Tell Me All Your Secrets

When Josh asked me about going to his place and watch a movie I was beyond happy, yet I was nervous and terrified that he would bring up my book again, so that I was forced to tell him that it was mine.

When we came to his place we discussed what movie we were going to watch and it turned out to be ‘Green Street’, a movie we apparently both loved extremely much.
Watching the movie brought me back to when I was younger, and what I wanted to be like when I grew up. I wanted to be exactly like the character Charlie Hunnam played in the movie, the tough guy who beat up every football hooligan who wasn’t a fan of ‘West Ham United, and yet didn’t get caught and thrown to jail, but just kept during what he lived for. All of that because I looked up to him, and because I was a huge ‘West Ham’ fan.

But as I got older I dropped that idea, because I of course realized that it was only a movie. Anything can happen in a movie, and I of course would get caught and thrown to jail. But it didn’t stop me from looking up to him and being a West Ham fan, because I still do and I still am.

I was brought out of my change when someone shook my shoulder lightly, “Oy! Oli, are you okay?” I looked to my side and remembered that I was at Josh’s place; I nod my head and smile at him.

“Yeah I’m fine mate.” I smiled and suddenly remembered something I wanted to ask him about, “Hey, I was actually wondering, could I maybe get a chance to see that book you found? Maybe I’ll recognize it, or know who it belongs to?” I asked, again with a smile on my face.

“Of course” he smiled and handed me mythe book, which I took in my hand quickly and opened it, flipping through some pages casually and did as I really glimpsed the text, but why would I do that?

I stopped on a special page.

July 12th 2012

The dream would’ve been better

If I had just went for what I dreamed of,
I wouldn’t be the big failure that I am now.
Things would have been easier, yet harder.
I wouldn’t be this scared or nervous; my family may not have liked me,
But I knew that I would get friends that liked me

I have friends now that like me, but it’s just not the same
I love them to death, but is that thought mutual?
I don’t know what to do without them,
But I still wish I could of least tried what I would feel like, to be like that,
To be the tough guy that people had respect for,
And not to be like what I am now

I don’t want to be this miserable
Be annoying for other people
Or just keep being sad all the time

All I wanted to be was a hooligan
A guy who everybody respected and loved
One who went to every single soccer game, without being humiliated?
Someone, who would fight for respect and honor,

I wanted to be a ‘West Ham Hooligan’ and I wanted to be a part of GSE, Green Street Elite!

I could feel a single tear roll down my cheek as I read through the text I wrote this year, just a few months ago, I hate how I always feel sad and literally nothing can cheer me up.
But did I really want to be a hooligan? To be honest, yes. Yes I did.

“Oli? Are you crying?” Josh asked softly before placing a hand gently on my shoulder.

I quickly whipped away my tears and shook my head, “Nah, my eyes have just been very watery the last couple of months.” I lied and smiled as good as possible.

“You don’t have to lie Oli, I cried as well when I read something in this book.” Josh said honestly, making my eyes widen some, before I blinked quickly.

I nodded slowly before clearing my throat, “Okay now, we should put away this book and watch the movie, yeah?” I asked with a smile on my face, before closing the book and lay it on the table.

Inside I just really wanted to tell Josh that the book was mine and take it home with me, but I knew it wouldn’t be any good if I did. I should just keep it a secret.

Josh agreed with me, and we soon went back to watch the movie again, but my phone went off and I quickly ducked into my pocket and found it.

I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Dan who was calling me, so I instantly picked it up. “Oli here” I said softly into the speakers on the phone.

“Hey mate, where are you at?” Dan asked softly

“Fuck! I forgot, I am at Josh’s place, you know Josh from school.” I said softly and the silence soon took over. “But hey I’ll come now, yeah?” I added with a sigh.

“Yeah, it’s fine. You can come, and if you want to you can bring Josh, okay?” Dan added while I could clearly hear the smile on his face.

I told him okay before we hung up and I sighed, “It was Dan… He asked where I was and that if I would come now and ask you if you wanted to go. So do you wanna go with me to Dan’s place?” I asked with a grin on my face.

“Uhm, yeah sure mate.” Josh said with a smile on his face, and soon we were out of the door and on our way to Dan’s place, which weren’t very far away from my house, which also were pretty close to Josh’s house.

On our way to Dan’s house we walked past mine, and my name was soon yelled by a familiar voice, “Oliver, where are you going?” my brother Tom yelled from our driveway.

I rolled my eyes before turning around to face him, “I’m going to Dan’s, and please tell mum that I’m not sure when I’ll be home, but I’m not going to turn up late.” I said before I turned around again and walked with a very quiet and confused Josh towards Dan’s house.