Forget the World

I think with Jimmy, it's easier to just live. Laying out in the open, the cool grass against my back, with the world endless miles away just seemed so impossible without my blue-eyed angel. For me and Jimmy, life is simplest when we were just laying alone, just laying there, doing nothing. Nothing at all. It's just us, and we can do whatever we want. 

Some days I can still look back and feel the day when everything flew away. The pain is there, the excruciating pain, and the blood is there. The blood is always there. I can't see it without the blood. The metallic tang of it on my tongue, the tangy smell of it in the air, the greasy smear of it on my skin. But the colorful pills make it go away. I force the colorful pills down my dry throat and then I remember that it's just my imagination. It had to be my imagination.

"Rae." The voice that calls my name is soft, sweet, supple, and gentle. The deep tenor chords bring me to life, and when I open my eyes, I find Jimmy hovering over me, smiling down at me. "You dozed off, love," he says. "Am I that boring?"

"No, not boring at all," I giggle. "I was just thinking."

Jimmy flops down next to me in the grass, and thousands of seeds take flight in the light of the setting sun. I look at them for a second and smile before curling up against the solid bar of Jimmy's torso. His arm wraps around me and pulls me close. A sigh of contentment escapes my lips.

"What were you thinking about?" Jimmy asks, finally breaking the silence. 

"Right now," I respond. That's the best way to put it, I think to myself. "Right now, and how I don't think I could ever be happier than I am at this second. Laying here with you, I can almost forget that the rest of the world exists, and that's the way I like it."

"I like it this way too, Rae," Jimmy agrees. He places a kiss against my smooth cheek. "Why don't you close your eyes for a little longer, love? The imagination works better that way, you know."

I close my eyes with a smile on my face. But when I open them again, I find myself staring at a drab gray ceiling. Jimmy is gone, and there's a banging at my door. I curse softly under my breath and get to my feet so I can answer the door. Standing on the other side is my friend Anna, and I smile at her. 

"Good morning, Rae," she says, returning my smile. She hands me a tiny plastic cup filled with colorful pills. I never ask what they're for, because I've always assumed that Jimmy sent them. He always makes sure I'm well taken care of. "What would you like to do today?"

"I want to see Jimmy," I reply, the same thing I say every morning. Anna's face falls a little, but she tries her hardest to hide it. She thinks I don't notice, but I do. I always do.

"Jimmy's busy again today, Rae," Anna tells me. "I'm sorry. Now why don't you take your pills and we'll go down and get some breakfast?"

I sigh and swallow the colorful pills that Jimmy sent to me. As they take effect, the world around me slows down. The colors fade and warp, and I feel like I'm trying to walk through molasses. I scarf down a breakfast, trying not to think of how much I prefer Jimmy's cooking, before I pull on a jacket and head outside. 

It's snowing, and the grounds outside the gray building I live in are already covered in a gorgeous white blanket. I start to walk, to the place where I'll meet Jimmy. Anna says he's busy, but I know that's a lie. This is how it always works, and I never question it. 

I see the black gates up ahead and I stop watching my feet as I walk. Suddenly I'm hitting the sidewalk, and I realize I've stepped in a patch of ice. The pain jittering up my spine jolts awake a slumbering memory, and my vision is stained red, my nose is bombarded with the tangy smell of blood, and my tongue overwhelmed with its taste. I'm swept away from the snow-covered place where I fell and whisked to the place from my horrid imagination. I'm covered in blood, from head to foot, and so is Jimmy. He's sitting next to me in the driver's seat, metal twisted around his body. I'm screaming and screaming and then suddenly…I'm not in the car anymore. I'm back in the snow and I'm confused. That vision was so vivid, and it scared me.

"You're shaking, Rae," Jimmy coos when he finally sits next to me in the snow. "Are you cold, love?"

I shake my head and tuck myself against his warm, lanky frame. "I just had a horrible vision," I confide. Jimmy's arms tighten around me. "There was blood everywhere…I-I could taste it, and it was disgusting. You-You were covered in it, and the car was all twisted around you, and-and…you were dead." The last word comes out as a croak, and for a split second, Jimmy's presense weakens. 

"Shh love, it's okay," Jimmy comforts, rubbing up and down my arm. He places a kiss to the top of my head. "But maybe you should go back inside, where it's warm. We don't want you getting sick, Rae."

"But I want to stay out here with you," I whine. I pull away from him slightly and look him in the eyes. "Why can't you come inside with me? Anna always lies and tells me you're too busy to see me, but I know you're not."

Jimmy looks off into the distance, at something over my head that I can't see. His face is solemn and gray, and I know he's going to say no. He always says no, but I ask every time. "Maybe next time, love," Jimmy replies, his tone of voice very strained. No, not next time. It never happens next time. Jimmy always puts it off, always finds some way to tell me no. 

Jimmy kisses me on the lips and then tells me to go inside, where it's warm so I won't get sick. I grumble but I still go inside because I know Jimmy only wants what's best for me, because he loves me so much. I just wish he would come inside with me, so we could lay in bed and make love like we used to. I miss how things used to be with Jimmy, when we could spend all of our time together, laying out in the the grass, where it was so simple to just forget the world. But something changed, and I was sure it had something to with my new, horrid imagination. Because things only changed when that vision started to appear.

When I arrive inside, Anna is fretting over me and shaking the snow from my jacket. She is yelling at me, telling me it's foolish to be running around in the cold with such a thin jacket on, and I get angry. When she asks me what the hell I was doing outside, I see no harm in just telling her I was with Jimmy.

Anna is surprised, and it shows in her heart-shaped face. "Rae, what do you mean you were with Jimmy?" she asks. 

"I was talking to him," I say furiously. "I know you were lying to me when you tell me Jimmy's too busy to see me, because he comes and talks to me everyday. We sit outside for hours and talk and just forget the world. But he won't come inside with me, and I know it's because you won't let him."

Anna looks down at her feet and sighs as she runs a hand back through her messy brunette hair. I can tell she's debating  over something, something important. Finally, after nearly a silent minute, she looks back up at me with her thoughtful brown eyes. "Wait here," she demands, and because she sounds so urgent, I do as she says without argument. When Anna returns, she has something I can't see clasped in her hand. She tells me to follow her to her room, which is separate from the normal rooms in this gray building.  

"Why did you bring me here?" I question when Anna forces me into a chair in front of her desk. "What do you have in your hand?"

Anna opens her hand silently, and glittering in her palm is a beautiful diamond ring. At first I think Anna is telling me she's getting married, but she shakes her head no when I ask her. "This is your ring, Rae," she informs me. "Jimmy gave it to you about four months ago, on the night of the night of the accident."

"Accident?" I repeat curiously. "What accident?"

Anna opens her mouth, then closes it. I know she's trying to tell me something delicate, something that might hurt me, and she's scared. But now I'm scared, too. "Rae, about four months ago, you and Jimmy were in an accident," Anna starts. "A very bad accident. The two of you went out to dinner, and Jimmy asked you to marry him. It was sleeting while Jimmy was driving you home, and the car hit a patch of black ice. While he was trying to regain control of the car, Jimmy accidentally drove into a guardrail. You, Rae…you were hurt badly. You broke a lot of bones and suffered a significant amount of brain damage, but you survived. Jimmy didn't survive the accident, Rae. The guardrail twisted the car around his body, and his neck was broken."

"What do you mean Jimmy didn't survive the accident?" I ask very softly. 

Anna meets my gaze, and very gently she says, "Jimmy's dead, Rae. He died four months ago."

"No, he's not," I disagree, shaking my head. "Jimmy's alive. I talked to him a few minutes ago."

"Haven't you wondered why you're in this place, Rae?" Anna asks, blatantly ignoring what I've just said. "Don't you wonder why you have to take so many pills every morning, and why there's a huge chunk missing from your memory? The brain damage you sustained in the crash made you this way, Rae. That's why you think Jimmy is still alive. He's a figment of your imagination."

"Jimmy is alive!" I shriek, getting to my feet. "I say him earlier! And I saw him last night and the day before and…and…"

"And every other time you visit his grave," Anna finishes. I collapse back into the chair. Anna comes over to me and sits down next to me. "I need you to remember the night of the accident, Rae. It's the only way you start to regain the brain function you lost in the crash. You have to remember."

"I don't want to," I say, shaking my head. I say I don't want to, but I think I am. The vision is starting to resurface, and the scent, the sight, the taste of blood overwhelm me. I remember the vision I had just before I saw Jimmy in the snow, and I recall how vivid it was. It matches what Anna told me about this accident, but it can't be true.

"I know you don't, but you have to, Rae," Anna commands. She shakes me a little. "Think of Jimmy, Rae. Think of the night he gave you this ring." I shake my head again, but I can't fight this imaginative vision. It's the strongest one so far, and as it jolts through my body, I'm swept away from Anna's office. I'm sitting in a car, and Jimmy is sitting next to me. He's driving. Little flecks of ice are pelting the windshield. "Just let yourself remember," Anna's far-off voice coaxes. "I'll be right here the whole time." I believe her, so I close my eyes and succomb to my memory.
 
I smile to myself as I study the ring. It was the exact one I wanted, the one I'd pointed out to Jimmy in the jewelry store. "I take it you like the ring then, love?" Jimmy confirms, grinning in my direction. 

I nod. "Of course I love it!" I exclaim. "How could I not? Not only is it absolutely gorgeous, but it means here in a few months, I'll be your wife. I'll be Mrs. James Owen Sullivan."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way, Rae," Jimmy whispers. His picks up my hand, the one with the ring, and kisses my knuckles.

Jimmy is only distracted from the road for a few seconds, but that's all it takes. One of the front wheels hits something slick, and Jimmy puts both hands on the wheel in an attempt to regain control. But his over-zealous jerk of the steering wheel sends us flying across the opposing lane of traffic and into a guardrail. I hurt so bad. I want to scream, but no sound will come out of my mouth. My throat feels dry, too dry. My head is pounding, and the blood running down my face leaves a disgusting, bitter taste on my tongue and a tangy, metallic smell in my nose.

I can barely see through the blood and the tears, but I gather all of my strength to move my head and look at Jimmy, who thankfully is still sitting next to me. The car is twisted awkwardly around his slender body, and there seems to be more blood on him than there is on me. But his eyes are closed. His eyes are closed, his chest is not moving, and somehow I already know. 

Jimmy is gone.

"Rae!" Anna's shouting jars me from my memory, and when I resurface, I'm crying hard. Anna has her arms wrapped around me, hugging me close as I finally realize that the past four months have been a lie. I wasn't seeing Jimmy, I was seeing my memories. I was alone, all alone. "It's alright, Rae. It's alright."

"I can't believe he's gone," I sob, clutching tight to my ring. "H-How did I not know this before? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"We knew it was too soon," Anna says. "The doctors said to give you some time to get used to the memory loss. We never expected you to retreat so far into your own mind, especially under our supervision."

I don't say anything else, I just sit there and stare at my shoes as the tears streamed down my face. This was so much to handle at one time, and I find the fact that I'm not a broken mess quite a surprise. I leave Anna's office without excusing myself and go back to my room. There I curl into the fetal position underneath my blanket and when I finally fall asleep, I relive that awful night over and over again.

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪

The next morning, I get up before wake up call and dress in something warm. I slip silently out of my room and creep through the dark hallways until I reach the doors that lead outside. There was a fresh covering of snow from the previous night, and it crunches under my shoes as I walk. I'm going to the same place I always go, only this time I know what it truly is. When I come over the hill, instead of seeing Jimmy waiting for me, I see his gravestone. It is a tiny, flat piece of rock with Jimmy's name and other things inscribed. I sit down in front of it, and everything I plan to say flees my mind.

It isn't long before I sense a person behind me, and I first I fear I've been caught. But when I turn around, I find Jimmy standing behind me. I don't smile this time, because I know he's not real, and I don't lean close, because I know there's nothing there.

"You're early today, love," he muses.

"I know you're not real, Jimmy," I say flatly. No need to pretend. Not anymore. Next to me, Jimmy sighs. "Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.

"I couldn't," is all Jimmy says in reply. "I'm part of your imagination, remember? I only know what you know, love."

I just sigh. I seem to be doing this a lot lately. I take Jimmy's hand and smile over at him. "Jimmy, I want to lay down," I say. "Will you lay with me?"

"Of course, love," Jimmy coos. He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses each knuckle. "It's so easy to forget things when I'm with you, Rae."

"And it's easy to forget things when I'm with you," I agree. "You just make it so easy." 

Jimmy lays down in the early morning snow, sending flurries flying. Some of them go up my nose and they tickle. I lay down next to Jimmy and curl up his side. When he wraps his arm around me body, it feels hollow because I know it's not real. It's just my imagination. But I don't care. Because laying here with Jimmy, I can just forget the world.