Imperfection

Dear Diary:

AHHH!!! Life is just spiraling out of control. Breakfast with Kennie the other day was nothing but awkward. She kept trying to make me laugh and smile, but I wasn’t having it. I just lost everything, and the last thing I want to do is smile. I know I personally did the breaking up, but can someone tell me why I am feeling horrible about myself? I am over thinking. However, why the hell would someone you have been with for so long cheat on you? Are you ugly? Are they not attracted to you anymore? Did you gain too much weight because you got too comfortable with the life you were living, so much so that there was no longer a need to impress the one you love with looks? Is your attitude horrible? Are they looking for something else? Are they bored? More importantly have you changed?

When they said that they would stick with you through thick and thin, doesn’t that mean that no matter what comes along they are supposed to still be there for you, even if maybe you did change? What the fucking hell is this shit? Why am I taking this out on myself? I did nothing wrong, she did. She is to blame. Kennie suggested I go to therapy. Yeah, sure why not? It did nothing for me the first time, so let’s try a second go around. I know Kennie is trying, but at the same time, I need to be alone. I know, I know, being with others is better than being alone, clearly, look at what is going on in this crazy head of mine!

You’re supposed to help me figure my life out. Right now, all I see on this page is a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit that has no meaning, but at the same time means a lot. I looked in the mirror and what did I see? A fat, ugly, stupid bitch who ruined her life. Want to know what this really is? Me wanting a life that shouldn’t be. How did I ruin my life? Well I broke up with the one person I absolutely loved more than anything. Was I supposed to go on pretending she wasn’t cheating on me? If I did that, I would have started cutting again because the pain of that would have been too unbearable, because I wouldn’t have been her only love.

That brings me to thought two. Was I not good enough to love? I gave her the world. Is she selfish? Definitely. The pain of not being hers hits me like five thousand piercing knives. It makes me unable to breathe. Another panic attack. I fucking hate, no wait, I despise myself. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I rather be alone. I get hurt less that way; however, the pain of being alone is also there and it hurts just as bad.

Fuck it! I’m going to stuff my face with a goddamn pint of ice cream. I told you, fat ass. No wonder she never wanted to be intimate with me anymore. What the fuck happened to me?

Till Whenever,

Dayna