Status: Finished
God Bless the Children of the Beast
Shattered
It was around the beginning of ’86 when the second huge shock of my life occurred. It was a day off like any other, fighting with the band and wishing I were with Nikki, even though we pretended we hated each other. It seems like the only time we got along, other than in our heads, was when he pulled out a container full of white powder. Then it didn’t matter what band we were in, friends or enemies, all that mattered was being insanely high together until we drowned it out with some Jack Daniels. The drugs, sex, and booze flowed endlessly from dawn till dusk, until some band mates of ours separated us to do other things. Often Tommy would drag Nikki off to some strip club (which I didn’t like by the way) or Jake would haul me off to rehearse (which I assumed was just another excuse for him to start shit with Nikki).
Like I was saying, this day would be different than the others. We were at Rocky’s house to practice, his perfect little girlfriend bringing us drinks from time to time. More than once I noticed myself staring at the mountains far off in the horizon, wishing to be with Nikki. I wasn’t sure which I was addicted to; him or the drugs. I used to think it was him…I always thought it was him. Now I wasn’t so sure. All I knew was I’d rather be holed up in Van Nuys than practicing 4-year-old songs with these losers. That’s when something unexpected happened.
Rocky’s practice room was a giant room with windows on 3 out of 4 walls, visible to the outside but so that nobody could see in. It was an inspiring place to be, to let nature flow through your veins as your fingers graced a fretboard. But then again, was this really about the music anymore? Did we really ever love the music, or each other? Was Nikki really right, those few years ago, when he said we really were “Broken”? My eyes were passing over the sunlight reflecting off distant water when Jake was beside me. “Hey.” He whispered, glancing at me but pretending to follow my gaze. My fingers twitched as they flowed over my guitar’s neck, not playing anything, just anxious to be moving. I wondered why he whispered, since Rocky was in another room and Austin had headphones on.
I acknowledged him as I usually did, with a slight nod in his direction but ignoring him. He whispered once more. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but the guys were thinking of kicking you out.” For the first time ever, I was surprised, and my head whipped around to face him. “Does Eddy know?” I asked incredulously. Eddy was our manager. He shook his head no. “But listen Sam, I was thinking that you and I could ditch these guys. Start our own band, get away together.” I stared at him, not quite comprehending what he was saying. He sighed, used to my usual silence. “I guess what I mean to say is I want you Sami, I always have, but that can never happen while we’re with these guys. Let’s leave LA and do our own thing, we could be much bigger than ‘Broken’ ever was, and do it on our own.”
I finally saw what he was saying. He wanted me to leave Broken, the band that I founded and poured my soul into, wanted me to leave Nikki and my home. The nail in the coffin about all this was that Rocky and Austin probably really were sick of me too. And deep down I knew Jake hated me, if he really did want me he only wanted me away from Nikki, away from distractions. I wasn’t sure what to do as I stood there pondering all this. Somehow I knew it all along but I never wanted to admit it. I would never give in to the inevitable. Is this why I was attracted to Motley? Besides the partying, drugs, and straight up fun, they were a family, something I desperately wanted. I noticed my right hand slowly curling into a fist as I realized everything I so strongly wanted to avoid. “Sam?” Jake asked, a worried look on his face. Now that his secret was out he was starting to act all lovey, his eyes glowing with emotion. The past few years flashed before my eyes, all of the concerts, the fighting, the ways we all looked at each other, every time I tried to run away and hide. Then I did the only thing I knew to do, I punched Jake square between his eyes and watched with emotionless content as he fell to the floor.
Within seconds Austin was behind me, not sure whether I needed protecting or Jake did. I glared at the blonde, suddenly realizing how much I despised him as well. His mud-colored eyes betrayed his shy and useless personality. He was a better match for Jake than I ever was, he always had been. He could put up with his friend’s shit in silence and never dispute it. As Austin noticed my deepening glare he shied away behind Jake, helping his friend off the floor. An assault of cursing ensued as Rocky came into the room.
“What in the hell was that for?!” Jake roared, clutching his bleeding nose, Austin close by. “I’m sick of you!” I retorted, biting each word as it left my mouth. A few loose strands of hair obscured my blazing blue gaze. “What did I ever do to you, what did WE ever do to you, Sami?” He said quietly. I closed my eyes briefly and looked away, out my window towards my paradise beyond this place. “You were never my family.” I said simply. Rocky was standing back, observing quietly. “Sami, that’s not true.” Austin offered, but I shook my head. “The only reason you kept me in this stupid group was because I AM the group, I write every song, I create every lyric. But when I want to do something that’s not group-related, it’s the end of the world. So what if I like hanging out with another band? We’re supposed to be about the music, not jealousy like Jake wants to think. We can never agree on anything, and I’m done.”
I saw Austin give a worried glance at Jake, who was furiously silent. Rocky heaved a sigh beside me. “Do what you want, Sami.” The bassist said. “But once you leave, there’s no coming back.” I stepped away from them, away from the only ‘family’ I had known for the past 5 years of my life. I saw each in turn; Rocky’s calm demeanor and hidden green eyes, always silent, always observing. Jake’s angry and jealous glare, his Black Sabbath-appearance, his hyper personality running faster than the beat of his drums. Austin glancing curiously between me and Jake, shy, afraid. I always thought something was off about him. Then I looked at the group as a whole, and saw not my family, but my enemies. I had written their music, gotten them famous, and I was given nothing but grief in return. I shook my head in a futile attempt to clear my thoughts. “Fuck you.” I said in a barely audible tone, and turned on my heels out the door.
I walked for hours, not sure where I was going, or what I was doing. When I finally lifted my head up I noticed that it was extremely dark out. I also noticed I was close to Van Nuys. I headed in the only direction I wanted to go, home. Not my home, but my heart’s home. Like it or not there was only one place I wanted to be. It started to rain a few minutes before I arrived, leaving me soaked on the blackened doorstep, not a light on in sight. I half-heartedly pounded on the door, praying someone would answer. Thankfully they did, the only person I knew would even be here. I hadn’t noticed myself crying until my voice cracked when I spoke. “They left me, they hate me, I’ve got no place to go, we really were Broken.” I sobbed, glancing up at my childhood friend. He looked down at me with his cocky sideways smile, pity in his eyes but drugs in his veins. He opened his arms wide and embraced me tightly, pulling me in out of the rain. “Help me Nikki.” I whispered hopelessly into his chest. “I’ve got just the thing for you.” He assured like an angel scaring away the demons that chased me. He picked me up in his arms and shut the door, carrying me deep into his dark nest. I felt a sudden urge of fear as I glanced around into darkness, vaguely noticing doors and chairs in the pitch-black house. Thunder cackled mockingly outside as I clung to him, my fear and my savior. I gave into my self pity and let go of my fear with a sigh. Moments later I felt a needle plunge into my arm, and the world became blurry around me.
Like I was saying, this day would be different than the others. We were at Rocky’s house to practice, his perfect little girlfriend bringing us drinks from time to time. More than once I noticed myself staring at the mountains far off in the horizon, wishing to be with Nikki. I wasn’t sure which I was addicted to; him or the drugs. I used to think it was him…I always thought it was him. Now I wasn’t so sure. All I knew was I’d rather be holed up in Van Nuys than practicing 4-year-old songs with these losers. That’s when something unexpected happened.
Rocky’s practice room was a giant room with windows on 3 out of 4 walls, visible to the outside but so that nobody could see in. It was an inspiring place to be, to let nature flow through your veins as your fingers graced a fretboard. But then again, was this really about the music anymore? Did we really ever love the music, or each other? Was Nikki really right, those few years ago, when he said we really were “Broken”? My eyes were passing over the sunlight reflecting off distant water when Jake was beside me. “Hey.” He whispered, glancing at me but pretending to follow my gaze. My fingers twitched as they flowed over my guitar’s neck, not playing anything, just anxious to be moving. I wondered why he whispered, since Rocky was in another room and Austin had headphones on.
I acknowledged him as I usually did, with a slight nod in his direction but ignoring him. He whispered once more. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but the guys were thinking of kicking you out.” For the first time ever, I was surprised, and my head whipped around to face him. “Does Eddy know?” I asked incredulously. Eddy was our manager. He shook his head no. “But listen Sam, I was thinking that you and I could ditch these guys. Start our own band, get away together.” I stared at him, not quite comprehending what he was saying. He sighed, used to my usual silence. “I guess what I mean to say is I want you Sami, I always have, but that can never happen while we’re with these guys. Let’s leave LA and do our own thing, we could be much bigger than ‘Broken’ ever was, and do it on our own.”
I finally saw what he was saying. He wanted me to leave Broken, the band that I founded and poured my soul into, wanted me to leave Nikki and my home. The nail in the coffin about all this was that Rocky and Austin probably really were sick of me too. And deep down I knew Jake hated me, if he really did want me he only wanted me away from Nikki, away from distractions. I wasn’t sure what to do as I stood there pondering all this. Somehow I knew it all along but I never wanted to admit it. I would never give in to the inevitable. Is this why I was attracted to Motley? Besides the partying, drugs, and straight up fun, they were a family, something I desperately wanted. I noticed my right hand slowly curling into a fist as I realized everything I so strongly wanted to avoid. “Sam?” Jake asked, a worried look on his face. Now that his secret was out he was starting to act all lovey, his eyes glowing with emotion. The past few years flashed before my eyes, all of the concerts, the fighting, the ways we all looked at each other, every time I tried to run away and hide. Then I did the only thing I knew to do, I punched Jake square between his eyes and watched with emotionless content as he fell to the floor.
Within seconds Austin was behind me, not sure whether I needed protecting or Jake did. I glared at the blonde, suddenly realizing how much I despised him as well. His mud-colored eyes betrayed his shy and useless personality. He was a better match for Jake than I ever was, he always had been. He could put up with his friend’s shit in silence and never dispute it. As Austin noticed my deepening glare he shied away behind Jake, helping his friend off the floor. An assault of cursing ensued as Rocky came into the room.
“What in the hell was that for?!” Jake roared, clutching his bleeding nose, Austin close by. “I’m sick of you!” I retorted, biting each word as it left my mouth. A few loose strands of hair obscured my blazing blue gaze. “What did I ever do to you, what did WE ever do to you, Sami?” He said quietly. I closed my eyes briefly and looked away, out my window towards my paradise beyond this place. “You were never my family.” I said simply. Rocky was standing back, observing quietly. “Sami, that’s not true.” Austin offered, but I shook my head. “The only reason you kept me in this stupid group was because I AM the group, I write every song, I create every lyric. But when I want to do something that’s not group-related, it’s the end of the world. So what if I like hanging out with another band? We’re supposed to be about the music, not jealousy like Jake wants to think. We can never agree on anything, and I’m done.”
I saw Austin give a worried glance at Jake, who was furiously silent. Rocky heaved a sigh beside me. “Do what you want, Sami.” The bassist said. “But once you leave, there’s no coming back.” I stepped away from them, away from the only ‘family’ I had known for the past 5 years of my life. I saw each in turn; Rocky’s calm demeanor and hidden green eyes, always silent, always observing. Jake’s angry and jealous glare, his Black Sabbath-appearance, his hyper personality running faster than the beat of his drums. Austin glancing curiously between me and Jake, shy, afraid. I always thought something was off about him. Then I looked at the group as a whole, and saw not my family, but my enemies. I had written their music, gotten them famous, and I was given nothing but grief in return. I shook my head in a futile attempt to clear my thoughts. “Fuck you.” I said in a barely audible tone, and turned on my heels out the door.
I walked for hours, not sure where I was going, or what I was doing. When I finally lifted my head up I noticed that it was extremely dark out. I also noticed I was close to Van Nuys. I headed in the only direction I wanted to go, home. Not my home, but my heart’s home. Like it or not there was only one place I wanted to be. It started to rain a few minutes before I arrived, leaving me soaked on the blackened doorstep, not a light on in sight. I half-heartedly pounded on the door, praying someone would answer. Thankfully they did, the only person I knew would even be here. I hadn’t noticed myself crying until my voice cracked when I spoke. “They left me, they hate me, I’ve got no place to go, we really were Broken.” I sobbed, glancing up at my childhood friend. He looked down at me with his cocky sideways smile, pity in his eyes but drugs in his veins. He opened his arms wide and embraced me tightly, pulling me in out of the rain. “Help me Nikki.” I whispered hopelessly into his chest. “I’ve got just the thing for you.” He assured like an angel scaring away the demons that chased me. He picked me up in his arms and shut the door, carrying me deep into his dark nest. I felt a sudden urge of fear as I glanced around into darkness, vaguely noticing doors and chairs in the pitch-black house. Thunder cackled mockingly outside as I clung to him, my fear and my savior. I gave into my self pity and let go of my fear with a sigh. Moments later I felt a needle plunge into my arm, and the world became blurry around me.