Harder Than You Know

I was laying in my bunk with my eyes closed listening to the calming flutes, guitars, violins, and other various instruments in “Fhir An Bhata” I tend to listen to Celtic music whenever I need to calm down or just clear my mind; which I honestly needed to do both at the moment. I was already regretting agreeing to film the guys on this tour, it wasn’t because I didn’t like them, or anything like that I felt like I had too much at stake being here and doing this. I felt like I was being forced into doing something that I wasn’t ready for, and basically I was. I knew telling Max was the right thing to do, I knew it would have been an even better thing to do four years ago. I knew I had to, but I was afraid how he would react. I mean if my own brother would react the way he did, I could only imagine what Max would do. I tried to push these thoughts out of my head as I started the song back over as I took a few deep and slow calming breath.

“What are you listening to?” Monte asked as he climbed in my bunk with me.

“Something that would probably make you laugh.” I responded pressing pause on my IPod.

“There are speakers built into the bunks plug it in.” He said pointing over to where the hookup was. I sighed to myself as I reached over for the AUX hookup to plug in the IPod. “So Max had an interesting conversation with Matt earlier.” Monte began but stopped when he noticed the look on my face. I know all the blood had left my face, I felt it the moment he said my brother’s name. My heart nearly stopped when I heard him say Max and Matt’s name in the same sentence. My stomach was churning and I felt faint. “Are you okay?” He asked raising his hand to place on my head to check for a fever, which caused me to flinch away slightly. “I never in a million years pictured Matt as that kind of guy; you two were always so close.” Monte sighed looking at me with pity in his eyes.

“Please don’t look at me like that. You’re going to make me cry, and I really don’t feel like feeling sorry for myself. This was the first time it has ever happened I guess I pushed him to his limit. I told him some things that he didn’t want to hear, but he wanted answers; I guess he didn’t like the answers he got.” I replied as I played with the random bracelets I had on my arms. “So … you ready to hear this music?” I asked in hopes to change the conversation.

“Sure let’s see what demonic music you’re listening to today.” He replied with a slight laugh. I took a deep breath before I hit play letting the music filter through my bunk. “You listen to this?” Monte asked giving me a skeptical look.

“Ye…yea I’ve listened to this since I was a kid.” I replied feeling a little embarrassed.

“This is nice and calming I like it.” He replied as he placed his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. “I’m going to have to get a copy of this from you.” He said a minute or so after the song ended. “I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing. I just wanted to come and check on you, you seemed a little upset earlier.”

“I’m going to be fine. I was just a little embarrassed about the whole situation. I was hoping you guys wouldn’t notice, but I guess that was all just wishful hoping huh?” I said with a laugh.

“I know it’s been a while since you’ve been around us, but we’re not as stupid as we look. Some of us might drink and smoke, but we haven’t managed to kill all our brain cells yet.” He replied with a chuckle as he gave me one of his dimpled smiles.

I could help but crack a smile and laugh at what he had just said. “Thanks I needed that.” I replied doing my best to smile through the pain both literally and figuratively.

“Well I’ll let you get back to doing whatever you were going. I just wanted to let you know I’m here if you ever want to talk. We all are even Michael seemed worried and he’s never even met you before.” Monte said as he rolled out of my bunk.

“Well he’s certainly seen my tits.” I replied with an eye roll. “So who is this Michael kid?” I asked as I propped my head up on my hand.

“He’s my brother he’s playing rhythm guitar for the band, and sorry about this morning. It certainly wasn’t a bad way to wake up though. You’re more than welcome to wake me up every morning like that if you want, I won’t complain.” He joked giving me his best smile and ducking out of the way as I tried to hit him.

“Way to ruin a perfectly nice conversation. I was starting to forget that I was stuck on a bus with a bunch of perverted pigs.” I jokingly replied as I shoved him away from my bunk.

“No need to be pushy I’m leaving.” Monte said as he gave me one last smile.

“Thanks Monte.” I replied giving him a half smile before ducking my head back into my bunk and starting the song over again. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in just lying there and taking in the peaceful music.

“Yo MILF!” I heard Craig’s voice call out. I scrunched up my face in distaste before cracking open one of my eyes. It’s not that I didn’t like being called a MILF I actually took it as a compliment; I just didn’t like the idea of Craig seeing me that way.

“Seriously?” I asked when I saw Craig standing at the foot of my bunk.

“I don’t know it just felt like the thing to do.” He replied shrugging his shoulders. I continued to look at him and not say anything with one eye brow raised. “We’re going to be at the venue in like three hours, so you should probably get ready.” He replied shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Are you telling me how to do my job?” I asked as I sat up in my bunk.

“No, I’m just suggesting.” He replied looking down at his feet. “I was just thinking since you’re going to be out in public and amongst our extremely nosey, but loving fans that uh … you might want to cover that up.” He nervously said as he gestured to my face.

“What you don’t think I’m pretty?” I asked with a fake hurt expression on my face.

“No, no … that’s not it at all…” He said as he stumbled upon his words.

“Well are you embarrassed to be seen with me?” I asked crossing my arms.

“No Miranda I swear that isn’t it at all.” Craig said trying to defend himself.

I jumped off my bunk and walked over to him with a said pout on my face. “You don’t want to be seen with me because I look like shit I get it. I’ll go get dressed.” I said as I slowly pushed passed him.

“Jesus Miranda that’s not it at all! I just didn’t think you’d want a million people asking about it that’s all.” He replied as he grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the look on his face. He seemed kind of outraged that I would think that of him. “Calm down Craig I was just fucking with you. I’ll try to cover it up, but I’m probably just going to make it worse.” I said as I stood on my tiptoes as I looked in my bunk for my makeup bad. “I tried to cover it up the other day and it just drew more attention to it.” I continued as I found the bag I was looking for.

“Damn Mir you made me feel like a major dick.” Craig replied with a relieved look on his face. “I thought you were about to cry on me.” He said with a grimace.

“Well serves you right for telling me to get dressed.” I replied sticking out my tongue.

“I hate you.” He replied crossing his arms over his chest and sticking out his tongue in reply.

“Awe, I love you too.” I cooed as I grabbed my makeup bag and skipped away down the small hallway to the front of the bus. I plopped down on one of the couches between Max and Michael. “Hi I’m Miranda I’ll be filming you guys for the next couple of months. I’ll probably drive you crazy a time or two.” I said sticking my hand out in Michael’s direction.

He looked at me briefly before shaking my hand. “I’m Michael I play guitar and I’ll probably drive you crazy too, so it’s cool. I’ve heard a lot about you.” He replied giving me a smile.

“Funny, because I know nothing about you.” I said as I stuck out my tongue and removed my hand from his grasp.

“According to Craig it’s time for me to cover my ugly bruised face up so your fans don’t think you beat women. So if any of you need to go to the bathroom now would be the time.” I said looking around the room at the guys.

“Jesus Miranda that’s not what I said at all!” Craig yelled as he peered his head around the refrigerator door.

“Yea, but it sounds more dramatic when I say it that way.” I replied giving him a cheesy smile.

“It makes me sound like an asshole.” He replied grabbing a coke out of the fridge. I didn’t reply I just smiled even wider causing my dimples to show and batted my lashes at him. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“I’m fucking adorable I know.” I said as I stood up from the couch and walked over towards the bathroom. “I’m just doing my makeup so I’ll leave the door open, if you need in feel free to shoo me out.” I called out from the bathroom.

I sighed loudly as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. The image staring back at me wasn’t something I liked to see. I shook the depressing thoughts out of my head as I rummaged through my makeup bag. I’ve never had to cover a bruise so I had no idea what to do or where to start. I grabbed some concealer and started applying it over the bruises. I frowned when I realized it wasn’t doing anything to hide the bruises it just seemed to be making them greener. I let out a loud sigh as I started rummaging through my makeup bag for something else to use.

“You’re not doing it right.” A voice called out causing me to jump from shock. I looked up and saw Max standing behind me in the mirror. “You sure are jumpy now.” He said with a slight chuckle.

I turned around and glared at him. “Are you just going to stand there and laugh at me? Don’t you have something better to do? I know I look like shit I don’t need someone peering over my shoulder and laughing.” I said as I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Simmer down.” He said as he patted my head causing me to growl and him to smile at me, which only made me even madder. “I was going to ask if you wanted some help. I’ve had to hide bruises from people before.” He replied as he looked down at his feet.

“You can cover this up?” I asked in disbelief.

“I’m pretty sure I can. Your make up might not be how you’re used to, but the bruise won’t be noticeable at all.” Max said giving me a weak smile.

“Oh my God, you’re a life saver.” I said as I threw myself at him and pulled him in a hug.

“No problem.” He replied as he looked down at me. “Go wash that stuff off your face…” He said as he motioned to the concealer I had applied on earlier “and meet me in the back room. Bring your make up too. I’m not sure if I’ll actually use it with what I have in mind, but you never know.” He said with a smile as he pushed me in the direction of the bathroom.

I grabbed some of the makeup remover and cotton balls out of my bag and started cleaning the mess I had made on my face. I smiled to myself as I watched Max’s retreating figure in the mirror. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel butterflies every time I talked to him. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and splashed some cold water on my face in hopes of getting the fuzzy feeling in my stomach to go away. I looked in the mirror and tried to reason with myself “You’re only going to get yourself hurt if you keep thinking about him like that. You’ve kept a very big secret from him for a number of years now, and when you tell him he has every reason to hate you. It’s not going to be one of those fairytale happily ever after moments. This is the real world and you’re more than likely going to get hurt, but you’ve got to do it …eventually.” I muttered quietly to myself as I turned off the water. I frowned to when I didn’t see any towels in the bathroom to dry my face with and I did the first thing to came to mind I wiped my face on my shirt. I looked at my reflection one more time before walking out of the bathroom and towards the back room where Max told me to meet him.

“What’s wrong you look like someone just killed you’re dog.” Max said when I walked in the room.

“Oh nothing I just miss Jade that’s all.” I replied as he motioned for me to sit in front of him.

“You haven’t even been away from her for a whole day yet.” Max said with a laugh.

“She’s my baby, my life has surrounded around her and only her since I found out I was pregnant. I’ve done everything for her.” I replied as he started applying a thick layer of what I assume is foundation on my face.

“That’s really sweet. I know you said you’re single, but is her dad in the picture?” He asked trying to start a conversation. I flinched away from him when he asked this. “Oh I’m sorry did I hurt your bruise?” He asked with a concerned look on his face.

“Yea, just a little.” I lied. “It’s still pretty sensitive.” I said as he nodded his head. It was quiet for a few minutes as Max waited for me to answer his question. “No he’s not involved.” I finally answered as I looked down at my feet.

“It really kills me that some men just go on with their life like nothing ever happened and want nothing to do with the kids they helped create. You deserve better than that.” He said giving me a smile.

“No … no I don’t. I never told him. I decided to do this all on my own. A kid just didn’t seem to fit in with his lifestyle and I didn’t want Jade to have a part time dad that’s only there when he wants to be. I know I was being selfish but I just didn’t want to put this burden on him, we weren’t together very long anyways.” I rambled to afraid to look up at him.

“Why didn’t you want to tell him?” Max asked as he continued on with my makeup.

“He’d never be around with the type of job he has, and honestly his lifestyle didn’t scream I want kids. He has a very promising future and I didn’t want to screw it up. I mean we’re both so young and … can we… can we not talk about this?” I asked peering up at Max from beneath my eyelashes, my head hung in shame.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward. I was just trying to catch up …” He trailed off as he scratched his head.

“No it’s fine. It’s just something that I don’t talk about that much. I mean I just told Matt who he was the other day.” I replied biting my lip.

“Is that why he…” He trailed off not finishing the question.

“Yea it is. So how are you? How’s sobriety treating you?” I asked trying to change the subject.

“It’s been tough. I have my days where I’m fine and then I have days where I can’t be left alone, but the past couple of days I’ve been doing a lot better.” He said giving me a smile. “Okay I need you to close your eyes and for a second I’m going to do some pretty drastic eye and cheek makeup to draw the attention away from the bruised area.” He said as he waited for me to close my eyes.

I couldn’t help but arch my eyebrows at him and look at him skeptically. “You do realize it is my cheek that is bruised? How is doing drastic eye and cheek makeup going to draw the attention away from my cheek?” I asked

“It’s not really your cheeks but under your eyes. Now do you want me to do this or not?” He asked crossing his arms over his chest.

“Sorry, sorry it’s just I’ve never had a man do my makeup before.” I said as I shut my eyes and let him apply the eye shadow. “How do you know so much about makeup anyways?” I asked as I tried to open one eye to see what he was going.

“Damnit Miranda will you just close your eyes and trust me?” He asked as he swatted my bare leg.

“Yes sorry.” I muttered as I closed my eyes again.

“I used to date a girl who went to the Paul Mitchell Cosmetology School.” He replied as he continued to do my eye makeup.

“Ah yes her name was Lexus if I remember right.” I mumbled.

“You know her?” He asked stopping what he was doing.

“Well I live in the LA area and so does she it’s kind of hard not to notice her at the clubs and with all her post on the internet and what not. Please don’t tell me you’re doing my makeup like hers. I don’t want to look like a raccoon. She can somehow manage to pull that look off I can’t.” I replied swatting his hands away from my face.

“Calm down there Tiger. I’m using pink and black I promise you won’t look like Lexus.” He replied with a laugh. “Now shut up and stop talking.” He ordered. I opened my mouth to say something else and he covered it with his hand. “Hush!” He demanded. I sat there with my eyes closed and my arms crossed over my chest for a good five minutes before he talked. “There all done!”

I opened my eyes and gasped when I looked at my reflection in the mirror he was holding in front of me. “Oh my God you can’t even see it.” I said as I started poking at my face and flinched when I poked my left cheek a little too hard.

“Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.” Max managed to get out in between laughs.

“Fuck you.” I muttered under my breath as I continued to marvel at the magic Max’s was able to perform on my face.

“That could be arranged.” Max replied with a wink.

“I swear you and Monte are pigs.” I replied rolling my eyes.

“I heard my name.” Monte said as he walked into the backroom. “Oh wow Miranda you look … wow! That’s fucking hot … why don’t you do you makeup like that Max?” Monte asked with a laugh.

“Oh fuck off!” Max replied getting up from the couch.

“I guess I should go get changed out of my pajamas. Thanks Max!” I said as I gave him another hug. “You honestly have no idea how much better I feel.”

“Hey Miranda you phone is ringing.” Craig called out from the bunk area.

“Thanks!” I replied as I grabbed the phone and smiled upon seeing it was a call from Emily.

“Talk your on speaker phone.” I said as I sat the phone down on my bunk and dug through my bags looking for something to wear.

“Well this is a conversation I’d rather not have while I’m on speaker phone.” She replied sounding rather annoyed.

“Well I’m sorry but I’m in the midst of getting ready.” I replied as I shimmied out of my pajama bottoms and into a pair of leather pants.

“Eww … Miranda I didn’t want to see your ass.” Craig laughed as he got ready behind me.

“Craig suck it up and be a man. You’re going to have to see me change and get naked unless you’re going to pay for my own tour bus.” I replied.

“I think I’ll just suck it up.” He replied as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“Well let’s just say that Matt told Jade something you probably didn’t want her to know.” She replied through what sounded like clinched teeth.

I felt my stomach drop. “He didn’t.” I replied trying my best not to freak out.

“He didn’t tell her his name, but he said you were with him.” Emily replied trying her best not to say too much since she was on speaker phone and she knew Craig was near me.

“I’ll talk to you later about it in more detail but yes.” She replied. “Oh and Jade wants to say hi.” She said as she handed the phone over to Jade.

“Hey Sweetie, how are you doing?” I asked as I slipped a top over my head.

“Unca Machew said you’re on tour with my Daddy!” She said into the phone.

I choked on my spit when she said this. I jumped up and snatched my phone off the bed and quickly turned off the speaker phone, but it was too late Craig had already heard. “Jade sweetie Uncle Matt was just kidding.” I cooed into the phone trying my best not to freak out.

“He pinky pwomised that he was. Unca Matt doesn’t lie about pinky pwomises.” She said I could just picture her crossing her little arms over her chest and pouting.

“Baby we’ll have to talk about this later. I’m getting ready for work. I love you.” I sang into the phone and hung up before she had time to reply. I know real mature hanging up on your soon to be 4 year old daughter, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was about ready to freak the fuck out. I wanted to scream until my lugs collapsed.

“So Jade’s dad is…” Craig began but I silenced him by wrapping my hand over his mouth. “Look I plan on telling him that’s why I’m here. Please, please, please just let me do this on my own. Please don’t force me to tell him now.” I begged as I literally got onto my knees and begged him.

“How could you not tell him?” He asked looking at me with anger written all over his face.

“Look I didn’t think he would want one a kid, I didn’t think that he had the right lifestyle to raise a kid, I didn’t want to ruin his life.” I pleaded with him. “I know he will probably hate me and want nothing to do with me after I tell him, and I know I was wrong by keeping this from him for almost 4 years now, but I didn’t want my child around all the drugs he was doing. Honestly I don’t know if I could have stayed away from them if he had been around when I was pregnant. I did what I thought was best. Please I swear I’m going to tell him before the end of this tour. Please don’t tell him before I get a chance.”

“Fine, but you’re telling him before Jade’s birthday.” Craig replied with a frown on his face. “I don’t like keeping this from him; he’s one of my best friends, but I can kind of understand why you did it. I … I wouldn’t want my daughter around all of that either.” He said as he ran a shaky hand through his hair.