Changes

”I have cancer.”

The words rolled of Louis’ tongue to easily, without any struggle. Zayn wanted to shake the smaller boy, telling him to break even more, to cry, to scream. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? It wasn’t supposed to be easy to say that you’re diagnosed with a death curse, it’s supposed to be difficult, it’s supposed to make you pull your hair off, ripping your clothes, tear the furniture apart. But Louis was calm, too calm. His breathing was slow and even.

Zayn kept his emotion in control as he watched the reactions of the two other boys. Harry was crying, big tears rolling down his rosy cheeks, eyes red and puffy. Niall was quiet, not a single word had been said, not even a little sound. He just sat there, staring into space. Not a single tear had fallen from his eyes. Yet anyway.

“I’m so sorry.” Louis whispered.

Zayn wanted to yell at him, scream that it wasn’t his fault and that he’d never apologize for being sick ever again. He quickly pulled Louis into his chest, not caring that the older boy soaked his gray shirt. The feather haired boy melted into his embrace. Trying to block out the other two’s reaction, Zayn thought. Hands over ears, to block out Harry’s crying and face buried in Zayn’s neck.

None of them knew how much this would actually affect them. Neither of the five new a cancer survivor, nor a non survivor. This was new to them and it was scary, it was terrifying. Zayn swore that he wouldn’t break before Louis. It would be hell if he did.

“Is he going to die?” Niall asked quietly.

Zayn waited for Louis to answer, but it never came. He looked down and saw that Louis had fallen asleep. It must be tiring to find out that your sick. With cancer for the worst. Not wanted to wake the elder, Zayn decided that he could answer. It might even be easier for him than it would be for Louis.

“We don’t know. We’re going to go back to the hospital and find out soon.”

“What will happen with us?” Harry said nasally.

“We’ll stay together. It’s the best for Louis.” Zayn answered immediately.

“The band?”

“I don’t know.”

A long pause would of course be expected, and it wouldn’t be good for either Louis or Zayn to stay put in the stressful environment. The boys knew this and the fans would probably be understanding about their decision to take a long break for Louis to recover from his illness.

“Is he asleep?” Liam asked and gazed down at Louis.

“Yeah, he didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. He’s so stressed about all this and not knowing whether he will die or not. It’s really tiring.” Zayn replied sadly.

“Aren’t you tired too though?” Niall asked.

“Yeah, but we all know that Louis’ more fragile than me. He’s always been.”

Zayn squeezed Louis’ body tighter within his grip. Louis was his baby, even though he was older. But he was smaller, not as tall and he didn’t have the muscles Zayn supported. He had a more fragile mind too; he could be too caught up in the stress that he would break down. Some may think it would be Zayn; that he’s though look just hid an easily broken boy.

Zayn felt Louis’ breath on his neck. Somehow they always end up in this position nowadays. Louis sitting sideways on his lap, hand fisted the younger’s shirt in small hands, head resting on his shoulder. Zayn’s arms around Louis’ waist, holding him close as he breathed in his scent. It was a well known fact in between the band that, that’s how they liked to sit. People who didn’t know them or didn’t like them would probably assume that it was some kind of daddy kink or baby fetish going around. But it was just their way cuddling.

“I don’t want him to die.” Harry mumbled, talking for the first time.

“None of us want him to die, Harry.” Liam said while placing an arm around the youngest.

“But he’s my best friend.” Harry whispered, another tear rolling down his cheek.

“We know.” Liam whispered back.

They all knew Harry and Louis had something special. A friendship that was hard to break. At first Zayn had been jealous of them. Of how Louis would spend the evening with Harry instead of him, but whenever Louis would come home and reassure that he only loved Harry as a friend, Zayn would just throw him an apologetic smile.

It was hard for Zayn to describe his love with Louis. He could always say what he loved about him, but that’s not how you describe the love. Their love was strong, probably breakable though, no love was unbreakable. It was passionate and they fulfilled each other’s needs like no other could.

“I need coffee.” Zayn said, breaking the silence.

“I’ll help you.” Niall said.

Zayn nodded as a thank you and slowly and carefully lifted Louis off his lap on lay him down on the sofa. With a kiss on Louis’ cheek and a soft caress over his hair, Zayn walked into the kitchen, followed by Niall.

“You’re gonna miss him, won’t you?” Niall asked as he plucked a couple of cups from the shelf.

“We don’t even know if he’s going to die.” Zayn replied.

“But he’ll change anyway.”

“I don’t want him to.”

“That’s understandable.”

“But even though he may change a tiny bit, I will still love him.”

“I wouldn’t doubt that, none of us would.”

“We’re just tired, not being able to sleep because you have so many unanswered questions.”

“I figured.”

“You’ll put up with us if we’re grumpy, right?”

“Probably.”

“Good, you know how both of us get with the lack of sleep.”

Niall nodded and put the now coffee filled cups on a tray. When they returned to the living room, Louis was still asleep. Liam was holding Harry in his arms, rocking him as he whispered in his ear. Zayn felt guilt spread through his veins as he watched them, knowing that he was a part why they hurt.

They put the tray on the table and Zayn gave each boy’s one cup, one was left on the tray though. If Louis would wake up, he probably wouldn’t but you could never be sure. Louis would fall asleep, due to painkillers for his headaches. They hadn’t told the other’s which cancer it was and they really didn’t want to tell them either. Because it would give them more thoughts about Louis not being able to survive.

Headaches were the first sign of something was wrong. Throbbing pain that wouldn’t disappear for hours, keeping him awake at night and keeping him from being his carefree, hyper self when being awake. When they first visited the doctors, they couldn’t really find the source of the pounding. They barely thought about doing x-rays. Zayn had thought about suing the hospital for not noticing what caused the aches for so long. But then they found out. Brain cancer.

Zayn didn’t know why they weren’t able to find out if it was terminal or not right away. It would’ve been so much easier if they had just said it, ripped it off like a plaster. But apparently that couldn’t be fixed; instead they had to wait for several days. But it felt more like weeks, even months.

“When will he wake up?” Liam asked as they sipped on their coffees.

“I don’t know. He’s been taking a quite high dose of pain killers.”

“Was he supposed to take such a big one?” Liam’s creased his forehead in confusion.

“Yeah… He’s got severe headaches so he’s been given pills with a high dosage.”

“Why?”

“It’s kind of one of the first signs that he was sick.”

“So it’s brain cancer?”

Zayn nodded, watching the other’s reactions carefully. Liam let out a sad sigh, hunching his shoulders. Harry tensed up, making Liam pull him even closer, if possible. Niall shook his head, like he couldn’t believe it was true. Zayn didn’t think anyone of them could.