The Ideas of When

A couple he had never seen before appeared at the forefront of his mind. He sat helplessly as he watched them walk happily down an aisle, holding hands, and laughing together. A smile spread across his face before a frown slowly took its place. The vision was quickly ending. Terrified screams erupted silently in his ears as the couple crumbled to the ground, dead.

Aidan squeezed his eyes shut trying hopelessly to keep the tears at bay. Was the world truly this cruel? Of course it was. However that fact didn’t take away the heartbreak, it couldn’t.

Opening his eyes he took in the place around him. The little pond went untouched, with nothing breaching the surface, the green grass sat undisturbed, and the trees weren’t even waving their branches. It was as if this place knew he was being haunted, tormented, and it wanted to give him space to breath.

With one last glance at the place he turned his back. He couldn’t sit there anymore, pretending life was perfect, that nothing really went wrong. Clearly, like his mind had shown him, things went wrong all the time and he should just accept the fact.

But he couldn’t; how could he? Death was unfair, it would always be fair, and the only time it would be bearable to see, and even this was debatable, would be when someone was dying of old age.

He silently made his way up to his room, to his desk, and to his notebook. This routine was an awful one, one that he’d love to break, and yet, he couldn’t. Nothing would take his mind away from the pain of others, and nothing would take his mind away from the happiness that he could never really have.

Finding his pen he set it lightly against the paper. He didn’t want to write this, he didn’t want to record it, but his hand made the motions anyway. The words put themselves onto paper; black ink staring up asking someone to question it:

“They were happy, they were in love, and life couldn’t have that. Life, with the disguise of an angered man, shot this couple down. Life just had to balance out the so-called scales right? It just angers me so much, it pains me in ways I’m not sure I can even describe. Maybe this is just Life’s way of saying, ‘Some other couple needs this happiness more.’ Still, even with that logic, it’s unfair. That couple still deserved to live, and the friends and family in that room… Life is an unfair, cruel, merciless, God that needs someone to tip the scales in a different direction, a direction that‘s fair.”

Pushing the notebook away he glared at the words, at the memory of what he saw. If anyone ever saw these notebooks, if anyone ever read them, they would think him deranged.

A few minutes passed before he decided he needed to get out of his room, away from the notebook, and away from his ever churning thoughts.

His feet padded across the floor and down the stairs towards his piano. The sleek black baby grand greeted him with the same welcoming grasp it always did. As he placed his fingers across the keys, he set out the dark tone of his mind.

The melodies, the way the notes carried themselves, the way the keys felt under his fingers, took him away, all the while keeping him lightly tethered.

Liza Gardner’s high-heeled shoes clicked across the hardwood floors interrupting the music he was creating. “Aidan, you didn’t need to stop,” she said, looking in on him from the kitchen. “You know you play wonderfully.”

Aidan graced her with a smile and nodded. He did know he wasn’t horrible, that it wasn’t just noise he created. “You got a call, a woman named Susan Thomas,” he told her, his voice just above a whisper.

Smiling kindly to her son she thanked him before walking back into the kitchen.

Aidan watched his mothers back retreat before turning back to the piano. He wouldn’t play, not with the chance of someone else hearing him. He didn’t mind his mom hearing, she was his mom, but when it was someone else… When he played he felt like he was sharing a piece of his soul. He had seen too much to be able to trust anyone with such an insight.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he did his best to center himself. And when he heard his mom coming back he turned back around to look at her.

“I have to go back out, the lady that called wants to view the house next door. She’s only in town for a few more days and well, I’ll be back,” Liza explained going through the purse on her arm to make sure she had everything.

“Do you want me to prepare dinner then?” Aidan asked his mouth quirking to the side. If there was one thing Aidan couldn’t do, it was cook. He’d often burn himself, or he’d burn whatever it was he was trying to make.

Liza laughed and shook her head. “I should be back in an hour, I’m sure you’ll be fine until then.”

Nodding Aidan once again turned back to his piano and started playing once more. Liza took a moment to watch him before she left the house for the second time that day.

Later that evening when Liza returned she found Aidan laying across the couch staring at the ceiling. “Find any interesting patterns yet?” she asked, taking him away from his thoughts.

“Looking beyond the ceiling. But earlier I thought I saw a sheep,” he responded swinging his legs to the side so she could sit down as well. “How did the showing go?”

“It went well, they’re interested. Tomorrow they’ll come by the office so they can fill out all the appropriate paper work,” she told him. “Did you lie here the entire time I was gone?”

Ignoring her question he inquired about dinner, his stomach rumbling before he could even finish his sentence.

“Let me put some things away first and then I’ll be right down to fix it up, sound good?”

Aidan nodded and went back to staring at the ceiling, or as he said it, beyond the ceiling. His thoughts drifted towards the more mundane things, such as the fact he should probably take a shower, and the fact that he really need to make his bed.

A small smile appeared on his face and he shook his head. If only his visions could show people doing things like that. Not actually taking a shower, he didn’t need to see that, but someone smiling as they folded their children’s laundry, or a couple having a picnic.

And as quick as it appeared his smile vanished. Before he could let any dark thoughts consume him he turned to go to the bathroom and wash up.

For the millionth time, he found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror, searching his eyes for the piece of him that made him different. He almost hated his reflection, but he couldn’t, not when he could see traces of his father. When the harsh biting desire to smash the mirror to bits curled his hands into fists, he left the room, left his reflection, and left his never ending search to finding himself.

Downstairs Liza had finished preparing his salad, and called out to him. Nodding once to himself he took a couple deep breaths to calm himself.

Quickly he made his way towards the kitchen and sat at the small breakfast nook. Aidan didn’t strike up a conversation, instead taking up his fork and popping a few spinach leaves in his mouth. He watched as his mother continued to go about fixing their meal, and a small smile placed itself on his face.

She was so caring, she never pressured him about his day or feelings, and no matter what, at the end of the day she was here, fixing him meals and brightening his otherwise dark world. She was the best mother he could ask for.