About a Girl

I was currently sitting between Adam and Emil with a beer in my right hand and a cigarette in my left. We were watching Alex and Erik debate over Black Metal and Death Metal. At first it was very intriguing. I never knew anyone besides Adam who I could have an actual conversation with about music. And even then Adam and I didn't have the exact same taste in music, so it never lasted long. The first ten minutes were interesting, but after the ten minute mark they got boring. So I was currently asking Adam about the camping trip that he just came back from.

"Oh god, my family is seriously fucking psycho. They made me eat bark. Bark for Christ's sake," he said with wide eyes and an exasperated voice.

I was having a fun time watching him bitch and moan about his family. I felt a little bad for him, but at least he had a family that would do shit together. Even if it was eating bark.

When Alex and Erik finally decided Swedish metal beat all, they celebrated with a hug and a beer. When they sat down there was a moment of awkward silence. There have been a lot of these moments since McDonald's. It was really making me on nerve and paranoid. Did I do something wrong?

You fell for it again.

They pretended to be nice to you.

They're just gonna laugh at you in the end.

I shook my head as if shaking it would get rid of the voice. It never did, so I called out for another beer instead. The beer was starting to taste good. It was starting to become my new favorite thing. God kill me.
************************************
The show went off without a hitch. Everything sounded good, the audience was great, and I had fun messing with Erik and Emil. Alex thanked the crowd and we ran off the stage rushing back to the dressing room. Before the show Alex had made an announcement that after the show, he was gonna make a bigger announcement and everyone had to be present. And Alex stressed the word everyone, looking directly at me. Again, I was paranoid as fuck.

"Like last night, what a fucking amazing show," Alex started. "Chels," he said turning to me, "We are all eternally grateful for you agreeing to play with us on such short notice." He gave me a big sweaty hug. "And with that in my mind, we all have a question that we've been burning to ask."

I looked at him weirdly. I saw that everyone's eyes were on me, but I was too drunk to care. Instead I was more focused on where Alex was leading this conversation.

"Chelsea, on behalf of the band, I am inviting you to join our band as a permanent member."

Time had frozen and my mind was ready to explode. Did he really just say what I thought he said? No, he was just fucking kidding with me. I was still dizzy from the beer I had on stage, but this was enough to make me want to throw up. They had to be kidding, I knew they were kidding. This was just some sick joke. They were gonna get my hopes up and then they'll spit them out in a gutter filled with vomit.

"Chelsea!" Someone's screaming my name. Why do they sound so far away? "Chelsea fucking calm down."

"What!?" I looked up to see Adam holding me in his arms. "Wh-what happened? Why am I on the floor?!"

No one answered me. Adam just brought me closer to him. I was still confused. After a few minutes of him holding me he finally pulled away.

"What happened?" I asked again.

"You started freaking out. You were shaking and stuttering like crazy," Adam cried out. "You fucking scared me." He brought me into another hug.

I looked over Adam's shoulder to see everyone staring at me with concern. Then it all came back to me like a freight train. I was close to freaking out again, but I managed to calm myself down before anything happened. Please, someone give me a fucking drink.

After Adam felt that he was done hugging me he helped me up. I couldn't look at the others. I was too ashamed of myself letting them see me like that.

"I-I," I didn't know what to say to them. I couldn't do this. It was impossible. Why would they even consider me for something so big as that? Do not realize that I'm a borderline schizophrenic. After putting myself down I finally managed to form some sentences. "G-Guys, I-I'm really grateful that y'all would consider me for such a position, but I'm sorry, I can't do it."

"What? Why?" Erik shrieked.

"You're perfect for this band," Emil chimed in.

They're bating you.

They're just telling you lies.

I tried to ignore the voices, but they were so loud. I gripped my head as I looked back up at the others. "I would love to be apart of y'all's band, but I can't."

"Why not? If you'd love to, then why not join," Bo questioned.

"I'm not mentally stable to be in a fucking band," I screamed. "Did y'all not just see what happened a few moments ago. And that was just from a fucking question. Must I remind y'all of the fucking restaurant incident. And if y'all haven't notice by now, I'm only fucking sixteen." I can't believe I just screamed at them like that. I can't believe I just said all that.

"We know," Alex said simply. He was just staring at me. Just staring.

"What do you mean, 'you know,'" I eyed him.

"We know that not all you screws are screwed on tight. We know that you were at least under eighteen. And we also know that being in a band is the only thing you want to do in life. We also know that music is the only thing that gives you a reason to live."

"I-I...uh...How would you know all that." That's when I felt someone squeeze my hand. It was Adam and he tensed up. My eyes widened, "You told them. Bu-but how?" I felt betrayed. Why would they all go behind my back?

"Would y'all excuse us for a few," Adam said to the others as he dragged me outside.

"Explain, now." Adam and I hardly ever fought. Now even when we were little. We'd have a heated discussion over a band, but nothing ever serious.

"First and foremost, I'm sorry. I know that I've betrayed your trust and I'll probably never get it back, but I did it for you." His eyes were glossy.

"Please don't cry, cause then you'll make me cry and I'll hit you." I could never be mad at him. No matter how bad he screwed up, I'll always care about him. "How did Alex know all that?"

"He called me the night you got wasted." I was confused now.

"Wh-,"

"Let me finish, please."

I nodded my head at him.

"After getting to know you and after the show, he knew he wanted you to be in the band. So when everyone was knocked out he took your phone and called me. We discussed some of your past.."

My eyes widened when he said they discussed my past.

"Don't worry, we didn't go too deep into that."

I still didn't feel too good about Alex knowing something about me that I didn't tell him.

"But what we mostly discussed was how you joining this band would be the best decision both of y'all could make."

"Adam.." it hurt me so much to say this, "..you know that all I've ever wanted to do was play music. To be onstage and feel that rush that only music gives, but I'm only 16. I can't just get up and go with them. I've only known these guys for two days. Two fucking days, how you can even imagine leaving me with them. There's repercussions for this type of shit and I can't just leave home." By now my voice was very shrill and I was on the verge of tears.

"Do you realize what you just said?"

"What did I say?''

"You just called that place home. The same place you've called hell since you could talk. The same place where you vowed to leave as soon as an opportunity came. Well, here's your opportunity and your just gonna let it pass by? Why? Because you're too young? Because you're too crazy? Or is it because you're just too fucking scared. Too fucking scared to move on and live life without a bottle bills."

Ouch. That hurt. I moved to lean against a wall and sat on the pavement. My head was hurting so much. I just wanted a joint or even a beer. Just something to relax my nerves. Was that too much to ask for?

Adam walked over to me and sat beside me. He grabbed my hand and held it in his lap. "I know that was harsh and I know that you're scared, but you can't keep hiding behind the bottle."

He was right, but it was too hard. Two days without any pills and I resorted to drinking. I need them.

"Alex and I discussed this long and hard and we both want you in the band. If you don't go I know you're gonna regret it and you are gonna do something stupid if you don't join."

Why did he know me so well?

"How are we gonna do it. My ma's gonna notice when I stop going to school and she'll get suspicious." I wasn't gonna fight any more. I knew I wasn't gonna win, no matter how much I tried. I was joining this band whether I liked it or not. "And what about my things at home. My Cd's, my instruments, my books. And what about clothes, I don-,"

Adam slapped a hand over my mouth. "Relax," he laughed, "I have it all covered." He moved his hand from my mouth. "You okay now?"

"So, you ate bark?"