Blighted Soul

“I brought you something,” he says with a grin on his face. We’re seated on one of the many sofas that make up the visiting section of the rehab center. It’s quite convincing as far as rehab goes. You’d really think that you were at home in your living room if it weren’t for the uniformed people reminding you that your time is almost up. The walls are painted olive green to compliment the burgundy furniture, and adorned with paintings.

Caleb’s visits usually cheered me up, but between the twice a week phone calls and weekly visits, I’d had a lot of time to think. I try to bring myself to be excited, but I can only pull off a meek smile. “What is it?”

“Close your eyes,” he says gently. I do as he says. I can feel his fingers playing around my wrist. When I open my eyes again, I’m staring at a badly braided bracelet. It’s rough around the edges, with multicolored thread sticking out at odd places. I can’t help but laugh. It was so Caleb. Sweet, and caring, and everything that I didn’t deserve.

My smile drops instantly, but he doesn’t notice. I keep my eyes trained on the bracelet, fingering the loose thread. “Did you make this yourself?” I ask, trying my best to keep my voice light.

“Laugh all you want,” he says with a grin, “My mom wants to have some sort of ‘family activity’ so I've been learning to make this crap. I know it’s terrible, but I want you to have it anyways.”

I grasp his face in my hand, shaking my head softly. “It’s not terrible. It just has…character.”
Caleb rolls his eyes. “If you hate it, you can just say so.”

I shake my head. “No, I love it. Just like I love you.”

Caleb doesn’t miss the way my eyes flit away from him as I speak. He takes my hand away from his face, holding it between us. “What is it?” He asks with concern. I guess him not noticing my off mood could only last for so long.

“What do you mean?” I ask innocently. He sighs.

“There’s something wrong with you. You just don’t want to say it. Did I do something?”

“God, no!” I blurt without thinking. “It’s me.”

His eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean ‘it’s you’?”

“I mean how can you still love me?” My voice sounds strange to my own ears; high pitched and whiny. Caleb only looks more confused. He lets out a shaky laugh, as if he doesn’t quite understand.

“I’ll always love you.”

“But how can you? After everything I’ve done to you? What I’ve put you through…You shouldn’t even want to be around me.”

“But I do,” he says fervently. “And I forgive you for all that stuff. Isn’t that enough for you to be able to forgive yourself?”

“I wish it was,” I say grimly. I stand up, wrapping my arms tightly around myself. “I should go. I have a session.”

“But we still have ten minutes left…” Caleb says.

“I know,” I say, “Better early than late, right?”

I can feel his eyes on my retreating back, but I keep walking.