Thought That We Were Stronger

The roaring conflagration was like a beacon against the dark backdrop of Cape Cod's summer night. A medium sized group of students from Boston College stood and sat scattered near the bonfire. With summer coming to a close and many of them having graduated that past june, the casual get-together was a final hurrah before they set out into the real world.

Dressed in a simple pair of dark wash jeans, a beige v-neck, and a maroon cardigan, Lucy Rutherford stood with a group of three girls. She wasn't particularly close to any of them, but was never one to pass up conversation or socializing. She sipped at a bottle of water and tried to remember whether or not the girl who was currently talking had been in her freshman psychology class.

"So, you know that guy Jimmy Hayes?"

Lucy's eyes flashed. Now the mystery girl had her full attention.

"Wasn't he the one who left a while ago to do some sort of hockey thing?" One of the others spoke up.

The first girl nodded and continued, "Did you hear that he was picked up by the Chicago Blackhawks? He's gonna be a professional hockey player."

The blonde standing across from her pointed to somewhere behind Lucy's back. "Woah, there he is right now."

Cautiously, like it might make him go away, she turned her head and peered over her shoulder. Sure enough, there he was. All six-feet-six-inches of him towered over everyone on the beach, and the sound of his friendly laughter made a few people turn his way. Her stomach dropped and churned heavily, threatening to upheave the hamburger she had just consumed.

She excused herself from the chatting group of girls and quickly left the fire's dense circle of light to stand on the water's edge. A chill crept over her shoulders and she hugged her arms closer to her chest.

His enormous hands were warm and rough as they engulfed her own. She was thankful too, for even up in the bleachers, the Boston College ice rink was freezing. The crowd of college students that had congregated for that night's game had long departed, leaving the stadium completely deserted.

The couple in the 6th row--a young man in a "Boston College Hockey" shirt and a younger woman wearing a lilac-colored fleece--were alone and their hushed voices were enough to fill the arena. This had become somewhat of their own secret tradition, to sit facing each other in the empty stands after each of his games.

"I still can't believe that hattrick you scored tonight." Lucy smiled, "Unbelievable."

Jimmy's turquoise-blue eyes sparkled with the memory, "It was pretty great wasn't it?" That lopsided grin that made him look about thirteen years old always tugged on her heart strings. Even more so than the grin, the look of complete adoration that appeared on his face when he talked about playing the sport he so loved, was enough to make her melt.

"Jim, is there anything you love as much as hockey?"

His eyes followed the path of his thumb as it ran over the lines on her over-turned palm. "You." He said simply. He lifted his gaze to her wide, innocent eyes. "I love you, Lulu."

This was another first in their relationship. They had been each other's first valentine, first to take the other's virginity, first long-term commitment, and now this: the big "L" word.

She was like a mouse compared to his utterly giant build as she leaned forward to place a kiss on his lips. One of his hands touched the small of her back and the other held her cheek. She was safe.

Despite the history they shared, apparently, five months was enough time to fall off the face of the earth. At least that was what seemed to have happened to Jimmy.

After getting called up as a prospect for training camp, she had lost nearly all communication with him. She spent the majority of her senior year sulking and confused. A simple lack of closure had deprived her of sleep for many nights; so now, that deep, gravelly voice was everything she wanted to hear, and everything she didn't.

"Lucy?"

She knew this was coming. She didn't turn around immediately, but when she did, she wished she hadn't at all. Their three year, undergraduate relationship flooded back into her veins in an instant. The way the top of her head barely reached his underarm, his ginger hair, his slightly unproportional ears--it was all too familiar.

As much as she wanted to frown and ignore him, she was helpless and couldn't stop the smile that tugged on her cheeks.

"Jimmy, how are you?"

He smiled too. For a second he almost looked relieved, like he was afraid she might not recognize him. "I've been good," he shoved his hands into his pockets, "Busy, but good."

She nodded and it grew silent between them; the lulling, repetitive sound of crashing waves relieved some of the awkward tension.

"So," Lucy started, "Chicago, huh? That's pretty far away."

It was his turn to nod. "It's nice to be home--at least for a while." She could see him turning to face her out of the corner of her eye. "I've missed it."

She hated getting emotional infront of people. Before, she had no problem letting go infront of Jimmy, puffy eyes and all; he would comfort her and whisper sweet words of encouragement. He had always been one of those sensitive types. But now, she wasn't quite sure. Her throat was closing and she felt tears prick her eyes.

"I miss you, Lucy. You know I care about you."

She knew this was coming. The 'what if's' and 'if only's' they both had pondered the months that he was away were long overdue and were fated to surface.

She bit her bottom lip that had started to quiver. "Don't say that." She choked and finally turned to face him, "If you did, then what happened, Jimmy? Was I really that important? You sure as hell made it seem like I wasn't when you picked up and left without so much as a goodbye."

There was hurt in his eyes. A kind of lonely, guilty, hurt that she wasn't expecting. It had always made her sad to see him upset. It's different this time though, she kept telling herself. He was the one who left you.

"I get it, though. We were kids." Sniffling once, she turned back to the sea. The moonlight made the surface of the Atlantic look like black, endless, glass. "That's all it was."

He shook his head. "We're still kids, Lu."

She knew this was coming; and she was almost disappointed in herself for giving in so easily to the sensation of his lips against hers. She should have fought him, resisted--anything.

But five months couldn't erase three years. Under his touch, she gave in.

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The next morning, the sky was gray. A slow drizzle started to pitter-patter against the sliding glass door. Lucy watched as the balcony's patio became dotted with drops only to eventually become scattered with puddles as she sipped a cup of tea in the kitchen.

When Jimmy's thick arms flexed around her waist as he embraced her from behind, she longed to sink back into his touch, but in her heart knew it was poison.

"You're leaving today." Her voice sounded strange even to her ears. Its usual pleasant, healthy tone was flat and quiet as she stepped from him reach.

Dropping his head slightly, he rubbed the back of his neck. Lucy could feel a freezing, numbing void fill the space between them that would make the rain outside feel scorching.

"Yeah," His sad eyes flickered to hers, "Training camp starts next week."

She knew this was coming. Breaking his gaze, she quickly walked back to his room and picked up her discarded jeans and cardigan from the floor. Her hands fumbled with the buttons in her frustrated and confused haste.

"Lulu, come on, don't do this."

"Don't call me that!" She snapped suddenly.

Taking a deep breath and sighing heavily, she willed back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. She turned her head to stare up into those big, puppy dog blues.

"What do you want me to do, Jimmy? Wait another year for you to come back?" Pushing past him, she made for the door. "No. I'm not going to wait around for you again."

Just as her hand hit the knob, a thud sounded from above her head. His outstretched palm held the oak door shut as he towered over her trembling figure.

"I don't know what I'm asking, Lucy," he mumbled quietly, "Just--just be with me." Taking his hand off the frame, his familiar touch lightly caressed the side of her neck.

Life has a way of doing this--giving you two options and no inbetween. It's cruel really, how black and white everything is laid out sometimes. Now was one of those times. Lucy had never been so certain of what was to come until her possible future was standing right infront her.

She hadn't realized that her tears were falling until she felt his hand brush them off her cheeks. Slowly, her eyelids fluttered open to a world that was steadily slowing down all around her. Her heart, however, beat faster and faster.

She shook her head, her whispered voice cracking and weak, "I'm sorry."

She knew this was coming. Somehow, she knew that if she chose to be with him they could never be the same.

Five months couldn't erase three years, but it could tarnish and soil its once immaculate complexion--and that was enough to start the end. Yes, this was the part where the end started and it killed her to slip out of his apartment and finally, out of his life.