About a Girl

The ride back to the venue was awkward. Everyone tried to act like nothing happened, but the tension in the air was thick. Alex had said for me to sit in the front with him while Astrid sat in the middle with Emil and Erik. I felt bad, but she didn't seem to mind. It still didn't settle my worries. When we made it back to the venue everyone quickly went inside to the backstage area. I decided to stay outside a little longer, just to clear my mind.

As I stood I noticed the sun was shining right over me.Why did it have to be so bright outside. The stupid sun made me squint as I looked up at the sky. And it was so loud too as the cars rushed up and down the street. I crouched down as I put me head between my knees to block out everything. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even hear anyone come outside. I didn't even notice them stand next to me. It wasn't until they poked me that I noticed their presence.

"Hey," Erik said quietly.

I slowly stood up. I couldn't look him in the eyes. Partly because I was still squinting, but also because I felt too embarrassed about earlier.

"Can you please look at me?" He sounded desperate.

I looked up at him. He looked guilty.

"I'm really sorry about the last few...incidents. I didn't mean to make you feel so uncomfortable. I was just kidding. Y'know, playing around."

I nodded my head. I knew he was playing around, but...I can't explain it. My brain saw it as something else.

"I know that sometimes I come on a little too strong, but that's just because I really like you." His eyes widened when he said that. "Wait..not like that. I mean..I like you, but not like that. Not that I wouldn't ever think about you like that because you're really cool and-"

"Can you stop," I said quietly.

"Wait Chels, let me-" He was panicking. It was funny.

"I know what you mean," I smiled. "And I forgive you."

He was red now. He let a big breath of relief when he saw that I was smiling at him. "Hug?" he said as he outstretched his arms.

I nodded. He pulled me into a hug as I placed my arms around my chest. Everything felt better now.

***************************************************************
We were all currently sitting in our own dressing room while the first band of the night was doing their soundcheck. They were all joking around and I was silently listening to them. I was never good with conversation. I'd usually let the other person speak non stop occasionally putting in my own input every once in awhile. Bo was sitting next to me while Flip sat in his lap.

My knees were bouncing non stop. I was really jittery and I didn't know why. I couldn't tell if it was just nerves or if I was really hyper. My attention was focused on the bass case that I saw in the corner of the van last night. I was wondering why it was there to begin with. It's not like they had a bass player. So why would they take it out? It was confusing the hell out of me. Oh, and not to mention, I was having a killer headache.

"Hey, how much sugar have you had? Bo asked me.

"Huh?" I was confused.

"You keep shaking and bouncing. Are you okay? he asked with a worried look.

That's when I realized what's wrong with me. I was having withdrawal symptoms from my pills. The headaches, extreme sensitivity to the lights and sound, and the constant restlessness. If I didn't take a pill soon I may just have a fucking panic attack. I needed something to calm me down, but I couldn't ask them. I know I was stupid to try and hide from them. I mean..they've probably had their fair share of drugs, but I felt ashamed. I needed to distract myself.

"Why did ya'll bring the bass down?"

"Oi, who brought the bass down?" Bo shouted. No one answered. "Wanna take a look at it," he asked.

"Uh.."

"Yes!" He answered for me. "Ok! Erik, get the bass for Chel."

Erik sprung from his seat and went over to the bass case. He opened it and brought out a beauty.

"Oh my god. Is that a Goth Thunderbird IV," I said excitedly.

"You like," Erik smirked as he handed it to me.

My eyes were wide. It was an absolute beauty. "Fuck yeah I like. I've always wanted a Thunderbird. Did he really just leave it with y'all?" I said referring to their old bassist.

"Like I said," Alex pointed out, "He was a prick and didn't care about music."

I held the bass like it was the holy grail. The last time I felt like this with an instrument was when Adam took me to a piano shop and there was this beautiful grand piano that was just perfect.

"Give it a try," Emil said snapping me out of my thoughts.

I noticed they were all staring at me. I felt nervous, but at the same time I didn't care. This was my element and I always felt comfortable in my element. I closed my eyes as I first ran my fingers over each of the strings. The G was out of tune and I made a face. The guys laughed at me.

"You want a tuner?" Bo offered.

"No, I got it." The thing about dedicating all my time to music has it' advantages. I had a pretty good ear and usually didn't need a tuner, but it never hurt to have one. Once I finished tuning it, I placed my left hand on the neck. It was a little hard to get comfortable. I usually played left-handed basses and this was a right-handed bass.

"Something wrong," Alex asked. I guess they saw my discomfort.

"No, i'm just used to left-handed basses."

"You're left handed," Erik said shocked.

"Yeah," I laughed. "But, it's okay. I started on right-handed basses, so I'm used to it."

I focused all my attention back on the bass in my hands. I thought for a minute on what I should play. I knew so many songs, but I seemed to have forgotten them all. Now I was beginning to panic. I felt they're stares. What if I fuck up and make a fool of myself. Then they're all gonna laugh at me. "Fuck, get a hold of your self," I mentally screamed.

I need to calm down. I tried to think of all the music that made me feel like I didn't need a joint to be high. That made me feel like everything was alright in the world. And that's when it came to me. Tool. One of my favorite bands when I was a kid. And then it hit me, Schism. The perfect song to play on bass. It wasn't much, but the intro was killer and just sounded so amazing. I took a deep breath and started with the guitar intro that I learned on bass. Then I went into the bass line that made the song so distinguishable.

I was so lost in my playing, that I didn't even realize Bo had set a beat with his sticks on the little table in front of us. So lost, that I didn't even realize that Erik and Emil had grabbed their guitars and started playing along. So lost, I didn't even realize anything until I heard Alex start screaming out the lyrics. They were all playing the along with me.

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance

I smiled as I heard Alex sing the lyrics. His voice was so deep and mesmerizing. We all continued to play till the end of the song. I couldn't help but smile as Flip and Astrid started clapping. I haven't felt this happy in years.