Mess You Made

Sadie—

"I'm going out."

I was leaning half-in the doorway to Rian and Cass' living room, gazing over at said couple. I had my shoes on and my cigarettes in my back pocket. I knew the only way I would get to smoke them was away from their house; they still didn't know I was even smoking.

"Why?" Cass pouts, leaning out from under Rian's arm where it was slung around her. "We were just about to watch True Blood!"

I smile lightly. "I need to see everything again, you know? I've missed Baltimore."

"Well, duh," Rian reiterates, making me roll my eyes. "We're here, of course you missed it." I laugh, shaking my head as I hit my hand against the wall beside mw. I could feel the cigarettes burning a hole in my pocket—no pun intended—and I needed one so bad as I was about to set the house on fire. "But yeah. Just be home at midnight, kay?"

I scoff, turning away from the living room. "You are guys are not my parents! I'll be back when I want to be back."

"Our home, our rules!"

I just laugh and walk out the front door. I start walking down the street and when I was a good distance away from the house, I pull out one of the white sticks and immediately light it. I inhale the smoke, and smile before releasing it. I let the heat of it keep me warm, pulling my jacket around me tighter. I commend myself for wearing the beanie because my ears were freezing. I pull the hat down over my ears, holding the cigarette between my lips carefully.

I don't know how long I'd been walking, but my legs started to ache after awhile. I was in a part of Baltimore I didn't recognize, seeing as Rian had moved since the last time I'd seen him a year ago, so everything I passed didn't have me feeling that regular itch of nostalgia. Which I am partly grateful for even though I wished I could see a few familiar places.

It was another few minutes, and one cigarette later, that I came upon a Starbucks. I'd brought a few dollars with me and the thought of a Chai Tea Frappuccino sounded delicious.

I pull the door open and walk in.

It was a little overcrowded for my taste but I force myself to walk up to the counter. There was a little patio where I could sit outside, which gave me two pluses. I could sit outside away from the noisiness inside the coffee shop and I could smoke my cigarettes. I order my drink quickly and wait impatiently as the barista made it.

As I waited, I see a man out of the corner of my eye stand and start to walk over to me. I immediately prepare myself to shoot him down.

"Hey," he smiles. "Remember me?"

I look up with a confused expression written on my face. He had a straight white smile, a kind face, crow feet at the corners of his eyes which immediately told me he was in the sun a lot, and coal-black hair. It took me a second before I realize that he was the man I had talked to earlier on the plane today. We had sat next to each other on the flight here.

"Oh!" I say a little surprised. "Hi. I don't think we told each other our names." He looked nice enough, I just felt uneasy around men.

"Mark," he smiles, holding out a hand. I shake it tentatively. "And you are?"

I clear my throat. "I'm Sadie."

He laughs. "Like the dance."

I give a small chuckle. "Ironically, I've never been to a Sadie Hawkins dance." I pause. "I don't see how that's ironic, actually." He laughs, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his slacks. I take a look at his clothes then, seeing the casual-but-formal khaki pants, brown belt and matching shoes, and white button down shirt rolled to his elbows. It looked damn good on him.

"So, you never answered my question from before."

I raise a brow. "Question...?"

"Are you here for business or pleasure?" he asks, flashing me that charmingly white smile. I cock my head to the side.

"I did answer that."

He hums for a moment, reminding me of smooth chocolate running over rocks. "Kind of. You said 'business' in a tone. I can't describe the tone but it was off-putting. Anyway, I was just wondering because if you won't be here long I don't want to waste my time."

Once again, I raise a brow. "Waste your time on what?"

He grins wide. He pulls out wallet, taking a small piece of card-stock out of the fold. He hands it to me. "See you 'round?" Then he gives me a small wink before turning around and walking out of Starbucks.

I wait a second, blink, then look down at the business card.



I feel myself blush a bit. Does he want me to call him? Should I call him? We talked once throughout the whole flight and it was when we'd been landing and I had been quite short with the man. So why would he be interested in me?

I shake my head. Stop over thinking this, Sadie.

I stick the card in my back pocket and turn around, finding my drink waiting for me. I grab it, and a straw, before booking it to the outside patio. I sit at a table near the corner, my back to the door, and pull out my package of cigarettes. I pluck one between my lips and light it up. I drag the sickly sweet smoke into my lungs and smile as I pull it away from my mouth.

I don't know how long I sat there, smoking and drinking my coffee and looking up at the stars and pretending my life wasn't a fuck-up. Every time I closed my eyes all I could picture was Jack's horror-stricken face as I told Alex was who I had cheated on him with him. And Rein's sobs were all I heard at night and Alex's last words to me played over and over again in my head, just so that my brain could grasp onto the memory of him with numb fingers.

Forget about it. And sleep.

I nearly saddened myself so harshly I almost dropped my cigarette. My fingers began to shake as I remember my last night with Alex before I ran. The heat of his breath in my hair, the tightness of his arms around my waist. Just the way he had shielded me, protected me, from the rest of the world for that one night was the way I'd wanted to leave him.

Even though I didn't want to leave him.

I shake my head as I suck at my cigarette again. Even the smoke curling against my rib cage couldn't make me feel better. I try to take a deep breath but am just met with smoke again.

It wasn't until much later that I hear the door open as someone comes out onto the patio. I didn't think anything of it, just continue smoking my third cigarette. I knew they were going to kill me but I wasn't going to stop it. Maybe I wanted them to kill me.

I hear the rustle of papers from the stranger behind me. The clicking of a pen.

For the next few minutes all I hear is the scratching of pen on paper. I close my eyes as I listen to it, remembering how Alex would pull out his notebook and just write and write and write when ever inspiration struck. Whoever this stranger was, he was writing something that must have just been coming to him. His pen flew across the paper like it was flying. I drag at my cigarette again.

Suddenly, my phone was buzzing with a phone call. The pen stops scratching.

I touch answer, not even looking at the caller I.D. "Hello?" I ask quietly, tapping the edge of my cigarette over the ashtray placed in front of me.

"You ever coming home? You've been gone for almost three hours," Rian says tersely.

Holy shit. I've been gone that long? "Sorry," I murmur. "I'll be back home soon."

"Did you leave because of Cass and I?" he asks with a worried tone. "We can cool it on the affection around you. It's just that - "

"No," I murmur. "Just wanted some space."

I hear the stranger behind me shift in his chair. "Are you sure? It's just that...Cass told me how you've, well...uhm...she's just concerned for you."

"No, Ri, I'm fine," I say a bit more harshly. I felt uncomfortable having this conversation with a person out here with me. I was acutely aware of the person looking at me every once in awhile and I didn't know what to think of it.

"Look, Cass said..."

"No, no," I groan out. I'll come later. Tell her not to worry..."

"She told me about how you, uh..."

"I'm not self-harming!" I hiss. I lower my voice once I realize the person behind me could probably hear what I was saying. "I did it once and...fuck, I'm never gonna do it again. You can check when I come back, all right?"

"Fine. Just don't be out too late okay?"

I huff out a sigh. "Bye."

Then I hang up, throwing my phone back on the table. I stub out my cigarette, shaking my head. There were a few tense moments before the person clears their throat. I jump, my heart lurching in my chest. I ignore it before pulling another cigarette out and lighting it. I place the white stick between my lips.

I hear the pen scratching against paper again. I let it soothe me back to a peaceful place. That is, until the person speaks and my breathing stops. "You okay?"

No, no, no. It can't be...please tell me I heard wrong...

Say something so you can hear his voice again to conclude.

I blow smoke out, coughing a bit because of the thoughts running through my head. "Yeah," I mutter out, feeling my heart quicken at the scenario flashing before my eyes. Could this be true right now? "Just..." I try to pick the right word here. "Overwhelmed."

"Tell me about it," he responds and my stomach drops.

It was him. I knew it was him. I could recognize his voice even if it were three octaves higher or lower. I suck more smoke in, realizing he had noticed I was smoking. Does he know it's me? I feel like he would have said something if he knew it was me...

Should I respond? I open my mouth to speak but my throat had gone so dry I couldn't even breathe. I swallow and swallow and swallow, trying to force my jaw to move.

"Too long of a story," I croak out, putting the cigarette between my chapped lips. "The gist?" I give a flat chuckle because of the irony of this situation. "I'm a horrible person."

I anticipate his reply, closing my eyes when he finally speaks.

"Ha," he says, the sour word still like music to my ears. "Story of my life." It was him. I knew it was him and no one could tell me otherwise. My eyes pop open. Keep him talking so you can hear his voice...cherish it...

What do I say? I fall silent as my brain seems to go dead, my mind empty and my body locked up. I couldn't even bring myself to turn around and look at him. I swallow again and pull more smoke into my body before releasing it out in a cloud that surrounded me like a cocoon. I wanted to hear him speak again. And my wish comes true.

"So...why are you alone at Starbucks at 10 p.m.?"

I close my eyes and smile a bit at his voice. It was warm and inviting, just like it had been a year ago. The last voice I heard before I ran away from Maryland. I turn my face up to the sky, basking in the fact that he was sitting a mere thirty feet away from me. I felt the need to cry, laugh, and shout all at the same time. "Once again," I reply, "long story." My throat felt thick with tears and the prospect of them burned the back of my eyes again.

I hear him shift in his chair again. He was so close. "I got time."

I smirk a bit, deciding to poke at him, just to see if he knew it was me. "We just met," I reply, taking another drag. "You'll think pretty lowly of me."

"Hm," he hums. It was so close to his singing voice that a warm feeling runs through me, like a deep electrical shock. How is it that he can still affect me like this even after a year of distance and separation? "Try me. I think pretty lowly of myself these days." I had to bite my lip to not make a noise. His voice just woke something inside of me. If only I could just look at his face...

I hesitate, before reaching out and stubbing my cigarette out. I wait another moment before turning in my chair a tad, stopping when I realize how big of a mistake I am probably making. "Look, Al—" Fuck, "sir, maybe we should call it a night."

I can't be here. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. This wasn't supposed to happen at all. I wasn't supposed to see him, let alone talk to him...

"We have awhile before we can," he responds. I close my eyes again, wanting to just sink into him. Oh God... "Just talk to me. I could use a companion."

How does he not know it's me?

I crack a sad smile, wiping as a tear finally falls from my eye. "I'm the last person you want to talk to." I feel my throat full of tears and I want to slap myself in the face for humiliating myself in this way. By the sudden silence that ensued I just knew that Alex had figured it out. The atmosphere took a major shift.

I turn so I can look him in the face.

His hair was now a deep brown, almost black, and his face was unshaven. His eyes looked flat and dead, the usual swirling brown now a wood color that made him look...empty. His orbs were blown wide as he looked at me, his jaw open a tad. He looked damn good, but he looked damn good all the time. My body was reacting the way it always did when he was around and I couldn't stop myself from heating up from head to toe. The tears almost seemed to come thicker now as he looked at me with the most shocked look I think I've ever seen.

Finally, he chokes out words. "God. Sadie."

I smile small, my own voice coming out jumbled because of the tears. "Alex."