The Dedication Letter.
gratitude.
I write the best lines when I'm too miserable to function. I tell the best lies when the person on the receiving end doesn't matter. I stumble on my words when I'm happy. Happiness is like a translucent cling wrap that covers my brain and makes my thoughts seem muddled and foggy. I'm not creative, I'm not articulate, I'm not intelligent when I'm happy.
You said you loved my smile, so I stopped smiling. You said you loved my laugh, so I don't think anything is funny anymore. My hair looked good when it was curly, you said, so it hasn't been curly since you stopped caring. You said I looked good in those floral print dresses or in nothing at all, so I never dress up and the only time I'm naked is in the shower. You loved that thing I did with my tongue. I have no one to do that to anymore, so that's just an irrelevant fact.
You told me you loved me, so I stopped believing in love. You told me to trust you, so I don't believe a goddamn word anyone says. You told me I mattered. I know that I don't.
I never told you the truth about the scars on my hips. Dog bites and cat scratches, I said. I never told you how much I wanted to die. Just a bad day, I'd claim. But it's all okay now that you're here. One of my most famous lines. I lied. Sorry.
If I told you that I never told you a lie, I lied. If I told you that I told you everything there was to know about me, I lied again. If I told you that I was okay, well, there's a third lie. I didn't trust you. I knew you'd fuck me in the end. Oops.
The decaying of our relationship was like an unwatered flower wilting. Or, an overwatered flower drowning. I kept adding water and kept adding water and I expected it to bloom into this beautiful, mythical, immortal thing. But it just drowned, collapsing beneath what was supposed to keep it alive. Too much of a good thing is never a good thing. I never learn my lesson.
My jaw cracks and clicks when I don't want it to. I know that always grossed you out. Now I do it all the time, just in case you're listening. You hated that I didn't eat meat and you thought that my wanting to play bass in a punk band was weird. You ignored me a lot. Fuck you.
I can do better and I might some day but I'm far too selfish and far too self-involved and far too violent to want someone right now. Its not worth it. It never really is.
I'm a miserable human being but I'm a damn good writer. I spin fucking gold when I'm teetering between the edge of the bridge and the water below me. So thank you for making me want to die. You've really improved my ability to write.
You said you loved my smile, so I stopped smiling. You said you loved my laugh, so I don't think anything is funny anymore. My hair looked good when it was curly, you said, so it hasn't been curly since you stopped caring. You said I looked good in those floral print dresses or in nothing at all, so I never dress up and the only time I'm naked is in the shower. You loved that thing I did with my tongue. I have no one to do that to anymore, so that's just an irrelevant fact.
You told me you loved me, so I stopped believing in love. You told me to trust you, so I don't believe a goddamn word anyone says. You told me I mattered. I know that I don't.
I never told you the truth about the scars on my hips. Dog bites and cat scratches, I said. I never told you how much I wanted to die. Just a bad day, I'd claim. But it's all okay now that you're here. One of my most famous lines. I lied. Sorry.
If I told you that I never told you a lie, I lied. If I told you that I told you everything there was to know about me, I lied again. If I told you that I was okay, well, there's a third lie. I didn't trust you. I knew you'd fuck me in the end. Oops.
The decaying of our relationship was like an unwatered flower wilting. Or, an overwatered flower drowning. I kept adding water and kept adding water and I expected it to bloom into this beautiful, mythical, immortal thing. But it just drowned, collapsing beneath what was supposed to keep it alive. Too much of a good thing is never a good thing. I never learn my lesson.
My jaw cracks and clicks when I don't want it to. I know that always grossed you out. Now I do it all the time, just in case you're listening. You hated that I didn't eat meat and you thought that my wanting to play bass in a punk band was weird. You ignored me a lot. Fuck you.
I can do better and I might some day but I'm far too selfish and far too self-involved and far too violent to want someone right now. Its not worth it. It never really is.
I'm a miserable human being but I'm a damn good writer. I spin fucking gold when I'm teetering between the edge of the bridge and the water below me. So thank you for making me want to die. You've really improved my ability to write.