Changes

Zayn knew that he had to be strong. Strong for Louis. Because after all, it was Louis that was affected the most. Louis was panicking, hyperventilating on the chair beside him, tears falling down his smooth cheeks, leaving wet tracks on the skin. Zayn was in shock, eyes wide in fear. Terrified of what was going to happen. Tears were threatening to spill over the edge of his eyelids. He carefully pulled Louis from the chair he was sitting on, to his lap. Trying to soothe the hysterical boy.

“I’m so sorry. I’ll see you next week.” The doctor said after a few minutes.

Zayn nodded silently before he nudged Louis to stand up. Leading the still crying boy, Zayn kisses his temple and held him close as they walked through the hallways. Tears were dripping silently from Zayn’s eyes, just a occasional sniff. While Louis, yes Louis, he was sobbing his little, now shattered heart. Zayn wished he could fix it, fix his heart. Be the glue that could hold it together. And maybe he was the glue, but Louis was only able to use tape.

Paul was waiting for them outside, trying to keep the paparazzi’s at bay. Because somehow they had found out about Zayn and Louis hospital visit. Neither Zayn or Paul wanted the media to see Louis so wrecked while Louis, himself didn’t care. His mind was probably somewhere else. So as Zayn and Louis walked to the entrance, they was met by Paul who helped them through the sea of paparazzi’s without Louis being seen or being able to get photographed.

“Come on Louis, get in the car.” Zayn said quietly in his ear.

The reaction Louis had to the news wasn’t unexpected. Zayn would definitely have the same reaction if he was in Louis’ position. Everyone who found out about this kind of think would probably cry like Louis. But Zayn didn’t want Louis to cry or to hurt or be so broken. Yet he would take care of him, no matter what.

“It’s going to be ok. Everything will be fine.”

Zayn put an arm around Louis shoulder, pulling him closer as Louis’ sobs tuned to sniffs. Quiet, soothing words were said and Zayn noticed that the elder slowly fell asleep against him. Maybe sleep was better for the other at this point, just to escape from reality, only for a little while but maybe that was just enough.

He held the smaller man close, afraid to let go, afraid to lose him. Zayn catched Paul’s eye, looking at him with such sorrow and pain. The older man doesn’t know what’s happened; he doesn’t know what the couple had to find out. Zayn doesn’t really want to tell him, he doesn’t want to break him too, wreck him with news that will change so many people’s lives. And he knows that Paul understands. Because he just nods sympathetically, eyes filled with tears that were forced not to be spilled over the edge.

Not wanting to wake the older boy up, Zayn lifted his sleeping boyfriend out of the car. One arm under his knees and one around his back, making Louis’ head fall to his shoulder. There’s tear tracks down his cheeks that are still a bit wet. Occasional droplets fell from Zayn’s eyes, landing on Louis feathery hair. It’s almost too much to bear, thoughts swirl around inside your head. Sadness weighs you down, like you’re sinking to the bottom of the ocean, hands tied behind your back with the tightest knot and you’re unable to swim back up to the surface.

When they arrive at the door of their shared apartment, Paul opens the door for them after he had received the keys from Zayn’s jacket pocket. The house is dark, too dark for Louis, but he’s asleep so he doesn’t notice the blackness that surrounded them. Zayn wants to be able to turn on the light and every single problem would disappear, just like the lamp would erase the darkness. But that’s not possible.

He carried Louis to their bedroom, knowing which way and how to dodge the furniture. He doesn’t turn on the light when he walked in and closed the door behind him, leaving them in complete darkness. It doesn’t bother him, not at all. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to see the wrecked face of Louis, doesn’t want to see how broken he is. He can’t do it forever though. He has to see the shattered remains of his Louis just within the next hours, maybe minutes if Louis wakes up.

Zayn tucks in the older boy and brushed the chocolate brown hair away from his forehead, making it the perfect place to place a kiss, which he does. His hand trails down his face to his cheek. Those beautiful cheek bones that are covered with smooth skin that is so soft and perfect to trace with your finger tips. He almost forgot that Louis still wore his trousers, so he carefully lifts the duvet and unbuttons his chinos before pulling them down in a slow movement, trying to prevent the tired boy from waking up. He succeeds and gently covers Louis with the soft baby pink duvet again.

The only reason Zayn didn’t crawl in beside Louis, was because he had to call Liam. Liam knew what to do in moments like these; he knew how to keep everyone in the band from going insane. He knew what to do to make people feel safe and loved.

“Zayn?” Louis’ voice was raw.

“Hi Louis. You alright?” Zayn stroked Louis’ face gently, smiling down at him.

“Can you tell them?”

“What? You don’t want to tell them yourself?”

“No, I… I don’t want to break them. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but please?”

“I- I’ll tell them. Don’t worry. Why don’t you go back to sleep?”

“Thank you Zayn. I’m so so sorry. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

Zayn pressed a small kiss onto Louis’ lips. Louis fell asleep within seconds and Zayn placed a small kiss on his forehead again. Then he walks out, he doesn’t turn on their little lamp in the corner, Louis hadn’t mentioned it anyway, so he leaves the room dark. He doesn’t really want to tell the others either, but it would probably be worse for Louis to tell them.

He took out his phone and push in Liam’s number. He hesitated for a moment before pushing the green button. As he pressed the phone to his ear, he couldn’t help but feel tears once again filling his eyes. He waits for Liam to pick up.

“Zayn? Are you ok?” Liam knew that they would go to the hospital.

“N-no. I n-need you. Please come o-ver.” Zayn cries out, stuttering on the words.

“I’ll be over in a couple of minutes. Where’s Louis?”

“He’s sleeping. He needs to sleep. He’s so broken. I can’t… I don’t know what to do. Liam, please.”

“I’ll be over in a second. Just stay there.”

“I- I don’t know what to do. I- I- I can’t. I don’t. My baby, I need him. Please.”

“Stay on the phone ok? Keep talking.”

“P-please.”

Zayn sobbed, he sobbed his heart out in the phone. He knew Liam heard everything. But at this moment, he didn’t care. Even though it wasn’t normal for Zayn to cry, Zayn wanted Liam to hear. He wanted Liam to hear how broken he was, because if Lima didn’t know, he couldn’t help. Zayn needed help to survive, Louis wasn’t the only one who needed help and support because Zayn had to watch. He had to watch Louis go through this, this pain and this torture.

Throwing himself over Liam as soon as he opened the door, Zayn got himself into another hysterics of tears and sobs. Heart wrecking wails of despair. Liam held him, held him so close. Whispering soothing words in his ear as they fell to their knees in the hall. Zayn wanted Liam to pick up the pieces, glue him back together.

“It’s ok. It’s going to be fine.” Liam whispered.

“No, no. He’s my baby!”

“Ssh, tell me what they said.”

There were tears streaming down Liam’s face by now. Zayn knew, he heard it in his voice. Zayn wanted to fix him too, stop him from hurting. But he couldn’t. Because he was just as broken, just as shattered.

“Come on Zayn.”

“He- He has…”

“He has what?”

“Cancer. He has cancer.”