Saving Grace

As the burnette walked into the bathroom, she let out a soft sigh. Today had tested her strength. It had been a rough day. Days were either good or bad for her. That was how depression was. There were more rough days than good, but the bad ones were always hard.

A part of her had wished that her mother knew about her depression. Wished that she knew the things going through her mind, the things she struggled with each and every day. That part of her, thought it would be so much easier to explain why she had been so angry and bitter one moment, and then quiet and just singing to music, ignoring her mom. But the rest of her, the part that overpowered her mind and heart thought that was absurd. It said that if she did that, then she would get sent to a shrink, or worse, an institution. She wasn't crazy. She was just ugly and worthless, and was deserving of feeling guilty and horrible about herself. The rest of her mind told her that her parents wouldn't care. They wouldn't love her anymore - not that they do anyway, but now they wouldn't try to act so - and laugh at her. Or they would think she was grasping for attention and look at her with disgust.

That part of her mind always won.

The girl walked over to the shower, turning the knob to the hottest temperature and stepped back to remove her clothes. She slid off her skinny jeans and grey shirt and glanced into the mirror. Her green eyes stared back at her, and she slowly looked down at the reflection in the mirror, looking at the fat on her stomach. She placed her hands there, gripping the fat a bit, and she shook her head. She glanced lower, seeing her jiggy thighs that rubbed together stiffly when she stepped. She raised her eyes as she raised her arms, and took note of the flabby flesh hanging off her arms. She shook her head again in disgust, and brought her eyes back to her face, dropping her arms.

She was appalled, when she looked right into her very own eyes, and saw the pain there. Those green orbs held pain and sadness and looked as if they'd witnessed something terrible. She saw as they filled with tears, tears over the day's pain and hardship. She saw the girl in the reflection's face crumple with pain as a tear threatened to spill over.

She never saw if the girl shed that tear, for the mirror was covered completely with steam.

The burnette sucked in a breath and finished undressing, stepping into the hot water and letting it pour around her. She turned the knob a smidge, turning the temperature down a few degrees.

After standing under the water for a few moments, she remembered a friend's advice and folded her hands together. She leaned against the shower wall, and closed her eyes. And she prayed.

She cried as she prayed, those tears finally falling from her eyes. She prayed for a while, mostly repeating herself. She spoke of how she needed the strength, the courage to make it out of the big, black, lonely hole of depression she was in, falling deeper and deeper. She told of how she needed this, wanted to get better, for she hadn't a clue how much longer she could hold it together, how much longer she would last until she lost herself in the darkness.

And she did loose it. Sooner than she thought she would.

A few minutes later, her inner demons tore at her mind. They spoke dirty words into her ears, thew insults she had heard before - though coming from other's mouths instead of her own mind. Soon, the urge to hurt herself arose. She'd battled this urge before, but it was strong, and she was already so weak. The thought of tearing at her flesh with her nails flashed in her mind, and before she knew it, it was happening.

The girl dug her nails deep into the skin of her arm, creating long red marks. She slashed and dug and twisted with her nails until finally she stopped, the urge receeded. She looked at her arm, all the redness and she suddenly felt guilt. Guilt so strong, she looked away and breathed heavily for a few moments.

She quickly washed her hair and shut off the water, wrapping a towel around her hair and body quickly. She took a deep breath, and felt fear as she opened the bathroom door. Her mother was sitting in the living room, which had a clear view of the space between the bathroom door and the girl's bedroom. She hoped her mother couldn't notice her arm in the distance. She held it close to her chest as she smoothly slipped into her bedroom, succeeding in not having to face her mother.

She thought of putting on a long sleeved shirt, just for the night, but thought of how to explain that in the summertime. She glanced at her arm, and saw it had just slightly began to return to its normal pale color. She noticed now, some spots where the skin had just about broken and had a bit of bleeding under the thin layer of skin left.

The dressed, in a short sleeved shirt and pajama shorts and slid by her mother into the kitchen. She played on her phone to distract herself from her thoughts and the guilt eating at her stomach.

She stayed up late that night (as she always did, for she could never sleep anymore), reading and thinking, and hoping.