Changes

Zayn knew he had broken Liam’s heart. Liam was sobbing too, loudly. But still quiet enough for Louis not to hear. This wasn’t like ripping off a plaster, this was worse. It would hurt for days, months and maybe years. A stinging pain that won’t go away. But they had to be strong, so fucking strong. Because if they weren’t, Louis would break even more than he already had. Zayn definitely didn’t want to see his boy so destroyed.

“Why don’t we go upstairs so you can lie down with Louis? You need each other right now.”

Zayn nodded silently and took a shuddering breath as he got helped off the floor. The tears didn’t stop flowing; they were still running down his cheeks. But now they’re silent, no sobs. Just occasional sniffs. The walk to the bedroom was hard, difficult. He didn’t want to show Louis how sad he was, how all this affected him. Because it wouldn’t make Louis feel better, only worse. Mostly guilty, Zayn assumed.

“Come on. It’s ok.” Liam tried to assure him.

When Liam opened the door, Zayn couldn’t help but take another shuddering breath at the sight of Louis. His beautiful little man, with feathery hair and perfect cheekbones. Silky skin and baby blue eyes that could make anyone fall in love in a heartbeat. With small steps he walked over to the bed. He pulled off his trousers before he lifted the duvet and slipped inside. Pulling Louis closer to him, he breathed in the scent of Louis’ body. He kissed the back of his neck and let out a small sniff.

“You want me to stay in the guest bedroom? Danielle wouldn’t mind. And we can call the others tomorrow?” Liam asked quietly.

Zayn just nodded, to wrapped up in thoughts about Louis to be able to answer verbally. The room turned completely black again when Liam closed the door, deleting the only source of light. The only thing that could be heard was the soft snoring from Louis. Zayn wonder how he could sleep, how he could be so calm even though he had broken down just a few hours ago. Even though Zayn usually could sleep at any time, he couldn’t get himself calm enough to actually drift into the calm state of unconsciousness.

His mind swirled with thoughts. What would happen with the other lads? What would happen to Louis, would he be broken beyond repair? What would happen to One Direction? So many unanswered questions and so much anxiety floating through the thick air. Was this really happening? Or was it just some stupid nightmare? Because Zayn would be more than happy if this was a nightmare. He would be lucky if it was a nightmare.

“I love you.” Zayn whispered against Louis’ neck.

He closed his eyes, desperately wanting to drift off to sleep. His heart thudded in his chest, leaving him hearing his pulse in his ear. He was tired, he was more than tired. He was exhausted. But tired too. Tired of life and tired of being so unlucky. But he promised himself to stay strong for Louis. For his gorgeous boyfriend who was unlucky enough to be diagnosed with this disease.

********************

When Zayn woke up he had Louis curled up against his body, his beautiful face pressed into his chest, breathing steadily against his skin. He studied the way the smaller man’s nose was squished against him, mouth slightly open and eyelids cover the most beautiful pairs of eyes. Zayn was always fascinated by Louis. The way he actually had sunshine in his voice, how his body was filled to the brim with kindness. That he also was quite sensitive and so fucking lovable. There was nothing that you couldn’t love about him really. Maybe when you got to meet him the first time, he’s pretty loud and immature. But underneath all that, there’s this deep man who can put the most difficult thoughts into the most beautiful sentences. A man who can take responsibility and be serious. Zayn loved both sides though. There was something special about it.

The sun streamed through the blinds, leaving a few spots lighter than the rest of the room. Zayn didn’t want to wake the older boy up, he wanted to stay just like this for ever. Just looking down at him, studying his perfect features, gently touching his soft skin. But after a couple minutes of just looking he traced his fingers over Louis’ cheek gently.

“Wake up Lou.” Zayn said quietly.

Zayn watched as Louis’ eyelids revealed the ocean eyes he’d fallen in love with. The eyes that contained so many emotions, but could hide them so well. But if you looked close enough, then maybe you could see the regret, quilt, the fear and last but not least, the love. Zayn could read the elder like an open book, if he got the chance to see him. See him for real.

“Hi baby.” Louis said hoarsly.

“Hey, want to get up and eat?” Zayn asked as his fingers trailed down Louis’ cheek.

“No… Can we just, just lay here for a bit?” Louis said shyly.

“Of course.”

They stayed in that position for a couple of minutes. The only think that could be heard was the sound of their breathing, slow and rhythmic and even. Zayn placed a small kiss on Louis’ forehead and smiled slightly when a small smile spread over Louis’ lips. It was warm underneath the covers, close to sweaty and almost unbearable. But Zayn didn’t have a thought about getting up.

“Liam’s here.” Zayn whispered.

“When did he come?”

“Last night.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Yeah.”

“How… how did he take it?”

“He’s broken, but he’ll be ok.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, It’s not your fault.”

Zayn hugged him, pulling the smaller man closer to his chest. They continued to lay there for a couple of minutes, just lying there without talking without another sound. It wasn’t necessary, far from it. Actions speak louder than words. It was just in this kind of moment were they could just forget, forget everything and let their minds start over again, if they could. They could forget all about the shit and about that fucking cancer that ruined their lives. It’s hard though, to forget. Because even when you’re sure you’ve forgotten everything, it’ll come right back and disturb and make everything crash right back down on you.

“Am I going to die?” Louis asked.

Zayn thought he looked almost embarrassed to ask the question. It shouldn’t be, because that’s a question that’s floating over all of their heads, just waiting to be asked, waiting to be answered. Yet Zayn didn’t really know what to say, he doesn’t know more than Louis.

“No.” He said finally.

“Will you keep me alive? Can you do that?”

“Yeah, but you need to be strong. You need to fight, ok? You can’t give up, even though it hurts so much to fight. Promise me that you won’t give up.”

Zayn was close to tears, but he didn’t let them fall. He didn’t want Louis to feel bad, because he knew that Louis easily would feel guilty. He’d known it from the start. There was nothing wrong with it, but it could easily get in the way. Zayn thought that Louis sometimes used it against him in the weirdest ways. But with a reassuring smile and some kind words that it wasn’t his fault and that there was nothing he could do about it, he immediately became a bit less guilty, which was what Zayn wanted to achieve.

“I promise.” Louis said softly

“I love you so much.”

Zayn never wanted this to end, this right moment. It was beautiful. Beautiful to see Louis so calm. He’d always been sensitive and fragile. That’s why Zayn had taken it as his responsibility as his boyfriend to keep him safe and protect him from all evil. But sometimes, he being protective wasn’t enough. Sometimes it was too much to protect and too much to do to keep him safe and Zayn didn’t have the ability to do it. He wanted to keep him safe and sound.

Louis was small and clumsy and could sometimes forget about the safety. And in that moment, Zayn would be there and take care of him, help him to sit down on a chair if he’d fallen or wipe away tears if he’d hurt himself. It might sound like Louis was a child. He was, kind of. He was a child at heart; he really didn’t want to grow up. He wanted to keep his innocence and Zayn had no problem with that. Sometimes, Zayn wished that he was like Louis. That he coudld let go like him and be carefree and stop being so mature. It might happen at some points, but not as often as Louis. But it fit them. It fit them perfectly.

“I love you too.”

And Zayn couldn’t be happier.