Harder Than You Know

“What’s with all the hostility?” A voice asked from beside me.

I cracked open one of my eyes and let out a large frustrated sigh when I saw Craig kneeling down next to me. “Should I start from the beginning?” I asked rhetorically but Craig nodded his head yes anyways. “I woke up this morning after 4 hours of sleep got myself ready for work, got Jade dressed, and fed. We go outside I get her in the car and buckled, start the car start backing it out of the driveway, and she informs me she has to go potty and can’t hold it until she gets to daycare. I drive back up my driveway turn off the car, unlock the house, let her go to the restroom, lock the house up again, get her in her seat, try to start up the car and it won’t start. I had to wait an hour for the tow truck to show up and take it to the shop. Matt came to the rescue and picked up Jade and I, we get up to the shop and I find out that the alternator has gone out in my car. I get to work two hours late and find out Mike has called in sick so I have to put all my shit on hold and work with you guys, no offense. Matt had them install a kill switch in my car which led me to believe it was still broken hints my hissy fit you saw me throw earlier. Emily dropped some major news on me causing me to almost wreck my car. I have been harassed for like the past hour about information that I don’t really know how to tell my brother, and haven’t for the past 4 years. You guys scared the shit out of me and I fell down the stairs. I look like a fucking zebra already, I might have possibly cracked a few ribs, and my IPod has been destroyed all within umm … 18 hours.” I replied in one breath before taking a huge swing out of my bottle.

“You have a kid?! How old is she?”

“And of course out of all I said you catch on to the fact I have a daughter; she turns 4 in a few months.” I said before submerging myself under the water hoping when I came back up he would be gone. I felt the water shift and splash and I opened my eyes to see Craig’s face under the water right next to mine a cheesy grin on his face. I quickly shot up out of the water clutching my chest. “What the fuck was that?” I asked Craig who was now drenched and in nothing but his boxers.

“You should know you’re not going to get me to go away that easy. I’m just as stubborn as you are.” He replied with a laugh wiping the water from his face. “Is she with her dad?” He asked resuming his questions.

“No, she’s upstairs asleep. She, she doesn’t know him.” I said biting my lip afraid of what he was going to say.

“So he just left you two?” He pressed on giving me a sympathetic glance.

“No I never told him.” I replied staring at my hands. “I just … I didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to know her and be in her life. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be a constant father figure his lifestyle and ways certainly don’t scream daddy.”

“Do I know him?” Craig asked raising a brow.

“Unfortunately, you do…” I began but was cut off by Jade running out the door with a scared look on her face Max hot on her heels. “Jade baby what’s wrong?” I asked jumping out of the hot tub and running over to her.

“I had a bad dweam and I couldn’t find you. I thought I had lost you.” She cried into my chest. “And den dis scarwy guy tried to talk to me, and I wan just like you told me too.” She added looking at me with a proud smile on her face, which turned to a frown when she looked over my shoulder at Max.

“Jade sweetie he’s one of Mommies friends. He just looks scary. You know how people dress up scary for Halloween?” I asked waiting for her to nod. “Well he likes Halloween so much he dresses like this every day.” I said with a smirk on my face.

Max hand a fake hurt look on his face. “I’m not scary!” He defended himself he said crossing his arms over his chest.

“Max you look like what I imagine the boogieman would.” I said with a laugh causing him to scoff.

“No boogieman!” Jade shouted clutching onto me even tighter.

“Uncle Zacky killed the boogieman remember.” I reminded her.

“Zacky killed the boogieman?” Craig laughed.

“Yup he shoot him wif a gun der was bwood ebrywhere. He’s a hero!” She stated with a proud smile on her face.

“How come you will talk to him but not me?” Max asked with a pout on his lips. I found myself staring at his plump inviting lips until Jade spoke up and snapped me out of my trance.

“Cause you wook like the Joker, and he’s a bad guy!” She answered crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Max. I couldn’t help, but laugh.

“Well next time I hear you crying I won’t try to help.” Max retorted as he copied Jade’s glare and stuck out his tongue. I could help but laugh at the fact that this three year old was getting to him so much.

“Awe poor Maxipad don’t let the little 3 year old get under your skin.” I began but Jade cut me off.

“I am not widdle I turn this many...” She held up four fingers on her hand. “In two months.” She said glaring at me now.

“I’m sorry Princess Payton I totally forgot I gave birth to you almost four years ago.” I replied rolling my eyes as I said this. “I thought you were still a baby!” I said picking her up and cradling her like you would an infant. “How about this, you go inside and ask Aunt Emily to fix you a snack, and I’ll go wash Max’s scary make up off?”

“Can I have candy?” She asked. Her eyes were twinkling and she had an adorable smile on her face.

“You can have a little bit and then you have thirty minutes before you have to go back to bed. Tell Aunty Emily that I said you can have some of the sour patch kids I have in my purse.” She nodded her head yes vigorously before jumping out of my arms and running into the house. “Now come on Max I don’t want you scaring our, MY daughter anymore.” I said catching my slip.

“Fine, fine, you lead the way.” He said motioning me inside; completely obvious to my slip up. “So how have you been?” He asked as I led in towards the upside bathroom.

“I’ve been good. I’ve gotten pretty big freelancing for different companies. Apparently people like the work I did for my brother’s band. I commented as I rummaged through the medicine cabinet looking for the makeup remover. “Ah ha there you are!” I shouted grabbing the bottle and some cotton balls, before proceeding to clean Max’s face.

“Your daughter is adorable.” Max commented as I cleaned the makeup off of his face. “She isn’t…” He began but stopped; my heart began racing a million beats a minute. “No never mind. Is she the reason you stopped talking to me? You find someone else better?” He amended.

My eyes widened when he said this. Honestly I hadn’t been with anyone since him and that was over 4 years ago. “There all done!” I stated cleaning up the cotton balls off the counter and throwing them away.

“Don’t ignore me Miranda!” He growled jumping off the counter and standing in front of me. I stood there in shock afraid to say anything.

“Look I know that what we had wasn’t anything really serious, but please don’t lie to me. I know we did things backwards we has sex before we started dating, and we were only together for like two months before you called me and told me you couldn’t do this anymore, but was there someone else? Is that why you left me?” He asked grabbing ahold of my hands.

“I …” I began looking into his eyes. I so badly wanted to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t; I didn’t know if he had really changed. “I never knew we were really together.” I began, but stopped when I noticed a look of hurt flash across his face. “I really enjoyed the time we were together. I had a lot of fun…” I paused thinking of the times we shared together. We only had sex twice the last night on tour and the night I left him. The rest of the two months was basically us partying with friends and having a good time. “I swear there was no one else.” I replied looking him in the eyes.

“Then why did you leave?” He asked his beautiful green eyes staring into my own. It felt as if he was looking into my soul.

“I just… I had to grow up.” I replied looking down at my feet. “I couldn’t stand lying to my brother, and the drugs were taking a toll on me. I wasn’t up to par at work and my boss didn’t like my work.” I lied. Lying to Matt about Max was nothing to me, and my work when I was with Max was some of my best work ever.

“Oh I see…” He replied looking down at his feet. He looked like he had something else on his mind, but I didn’t want to push him.

“How are you?” I asked leaning against the counter, chewing on my lip ring, as I looked at him.

“I’m doing a lot better. The guys made me go to rehab not too long ago. It’s tough, but I’m managing.” He replied shrugging his shoulder. “Not much has changed with me. I live in the same place, play with the same band, tour the world, and I’ve yet to have a stable lasting relationship.” He answered looking down at his feet. “Do you ever wonder… you know what just forget about it lets just see what the rest of the guys are up to.” He said wrapping an arm around my shoulders and ushering me out of the bathroom. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was going to say.

“So Miranda we’ve got some news for you. We were going to tell you after the shoot, but you kind of rushed out of there before we got a chance.” Monty said rubbing his hands together like a mad scientist.

“Erm … I’m not sure I want to know with what’s going on. You look like you’re up to no good.” I replied trying to back away from the group that had formed around me, but stopping when Max grabbed ahold of my shoulders and held me in place.

“We’ve been looking for someone to film a behind the scenes for our next tour and our record company suggested you…” Robert began, but I cut him off.

“I can’t I’m filming the guys during the recording process.” I replied looking over at my brother for help. I sighed in relief when he stepped closer to me.

“I was dead set against it at first, but then I started thinking, and we’re kind of at a standstill right now. It’s fine by me if you go on tour with them; it would give us more time to get our shit together.” Matt replied smiling at me. I knew this was a bunch of bullshit. I knew they basically had the album written already.

“I uhh, I don’t know …” I began, but Matt cut me off.

“Miranda, if you don’t go on this tour then I’m going to tell them right now. You don’t want me to tell Max do you?” He whispered into my ear.

“I … how did you know?” I whispered back confused as fuck.

He pulled me a few feet away from everybody. “I was doing my big brother role and looking out for you when you were outside with Max and Craig, and I heard your little slip up.” He smiled proudly.

“So you were spying on me and now you're basically black mailing me?” I nearly shrieked.

“No I was doing my brotherly duties. I swear Mir if you don’t take this job and tell Max I will right now.” I glared at me crossing his arms against his chest.

“But who is going to watch Jade? I’m sure as hell not taking them on a tour with those guys!” I replied crossing my arms as well.

“I will, now go up there and tell them you accept.” He said pushing me in their direction. “Oh and Miranda?” He said causing me to turn back around.

“Yea?” I replied looking at him with a nervous look on my face.

“This conversation isn’t over!” He grumbled with a scowl on his face. I gulped loudly knowing Matt was going to chew my ass out for not telling him Max was Jade’s father. I knew he didn’t like Max near as much as the other guys, and seeing how Max was the one guy Matt had forbid me to mess around with this wasn’t going to be pretty. I just nodded my head yes and turned around to look at everyone else who had been watching the two of us.

“I’ll say yes on one condition, Jade gets to come see me during this tour. I’ve never been away from her for more than a week at a time.” I said looking down at my feet.

“Yea sure that’s fine she can come down when Leila come to see me, so they can play with each other.” Craig said pulling me into a hug.

“Awe… Group hug!!!!” Robert yelled as he wrapped his arms around Craig and I, everybody else following in suit.