Harder Than You Know

Present Day

“Hey thanks for picking my car up from the mechanic and getting me from work. I can’t believe my fucking alternator went out on me. It’s such a lovely feeling to go out to your car and not have it start when it was running just minutes earlier.” I rambled as I ran out of the building I worked in and hopped into the car waiting outside. Trying my best to dodge the people I was working with inside just moments earlier.

“It was no problem.” Emily replied with a smile. “Matt didn’t take Jade to daycare today. He totally spent the day spoiling the princess.” She said with a laugh.

“I don’t mean to come off as a bitch or anything, but get your ass in this car and let’s get the fuck out of here!” I semi shouted to Emily who was standing by the driver’s side door I had just climbed in.

“Okay, okay don’t get your panties in a twist.” She said putting her hands up in defense before making her way to the passenger side door. “Not that you ever wear any.” She mumbled under her breath. “Who you trying to escape from?” She asked as she grabbed hold of the door and slowly began to close it; moving it a fraction of an inch every second a teasing smile on her face. I flinched the minute the word ‘escape’ left her mouth. “You really are trying to hide from someone aren’t you?” She asked more serious this time.

“Just close the door and I’ll tell you.” I replied my fingers impatiently tapping the steering wheel as I waited for her to buckle up before I started the car. A lovely habit I have from being a mother. I sighed in relief when I heard the familiar click of the buckle. I quickly turned my key in the ignition and felt my heart sink in my chest when it didn’t start. I tried a second time before letting out a mangled scream before throwing open my door and stomping out of the car. A deep growl emitted from my throat as I forcefully kicked my door shut and started punching the roof of the car. “Today of all days car, why today do you have to hate me. I’ve taken such good care of you; you’re like my second baby. Why do you have to act a fool? Today of all days!” I whined as I threw my head on to the roof of the car.

“Erm … Sweetie? Matt had them put in a kill switch while they were working on the alternator. He didn’t think that your alarm was sufficient enough.” She replied biting her lip trying not to laugh at my antics as she reached over the seat and started the car.

The engine roared to life and my face lit up. “I’m sorry I hit you!” I shouted to my car as I tried to hug the huge place of metal. I smiled as I kissed my shiny black and chrome 1970 Dodge Charger. “Shouldn’t you talk to someone before you just start fucking with their car?! I’m going to kill Matt!” I screeched causing multiple laughs to surface from the side of the building. My eyes went wide when I saw Craig and Max standing outside the building smoking. I quickly ducked my head and jumped into the car before pealing out of the parking lot and down the street.

“Was that …” Emily began looking at me with wide unbelieving eyes. I just narrowed my eyes in response never taking my eyes off the road. “So Matt wants us to pick up a few cases of beer he’s planning something tonight but won’t tell anyone.”

“I could drink a case of beer just by myself tonight. Today was beyond painfully awkward.” I mumbled more to myself than anyone else as I pulled into the parking lot of my beloved circle k. “First I’m late to work because my fucking car decided to die on me, then I get to work and my boss asked me to fill in for Mark because he called in sick, so then I walk in the studio to find low and behold mother fucking ‘Escape The Fate’ in there. I thought they weren’t going to recognize me, but then Jake decided to shout out ‘Look everybody they loves Miss Miranda Sanders decided to finally join us. I heard your classic beauty didn’t want to start this morning, you know you should just keep it in a garage and buy a car from this decade like the rest of us.’ If looks could kill he would have been killed resurrected and killed about seven times. The looks on the guys’ faces were priceless though, I will admit that. I said my hello’s to everybody and cut them off before they could ask any questions by telling them that I was really busy and had some shit to attend to after their shoot. The minute the cameras were done rolling I gathered my things, told everyone goodbye, gave out hugs, and hightailed it out of there.” I ranted as we made our way into the store and bought beer, candy, and cigarettes. Healthy huh?

“So how is Max doing?” Emily asked as we loaded the beer into my trunk. “Like does he look good? Did he look sober?” She pressed when I didn’t answer right away.

“I … uhh … he looked good.” I shrugged as I started the car and pulled back onto the road towards my brother’s house.

“Don’t lie to me Miranda! I heard the hesitation in your voice and the look in your eyes says otherwise.” Emily scolded me like a mother would her four year old daughter. Note to self she needs to spend less time around Jade.

“Fine, fine … He looks amazing. His eyes were clear for once, the foggy drug induced haze didn’t seem to be there. I could feel his eyes on me the whole shoot and he had this adorable smirk on his face that made my knees weak and want to punch him in the face at the same time.” I gushed, my last statement causing Emily to laugh.

“You my dear friend, my sister from another mister, my biffle …” She rambled.

“I get it you love me now cut to the chase!” I cut her off with a laugh.

“Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted!” She said sticking her tongue out at me and scrunching her face up mocking my daughter. “You my friend are one of a kind. Who in their right mind says their smirk made my knees weak and made me want to punch me at the same time?”

“I never claimed to be in my right mind, I’m stuck in my left.” I replied with an overly cheesy grin.

“So I hate to ruin this moment, but I’ve got to tell you something that conveniently just so happened today.” Emily said looking at me during a red light. Her face was void of all emotion which honestly scared the shit out of me. She looked like she was afraid to tell me what ever this was.

“Please don’t tell me my dog died.” I said barely above a whisper. My dog was like another one of my prized possessions. He was just a puppy when I went on tour with my brother last. He is about a year older than Jade, and he plays the big brother role to a tee. He plays with Jade, protects her, and even tells on her when she’s up to no good; unless she’s in the kitchen making a mess then he’s right there by her side trying to dispose of the evidence. “Please don’t tell me something happened to Rosco.” I asked louder as I slowly eased my foot on the gas as the light turned green.

“No Miranda your dog is fine. What on earth makes you think that your dog is dead?” She asked completely confused and bewildered by my outburst.

“The look on your face meant it’s something important, you would have called me if something happened to Jade, I’m currently driving my car so that’s not, so that only left my beloved pitbull.” I reasoned.

“Oh sorry I scared you, but uhh … fuck I’m just going to come out with it.” She said taking a deep dramatic breath. “Jade asked about her dad today?” She rushed out making it sound like one large word.

I slammed on my breaks when Emily said this earn squealing wheels, a screeching horn, and a lovely ‘Learn how to drive you dumb bitch’ from the car that had been on my ass since the light turned green. I in return stuck my favorite finger out of my partially rolled down window, before yelling “If you weren’t driving on my ass you wouldn’t have hit me you fucking bleach blond cunt.” And then hitting the gas and leaving them at the now red light.

“Maybe I should have waited to tell you this until you weren’t driving.” Emily squeaked out her breathing rapid as she clutched her chest at my reaction to the lovely news she just gave me. “We could have fucking died back there. I can’t believe you just slammed your breaks on during a green light and to top it off in the middle of a freaking intersection! You’re not even fazed by the potential wreck at all are you?”

I shrugged my shoulders as a million different thoughts ran through my mind. “Would you have rather I hit the gas and rammed the car in front of us? It was either one of the two reactions and I personally think hitting the breaks was the better option, cause that bitch would have had to buy me a new rear end if she hit me. You just can’t drop a bomb on me like that and not expect some sort of dramatic reaction. I mean it’s me we’re talking about!” I grumbled as we pulled into my brother’s driveway. I turned the keys in the ignition killing the motor. I rubbed my hands over my face and sighed in frustration and be fact that I was running on like 4 hours sleep. “Wha … what did she say?” I asked closing my eyes and flinching away from Emily like she was going to beat me.

“She wanted to know why she has five Daddies when most kids have just one.” Emily replied biting her lip trying her best not to laugh.

I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped my lips and attacked my body, sending me into what I can best describe as a laughing seizure. “What did you tell her?” I asked after I took a deep breath trying to calm my giggle fit.

“I told her that they are her uncles that she only has one daddy… I should have just left it at the uncles’ part, but she caught me off guard and I wasn’t thinking. She then wanted to know who he was and I freaked the fuck out Miranda! I turned the volume up on my phone making it ring and I pretended I had a very important phone call to attend to. I almost shit my pants Miranda I’m not fucking kidding!” She screeched staring at me with wide eyes.

“Johnny fucking Christ on a mother fucking cracker…” I mumbled trying to gather my thoughts causing Emily to giggle.

“I know he’s bite sized, but you can’t eat my bass player.” A deep voice laughed snapping me out of my thoughts.

I looked out my still partially cracked window to see my brother standing there with an amused look on his face. “How long where you standing out there Matt?” I asked as I climbed out the car and locked the doors.

“Long enough to be wondering what you’re going to tell Jade since you haven’t even told me who her father is.” He replied with a serious look on his face.

I growled in frustration running my hand through my hair and pulling it slightly. “I just … I thought I would have a while before she started asking these questions. Fuck me sideways!” I whined.

“First off no that’s how you got in this situation, secondly that would be incest, and lastly she’s a brilliant and very curious kid what did you expect? That she was never going to ask?” Matt replied grabbing two cases of beer from the trunk I had just opened.

I sighed loudly. “How can I tell her if he doesn’t even know?” I mumbled as I closed the trunk and followed Matt and Emily into the house.

“I guess you’re going to have to tell M…” Emily began, but stopped when she saw the daggers I was glaring at her causing her to stop midsentence. “Him, tell him!” She tried to amend her near slip.

“You know who he is?!” Matt yelled whined as he looked at Emily expectantly. “Why does she know who he is and not me? I’m blood she’s not! You use to tell me everything! Fuck, I was the one you told when you started your period!” He ranted. Its Mabbit isn’t it? We already know he’s fertile, or Monty, or Max … its Max right, or fuck what’s that other dudes name … is it Michael? Why does everybody in that bands name start with an M?” He grumbled obviously catching onto Emily’s near slip and figuring out it starts with an M.

“It’s not like she told me I just figured it out since I walked in on the conception of the demon spawn.” Emily replied with a grimace.

“Robert’s name doesn’t start with an M.” I replied with a smirk getting ready to fuck with him.

“She’s obviously not his she doesn’t have curly hair!” He replied rolling his eyes.

“She did when she was little…” I reminded him as I cracked opened a beer and gulping its cold contents.

“You fucked Slash Jr.?!” Matt screamed. His face somewhat resembling this O_o I choked on my mouth full of beer trying my best not to spit it across the room from the laughter that was consuming my body.

After a few seconds I was able to control the laughter and swallow my beer. “Shh little ears.” I scolded him reminding him of Jade. “And no I didn’t fuck Robert I just that it would be funny to see your reaction. What makes you even think it was even someone in that band? There were other bands on tour too.” I remarked walking out the kitchen in hopes to end the conversastion.

My hopes were shattered as he grabbed a beer and followed me into the next room. “Cause they have been one of your favorite bands forever, you even loved them after Ronnie went to jail. Now that’s some dedication right there.” He laughed. “But seriously you’ve had a school girl crush on them for like ever!”

I sat down on the couch next to Jimmy and buried my face between him and the cushion. “What’s going on here?” He asked with an amused smirk on his face.

“Emily let it slip that the sperm donors name starts with an M!” Matt stated.

“You still haven’t figured it out? It’s so fucking obvious, she even looks like him.” Jimmy stated with a knowing gloat.

“All I see is a mini Miranda, but I have my suspicions!” Matt replied frustrated. “Jade come here!” Matt yelled up the stair.

“But I’m watching Sponge Bob!” She whined from the top of the staircase.

“Come here I just want to see something.” He replied with a laugh. I was surprised that he even got a response from her Sponge Bob was her favorite show, so much so that she would tune you out if you tried to talk to her during it. Jade bounded down the steps and skipped her way over to Matt stopping in front of him and looking at him expectantly. He stared at her intently starting with his her dark brown now pin straight hair. Moving to her pale pasty skin that no matter how long we stay out in the sun doesn’t tan; the cute freckles that adorn her nose and are scatter across her cheeks. I unconsciously gulped when he got to her eyes they were the exact replica of her fathers, a deep mossy green. Both Matt and I had hazel eyes, but mine were more brown then anything the green really only came out when I was mad or turned on, but that’s another story.

“What are you chew doing Unca Matt?” She asked as she scrunched up her face in confusion.

“Just looking at how pretty you are.” He replied giving her his signature dimpled smile.

“You’re weird Unca Matt!” She laughed showing off her dimples that she has inherited from our side of the family and skipped off to her play room that Matt had made for her at his house. I sighed as I watched her skip off she even got that from him. Have you even noticed that he doesn’t always strut around the stage like most rock stars he usually skips from spot to spot.

“She looks like a mini her!” Matt said exasperated. “I just don’t fucking see it!”

“Maybe its cause you’re looking too hard.” Zacky said shrugging his shoulders not knowing what else to say.

“Earth to Miranda!” Brian said waving his hand in front of my face. I had been staring at the spot Jade had vacated a few minutes ago. “Where did you go off to in that head of yours?” He asked handing me another beer.

“She was thinking of him.” Emily answered with a knowing smirk on her face.

“I was not!” I defended a little too quickly and the blush on my face giving my bluff away.

“If you still like him why haven’t you told him?” Matt asked not trying to be nosey, but truly interested. That’s one thing I can give him he’s never pushed me into tell him who Jade’s father is. He’s given me his opinion and told me what he thinks, but has never pushed me too far. He’s been very understanding throughout the whole thing which has honestly surprised the shit out of me.

I shrugged my shoulders while thinking of how to word what I was going to say. “It doesn’t exactly matter what I want anymore. Jade’s wants and needs come first and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter if I still like him he’s not fit to be a father. He’s got his own list of problems and I don’t need to add a kid on top of that. I don’t want someone to be in and out of her life whenever he’s sober enough to remember he has a kid, and I don’t want her to be around such things.”

“Miranda people can change. I never pictured you as the motherly type, but here you are putting Jades own wants and needs before your own, and you’re doing an excellent job raising her. You know Jade only wants you to be happy. Maybe knowing he has a daughter is the push he needs to get his life together. I mean you said today when you saw him he looked a lot better, maybe it’s time.” Emily added to the conversation.

“Wait you saw him today?!” Matt, Jimmy, Zacky, Johnny, and Brian all shouted.

“Yea I had to fill in for Mike today and do a video shoot for his band. It was awkward to say the least. I ran out of the door the minute it was over. I’m going to go check on Jade and see what havoc she is causing. When I come back can we please not talk about this?” I replied getting up from my seat and walking up the stairs not waiting for a response.

I smiled when I walked into Jade’s room to find her passed out of the floor in an oversized Avenged Sevenfold shirt and her panties. I picked her up off the floor and laid her onto her bed. I kissed her head before I tucked her in and turned off the lights leaving the faint glow of the TV to light up the room. I looked in the room one last time before shutting the door.

I just about jumped out of my skin when the Matt’s doorbell rang. “Who the hell is that?” I asked leaning over the railing to the stairs. “Everybody we know just walks in.” I added with a laugh.

“A surprise!” Matt shouted back with a smirk on his face. “You know the truth will eventually come out right?” He asked with a glint in his eyes. “Maybe not today, but sooner than you think.”

“Okay Mr. I’m going to be cryptic and odd. I’m going to change into my swim suit and then I’m spending the rest of tonight in that amazing hot tub of yours slowly getting drunk and forgetting the stress of today.” I replied before walking off in the opposite direction. I walked into the room that I had dubbed as my own a when Matt first bought this place and slipped on my bikini, I threw my hair into a messy bun, and grabbed my IPod popping my headphones into my ears. I walked out of my room sing along to a random song once again stuck in my own head.

"Surprise!" Matt's voice called out among a few others I vaguely remember causing me to snap my head up and lose my footing on the stairs which sent me tumbling down the stairs earning a roar of laughter from everybody. I laid there in shock for a few seconds trying to blink away the tears of pain and embarrassment.

“Are you okay sweetie?” Emily asked rushing to my side to access the damage. “You’re going to be pretty bruised in the morning, and I think you’re going to need a new IPod.” He stated grabbing my now smashed one off of the floor and holding it up for me to see.

“Fuck all of you and epically you Mr. Sanders! Nobody talk to me for at least thirty minutes I’m getting me a bottle of Jager and I’m going out to the hot tub like I originally intended. Only this time I’m even more pissed and I have no music to listen to. I bid you good day!”