Saviour

A week later and it’s the 17th July, my birthday. That’s right, I’ve turned 20, I haven’t got any family to celebrate it with, my boyfriend is in a different country touring, none of my friends know, and I refuse to leave my room.

The only time I have left my room in the past week has been to either get a drink or go to the bathroom. Andy has continued calling me, and I’ve still been ignoring the calls. I can’t bring myself to answer. I know that if I do, I will just break down and tell him everything, and knowing Andy, he’ll be on the first flight back here, I don’t want him to disappoint fans just because of me. Another reason was because I’m scared of how he will act.

Hayley is still trying to get me out of my room and for me to tell her everything else that happened. She’s even called the other girls over to get them to try and help, but I wasn’t moving from this spot any time soon. She had also called her Mom and told her what has happened, something I wasn’t happy about. So now, in a weeks’ time, Jen is coming home, and bringing Hayley’s Dad along with her.

Right now, I was sat on my bed listening to Hayley talk to someone on the phone in her room. I had my phone next to me, knowing Andy will call shortly. I was determined to talk to him today; I just wanted to hear his voice, especially as it’s my birthday. He still doesn’t know that, but I’m really not fussed.

I was sat quietly when I felt my phone vibrate next to me. I picked it up and saw Andy’s name flashing across the screen. I pressed answer, and brought the phone up to my ear with a shaking hand.

“H-Hello?”

“Lizzie?” Already I could hear the concern in his voice.

“Yeah.”

“How are you?”

What do I say? Shall I tell him? Or I could pretend to be happy.

“I-I’m fine. How about you?”

“Why have you been ignoring my calls?” He sounded hurt.

“Sorry, I’ve just been really busy.”

“Lizzie, I know you well enough to know when you’re lying, even over the phone.” Andy sighed.

“Didn’t we make a promise we would tell each other everything?”

I took a shaky breath before answering.

“Andy, I promise nothing is up, I’ve just been busy with work to the point where I’m exhausted.”

I hope to god, he believes me.

“Hmm… Alright. You working today?” He asked.

“Nope, day off.”

“Any plans?”

“Nope, apart from lounge around the house and celebrate my birthday with Hayley.”

“It’s your birthday?” Andy sounded confused.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shrugged, then realised he couldn’t see me.

“I don’t know. I just never felt the need to, and I wasn’t going to randomly mention it in a conversation.”

“Alright.”

We both stayed silent until Andy spoke up.

“Well I’m going to take a nap; I refused to sleep last night.” I heard him yawn on the other end, confirming what he just said. “I miss you, I love you. Enjoy your birthday, and I’ll be getting the truth out of you when I’m home.”

“Wha-“

Before I had the chance to finish what I said, Andy hung up, almost as if he knew I would ask him what he is on about.

I sighed and decided to go and get myself a drink, I took the opportunity to leave the room without a blanket wrapped around me, knowing that there was a huge possibility that Hayley was still in her room.

I walked down the stairs slowly and made my way into the kitchen. I walked over to the cupboards where the glasses are held, and opened it to grab myself one, before filling it up with water. I took a sip and placed it down on the counter top, and looked down at my hands. My skin was going pale, I was constantly shaking, and I was becoming slightly thinner.

“So I hear it’s your birthday.”

I jumped at the sound of Hayley entering the kitchen. I turned around and saw her stood there. Many emotions were shown in her eyes, but the one that stood out the most was concern.

I nodded in reply to her question and started to walk out of the room, completely forgetting about my drink. I made it to the door when Hayley grabbed my wrist, causing me to flinch and push her away from me.

“Don’t touch me.” I seethed.

“Lizzie, please. I want to help.” She cried.

“I don’t need your help, and even if I did, there was nothing you could do.” I shouted. “You wouldn’t be able to turn back time and stop me from leaving with my sister, you wouldn’t be able to stop that man I call my Dad violate me in the way he did. There’s nothing you can do to help. So just leave me alone.” I shouted.

Hayley left the room as the doorbell rang, giving me chance to calm myself down. I’m not the same person anymore, I either shy away from someone or snap at them, occasionally I do both, like I just did with Hayley. There will be no hiding all this from Andy when he gets home in about two weeks, he’ll realise straight away, and I just know he will never want to see me ever again. My Dad is right, he’ll never want to know me once he knows what’s happened, or when he sees how I’m acting with everyone. He’ll realise he can do better, and leave me so he can go and find someone who is stable, not slowly going insane and wanting to do whatever she can to make sure she isn’t around much longer.

Once I had calmed down, I picked my drink back up and made my way out of the kitchen and back over to the stairs, to see Ellie and Laura stood there talking to Hayley. As soon as they saw me they shouted ‘Happy Birthday’. I stared at them before running up the stairs. I felt sick, they’ll be wondering how I’ve got all these cuts and bruises. What if Ellie puts it all together? She knows what my Dad is like.

There were so many ‘what if’s’ running through my mind as I sat on my bed.

I sat with my legs pulled to my chest. I looked around my room, trying to find something to take my mind off everything that happened. It was when my eyes landed on my dresser that a smile slowly made its way onto my face. I stood up and walked over and opened the top draw. I lifted up all the crap I had in there and found the tissue that had the blade wrapped up in it.

I know I promised Andy I would never do this again, but times like this made it impossible to turn away from it. It was the only way to take my mind off what had happened. It’s not like he’s here right now, he doesn’t have to know, Hayley or any of the other girls will have to find out, then that way they won’t tell him. I need to do this, otherwise I’ll go insane and do something stupid.

I closed the draw and walked back to my bed. I unwrapped the blade and held it up to the light slightly. I smiled at how clean and shiny it was. We can change that.

I made myself more comfortable on my bed, and placed my right arm out in front of me. I grabbed the blade in my left hand, and placed it on my right arm, and slowly dragged it across my now milky skin. I hissed at the stinging before feeling the relief.

The cuts slowly made their way up my arm, and I was onto the sixth one when my bedroom door came flying open.

“Lizzie come on, we want-“

I looked up and saw Laura stood there, the look of fear and concern on her face. I sighed and went back to dragging the blade across my skin when she stepped into my room more, with Hayley and Ellie following her. I heard them both gasp. I looked up again, and at Hayley, knowing she was the only one who knew why I was like this. I looked at Laura and saw her slowly making her way to me.

“Stay away from me.” I warned her with a shaky voice.

“Lizzie, drop that blade. Please.” She begged.

I still had it pressed to my skin, I just held it there. With every step she took closer to me, I dug it harder into my skin.

“Stay away.” I warned again.

“Why are you doing this?” Ellie cried from her spot next to Hayley, who was just staring at my arm in shock.

“Hayley, help us please.” Laura begged.

Hayley sighed and grabbed hold of them both and dragged them out of my room. I heard them all go down the stairs then the front door opening. Hayley said something and it wasn’t long until I heard them both say bye to her before the front door closed and I could hear her making her way back up the stairs. She stopped outside my door and knocked.

“Lizzie?” She questioned. “Is it okay if I come in?”

I stood up and stumbled slightly from suddenly feeling dizzy. I regained my balance and walked over to my door and opened it. Upon the door opening, Hayley gasped and went to hug me, causing me to move back and her to drop her hands and look at me sympathetically.

“I wish I could help.” She muttered quietly when we both sat back down on my bed.

“I wish I could die.” I whispered to myself.