was not disappointed.

“Where were you?” she asked, eerily calm.

“I was out with Rian and them,” Lacey replied, trying to get past her mother. Lacey was forced to stop, unable to move forward because her mother had gripped onto her upper arm. It was apparent she wasn’t letting go anytime soon.

“I saw the boys from the window upstairs. They were drunk. You went to a party, didn’t you?” Lacey gasped as her mother tightened her grip around her daughter’s arm. “You went to a party, dressed like that?” Lacey’s mother motioned to her Superman costume, not even noticing the dried blood that still stained the fabric. “You look like a slut,” she spat out, as she pushed Lacey towards the stairs.

“This is completely appropriate!” Lacey yelled. “I’m a nun compared to 99% of the girls at school!” With that, she turned on her heels, and walked up the stairs to her room, holding back tears. As she closed the door, and sat on her bed, the tears that had been threatening to spill were no longer there to be found. That was one thing Lacey hated, was her inability to cry, even when she wanted to. Years of verbal abuse had changed her from a caring, outspoken, even bossy person to a quiet, reserved, and emotionless one.

Lacey got up to shower, bringing her blade with her, but before she got in, she weighed herself and nearly picked up the scale and threw it around as it showed her those same three numbers: 145 pounds. Lacey stepped into the shower, with every intention of expressing her hate, disappointment and sadness in the only way she knew. While she stood in the shower and traced red lines across her skin, she watched the blood follow the water’s course down the drain, and wished she could follow it, and never resurface. All the things she had experienced today were slowly coming back. She thought of Zack, who was worried about her one minute, and shamelessly flirting with this Barbie wannabe the next. She thought of her mother’s harsh words, and the faint red outlines on her upper arm that accompanied them. She finally thought of Alex and Jack, Zack and that blonde, and Rian and Kara, and slowly sat down in the shower, with the scalding water cascading down her head and back, falling down her face like the unshed tears she wished she could release. As she sat there, in the shower, she realized she was completely and utterly alone. With that final thought, she got out of the shower, got changed into some boxers and a loose-fitting t-shirt, and slowly lay down in her bed, careful not to irritate the new cuts. She fell asleep feeling completely numb, which by this point in her life, was not unfamiliar, but rather comforting.