About a Girl

People say that when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. That in the last moments before death comes knocking, every memory you ever had suddenly becomes real. Like you're watching a movie starring you. I used to think that whoever said that was smoking some good fucking weed. And now, I lay here on my death bed thinking, no remembering, of all the shit that I've done in my life. Some things I'm not too proud of. Some things make me grin from ear to ear. Nonetheless, they're memories that I'll never forget, even in death.

"What are you thinking about?"

I look to see my fiancé, Jarno, staring down at me. Tears were still streaming down his pale cheeks and his grip on my hand seemed to tighten by the minute. I reached out a shaky hand towards his face. It was so hard to move. My whole body seemed to be covered in pins and needles. Jarno saw me wince at the pain. He tried pushing my hand away, but I pressed on. "Please don't cry," I said softly as I brushed a few tears away.

He snorted, "You're the one in pain and you're trying to comfort me." I just smiled at him. "What were you thinking about?"

"Life."

"What about it?" He leaned into my hand closing his eyes.

"You know when they say you're about to die-"

"Your life flashes before your eyes," he finished for me.

I nodded my head.

"But you're not dying," he kissed my hand before putting it back down by my side.

My heart shattered at what he said. It was as if death himself ripped my heart out and was toying with it. I didn't know what to say to him. The truth was as plain as day. The doctors knew it, the nurses knew it, my bandmates knew it, I knew it. This stupid bullet in my chest knew it. Doctors said I had an hour at best. The fact that I was still breathing is an absolute miracle.

"Tell me," Jarno said snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Huh," I said confused.

"Tell me your life," he said looking deep into my eyes.

"I don't know where to start."

"Your childhood."

"My childhood wasn't very good. To be honest, I tried blocking out that part of my life," I muttered looking down at the IV in my arm.

"You don't have to tell me everything. How 'bout a favorite memory."

I looked up to see his icy blues staring into my dull browns. I closed my eyes and tried to remember something good that happened in my childhood. Memories of fighting non-stop with my brother, of how my mother dressed me like a slutty barbie doll. All things I so desperately tried to forget. Then I remembered about my dad.

"One time, when I was like seven, I got a real bad earache."

Jarno was looking at me weird. "I said a good memory," he laughed.

"It is, just let me continue."

He nodded before kissing my forehead. I just smiled.

"I was staying at my grandmas and I kept crying for my dad. So they called him up and he took me to his apartment."

Flashback

"Daddy it hurts," I kept whining.

"I know sweety. I promise I'll make it go away," he tried to calm me. He took me into the kitchen and got some newspaper and a lighter.

"Daddy," I said worried, "What are you gonna do?"

"Relax sweety, your grandma used to do this to me too." He rolled the newsaper into a cone shape and placed the pointy end of the cone into my ear. Then he lit the newspaper on fire and let the newsaper burn. I was so scared that my hair was gonna catch on fire. I was shaking so much, I was so scared.

"There, all done," he said throwing the newspaper into the sink. "How does your ear feel?"

I stopped shaking and noticed my earache had stopped. I squealed and hugged my dad, "Thank you daddy."

"We could use that on our kids one day"

I looked to Jarno. I felt like I was gonna throw up. Tears were threating to fall out. I would not let them fall out. Not now.

"Continue on," he said.

I squeezed his hand before continuing on.

"Now what we do daddy."

He pondered for a moment, "You want to see Halloween?"

"YES, YES, YES!" He just laughed at my enthusiasm. Ever since I was a baby I've been watching horror movies. I loved them and they paid a great contribute to why I was considered so weird in school. When all the girls my age obsessed over Cinderella or barbies, I was obsessed over Michael Myers or vampires.

"You're not weird." I laughed as he snuggled his nose into the crook of my neck.

"For my age and where I was living, I was the poster child for freaks. Everyone in school thought I was so weird. Reading and watching horror movies, it wasn't natural."

"But it's what makes you you."

"I love you."

"I love you more. Now, continue on."

"There's really nothing else. The rest of the night we spent watching horror movies old and new and making cupcakes. It was one of the best nights of my life," I smiled.

"Your dad seemed really cool," Jarno commented.

"He's the reason I'm the way I I'm. I loved him so much."

"I wish I could've met him.." he paused for a moment, "So I could thank him for creating such a wonderful person."

"Me too."

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened to him."

I felt myself choke. My dad's death was such a touchy subject. He died too early. His death was not supposed to happen. He was suppose to live longer than me.

"Not now," I shook my head, "I'll tell you, I promise. Just, not now."

"We have the rest of our lives," he said kissing me softly on the lips as he ran his hand through my brown and fading blue hair. He was killing me with those comments. If he kept talking like that, I just don't know how much of it I can take.