About a Girl

Unhappy girl
Left all alone
Playing solitaire
Playing warden to your soul
You are locked in a prison
Of your own devise

I was laying in my bed face first as my dad sat beside me. It was the first day of middle school and I was sent home early because of a panic attack.

And you can't believe
What it does to me
To see you
Crying

He was trying to comfort me by singing a song from my favorite band, The Doors. It was lunch and I tried to sneak off so I wouldn't have to sit in the cafeteria. Too many people for comfort. The library was closed so I couldn't go there. I managed to sneak past the student down a empty hall, but a teacher caught me and sent me to the cafeteria.

Unhappy girl
Tear your web away
Saw through all your bars
Melt your cell today

She thrust me in the cafeteria and I tripped over my feet, but somehow managed to stay up. I looked around wide eye trying to see if anyone saw me. Straining my eyes to see if someone was giggling behind their hands. They were too engrossed in whatever pointless conversation they were having. I felt so lucky, but I still felt like someone saw my stumble. I felt like all eyes were on me. I immediately looked to the ground and tried to make my way to the back of the cafeteria.

You are caught in a prison
Of your own devise

Somewhere along my trek from the entrance of the cafeteria to the back I passed the table that held the 'cool people'. I heard them snickering in their little huddled group. What were they laughing at. Was my hair out of place? Was I walking funny? Why must I feel like this?

"Hey freak." I stopped in my tracks but kept my head down. Were they calling to me? No. They couldn't be. "Hey freak I'm talking to you." Oh god they're talking to me. I slowly turn around. Don't turn around you idiot. My eyes met their scrutinizing ones. 'What grade are you?" spoke a guy who looked to be two years older. I could feel my hands tremble by my side as my legs turned into jelly. "Cat got your tongue," he laughed. I could feel my chest constrict as my throat tightened. I couldn't breathe. "I asked," he started as he stood up and began walking towards me, "What grade are you in." He stood in front of me my face directly in front of his chest. He seriously still can't be in middle school. "Are you fucking death or something." He took a step closer to me and I instinctively took a step back. All of the sudden my foot caught onto something and I went tumbling backwards.

Everything seemed to go in slow motion. I felt myself fall back. I saw the smirk that the guy in front of me had plastered on his face. I caught a glimpse at the people behind him laughing. I felt my back collide with someone else before I hit the floor. There was something wet on the front of my shirt. I laid on the ground too shocked and hurt to move. I could hear the laughter fill my ears. I heard the names and teases as a crowd surrounded me. I didn't dare open my eyes, but I could feel the feet that stood by my head.

"Freak."

I woke up in my bed to my dad softly humming some random tune. His hand ran through the top of my head. When he felt me stir beneath his hand he smiled down at me. He didn't say anything, nothing needed to be said. He just immediately began to sing.

Unhappy girl
Fly fast away
Don't miss your chance
To swim in mystery
You are dying in a prison
Of your own device

"I have a surprise for you," he spoke softly as he finished that last few lyrics of the song. I nodded my head a little to indicate that I heard him. "I was gonna save it for you birthday in a few weeks," I forgot my birthday was coming up, "But I think now is a better time than ever," he finished as he dug something out his pocket. I slowly sat up and leaned my back against the wall. He held out his hand to me and I saw something white on his palm. "Vicodin," he said as I stared at the pill. "Remember when I told you about the story of the hospital." I nodded my head. "This is one of the pills the doctor gave me to feel happy. They'll make you happy too." He placed the pill in my hand and handed me a glass of water. "It's just like your Advil, but this makes you feel happy and takes away your headaches."

I stared down at the pill in my hand. A pill that makes me happy. I smiled at the thought. I took the pill and downed it with some water. I looked at my dad with a small smile on my face. But it quickly went away when I saw my dad frowning. "I'm better daddy."

"I don't know what to do anymore Chelsea. I can't always be there to help you."

"But I'm better daddy and you'll always be here to help me."

"I don't know how to help you." I saw a tear roll down his cheek. It hurt me so much to see my dad cry. He was always strong and always told me that crying was for the weak. We don't cry.

"But you already helped me. Please don't cry. See, I'm not crying."

"I don't know how to help. I don't know what to do. I'm useless." He was pacing back and forth as his hands scratched at his head.

"Daddy you're not useless."

"I'm a terrible father. I can't even protect you." I stood up from the bed and walked to my dad. I tried to hug him but he pushed me. I landed back on the bed and I felt tears start to build up. "Fuck! See, I'm a terrible father." He left my room in a panic and I quickly followed him. He walked into his room and into his closet. I called after him telling him to stop. He pulled out a box.

"Daddy please stop." I was sobbing by this point. I watched as he pulled out a shiny metal gun. A .45 pistol as he would say. "Daddy please stop," I sobbed again. He pressed the gun against his temple.

"I love you."

"DADDY!"

"Chelsea calm down!" My eyes snapped open. I felt someone shaking me as I tried to regain my breath. I felt like I've been choking underwater. My eyes were clouded by tears and my forehead drenched in sweat. "Chelsea please say something!" I felt someone scream in my ear.

"Daddy," I whispered to myself.

"Shhh, just relax." It was Erik who was talking to me. He was holding me too. What happened? Where am I? "Can you hear me?" Was he talking to me? "Chelsea can you hear me?" He pulled away from me as he looked down at me. He was cradling me in his lap.

"What happened?" I croaked out. He just pulled me closer to him as his gripped tightened around me. "What happened?" I repeated.

"Are you okay," I heard Alex's voice. I didn't notice him sitting off to the side. The others were beside him too. Why were they so far away. "Adam said that after a panic attack it's best if we don't crowd around you."

"I had a panic attack?"

"Do you remember anything about last night." I tried to remember last night. I remember feeling really at bliss one second and then terrified the next, but I don't remember why. I shook my head.

"What happened?"

"We need you to be calm and cool before we tell you anything Chelsea. We don't want another attack to happen." I was scared now. What did I do last night?

"Chelsea you need to stay relaxed," Erik whispered against me ear. I felt myself tense in his arms. He was still holding me.

"Can you put me down please." I saw the hurt flash through his eyes at my request as his arms loosened around me. I got off his lap and on the couch. I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I took three deep breaths as I tried to clear my head. Once I felt calm enough I told the guys to carry on.

Alex told me how sometime during the night I wandered outside alone to have a smoke. While outside some guy, who is now in jail, tried to have his way with me. I felt myself shiver in disgust at the thought of that creep. I remembered the touch of his grimy hands under my shirt and his slimy lips on my neck. I wanted to vomit, but I held it in. I felt like an idiot for going outside alone in New York all by myself.

"Chelsea don't blame yourself for what happened. It's not like you could have known what was gonna happen."

"But I'm smarter than that. My dad taught me better than that." My dad. I felt myself choke as my dream came rushing back to my head.

"Chelsea it's not your fault, but we have some rules for you to follow."

"Rules?"

"You're still a minor and that means that you're our responsibility now."

"I can take care of myself," I snapped.

"You sure as hell proved that last night," he snapped back. I lowered my head into my knees. There I go again getting all pissy when all they're trying to do is help. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap, but fuck, you fucking scared us last night."

I felt bad. I'm nothing but a burden to them. "I"m sorry. What are these rules."

"For now on whenever we go somewhere you will always have one of us by your side. If you're going outside to smoke, you tell one of us and we're going with you. You have to use the bathroom, tell Astrid or Flip and they'll go with you. One of us should always be by your side at all times. Got it." I nodded my head.

"Your drug intake, I want you to tell either me or Bo how much you've taken and what you've taken." I frowned at this but still nodded my head.

"Any more?" I tried my hardest not sound annoyed.

"For now, no, but don't think these rules will go neglected. Break them and there will be consequences. Now go get some sleep."