Mess You Made

Alex—

Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt like you were floating?

Like your mind had succumbed to a moment of complete and utter bliss; as if you were flying high above the clouds and the human race, like you were racing through the stars and you were on a plane of high that was completely indescribable. An out-of-body experience that you only got to experience when you felt at your best; at your highest.

I felt like I was on that exact level, that glimmer of bliss, when my eyes connected with Sadie's again. Her beautiful, light eyes that dug deep into my soul the minute we made contact.

All breath left my body. My jaw goes slack. My eyes go wide. I felt like I was dreaming as my vision goes hazy around the edges. My chest felt as if it had caved in. My heart drummed messily in my ears, blood pumping harder and faster than it had in twelve months.

What do you say to a person you haven't seen in one year? What do you say to the girl who you loved more than anything, who you ached for, who you dreamed abut every night? What do you say to the woman who haunted your every thought, her shadow falling over you all day and all night and even managed to weasel her way into your drunken rampages?

What do you possibly utter to the one and only person who you felt like you could give your all to?

"God...Sadie."

That was all I could manage in the initial shock of seeing her. Wisps of her auburn hair stuck out of her beanie, floating at the sides of her face. Her light hazel eyes were flicking about my face, analyzing me with a look that only made my insides churn. She looked so frail, so delicate and small; her wrists stick-thin, her face not as round as before, tendons sticking out the side of her neck, the flush from her face replaced by a grey-ashen look. But even though it was clear she was sick—sick from running or sick from anguish, I wouldn't know—she stilled looked gorgeous. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my entire life. And all I wanted to do was touch her.

I immediately go to make a move, standing from my table that was thirty feet from hers. I see her flinch visibly, but I don't stop there. I continue walking towards her, finally ceasing my movements when I was at the table in front of hers. I take a seat there, a good ten feet still between us, facing towards her.

And there, we just look at each other.

It wasn't one of those long, awkward eye contacts that you don't want to break because you'll seem like you're uncomfortable. It was one of those moments where two people were reconnecting, relearning each other after months and months of distance. Two people trying to see all that has happened to the other since they had last seen each other, trying to understand everything that had happened.

But Sadie was no longer my open book. I used to be able to understand her, even when she blinked. Now? I could barely get the stony look upon her face.

I felt my hand twitch. God, I just wanted to touch her.

I distract myself by pulling a hand back through my hair. I see her lips twitch a tad and it made my own mouth curl up a bit. Then my eyes slide over to the table she was sitting at, the small smile immediately morphing into a frown. "You smoke."

They were two simple words, yet they made her wince. She bites at her bottom lip. "Yeah, well," she says, her voice far-away, "I had to cope somehow."

"You know how much I hate smoking," I murmur, not unkindly.

She shakes her head, lighting up another cigarette and placing it between her lips. Right in front of me. "Do I?" she asks, once again sounding far-off, sucking in smoke before blowing it out wistfully.

I growl a bit and grab her cigarette, throwing it on the ground and smashing it with the sole of my boot. She freezes and looks over at me. "You can't control what I do," she says, her throat thick with the prospect of tears. I immediately feel a pang run down the center of my body. "And smoking is something that's helped me. I know it's a disgusting habit that 'will kill me' but..." She stops talking then, taking a sip of the coffee she had before her.

I let her ominous sentence flicker off, deciding not ponder on what she would have ended it with. All I could focus on was...well, her. Her voice, her hair, her eyes, her body, her smell...she still used the same perfume she did a year ago.

"Sadie, please..." I choke, letting my words drop off into nothingness.

Her small eyes look up, the black lashes framing the orbs blinking at me as she waited for me to finish my unfinished phrase. I just didn't know what to say to her. Do I interrogate her like I always pictured myself doing? Or do I ask her where she went, where she lived, what she did, who she saw this past year that she'd separated herself from me?

I swallow, my throat thick as it fills with words I wanted to say but couldn't bring myself to speak. Her delicate fingers were intertwined in her lap as I let my gaze flicker there, her bony wrists making me wince visibly. I see her wince as well at the pained look I was sure was etched on my face.

"Sadie..." I start again, forcing myself to look at her again. It was hard; her beautiful, oh-so beautiful face, hurt me to see again. I couldn't... "Please. Tell me...why..."

I couldn't say it. The words leave me again, my throat now thick with tears rather than words.

She gives me a wry smile, one full of knowing rather than actual joy. She was letting me know she understood. "I went and lived with my parents in Oregon," she says, sliding another cigarette out of her package. My lips go into a thin line but I let her light it nonetheless. "I couldn't very well live on my own after last year. I was in too dark of a place. I didn't trust myself."

Hearing such words coming out of my Sadie's mouth made my heart twist in the most painful way. I did this to her. I broke her, I made her feel this way.

"I..." I release a deep breath. "I don't want you to feel that way. I...I did this. Everything is—"

"Don't," she interrupts me with a crack in her voice. Her tear-filled gaze moves over to my face again. All the pain and hurt and longing and loneliness was shining in her broken eyes, the emotions she was showing me making my chest split in two. I felt my fingers twitch as I felt the need to hold her hand. "Alex. We both know that there was only person who fucked this all up." She looks away again. I reach out and grab her chin, turning her head to look me in the face again. I stroke my thumb over the bone of her face, my teeth grinding as I realize how badly she'd taken care of herself this past year. "I did this, Alex. I was with Jack, I cheated on him with you, while you were with Rein. I was the link. I was the fucking destroyer of two relationships." She rips her chin out of my hand, the bitter look on her face morphing into a scowl.

I curl my fists in frustration. "Please let me take the blame. Please. And I might as well; I did for the past year after you had left. I was the one who had to stay and pick up the pieces. I was the one who had to deal with the constant anger and guilt and fucking tension. Jack won't even look at me, let alone talk to me, and my own mother has a hard time talking to me like a normal person. You may have been the link, but Jack was my best friend and Rein was my girlfriend. I am just as much to blame as you are. Do not put this all on you."

It wasn't until I was done spewing all that out that I saw Sadie's shoulders shaking and heard the sobs bubbling out of her throat. Her cigarette was stubbed out in the ashtray and her face was hidden behind her trembling hands. My twisted face relaxes into a frown. "I left you alone," she mumbles before I can move. "I left you to deal with the damage. I am such a fucking coward."

Then I did the most brave thing I could think of in that moment.

I push my chair to be right beside her, reach out, and bundle her in my arms. The moment she's in my embrace, her head on my chest, tucked against my collarbone, it's like my entire being folded in on itself and I was whole again. The fractured part of me, the shattered shell I was moments before, was glued and sewed and pieced back together and I was Alex. I felt like myself; I felt like I could be me again, with Sadie here, actually allowing me to hug her as she cried into my hoodie.

And then I went a step further and brushed a kiss across the top of her head. She didn't object nor move back, just let me comfort her as she broke down and was at her most vulnerable state in front of me. I smooth a hand down her spine, from the top of her neck to the small of her back, before going back up and repeating the motion. Her arms snake around my waist as her tears wet my shirt, her eyes fluttering against my flesh as she tried to blinking the warm tears from her eyes. I tried to shush her, tried to soothe her with words, but it only calmed her slightly before she was sobbing once more.

"You aren't a coward," I murmur near her ear, her entire body shaking. "You're just a girl who is trying to make everything right again. You're just Sadie, the strongest girl I have ever met." I nuzzle my nose against the side of her neck, taking advantage of being this close to her again; because who knows how long it will be before I get this chance again.

"I ruined everything," she cries, her voice raspy from all the tears. "I fucked everything up."

"We both did," I tell her, squeezing her into me harder to get my point across. "We're both at fault. Please let me help you see that you are beautiful and fine and not alone."

She just nods, no more words passing as she presses her face closer to my chest as she just lets her tears make a mess of my clothes. I don't object nor complain, just breathe her in and breathe her out, knowing this was too real to be a dream.

Her warm flesh against mine, her frail body encased by mine, her lips moving against my collarbone as her sad sobs left her lips, each one making a new painful pang stretch across my torso. Her small fingers gripping my sides harder each time she cried louder. I let my hand wander down her spine again, counting each vertebrae with the tips of my fingers, feeling each groove and every bone before moving to her rib cage, feeling the cartilage poking out of her tender skin. I flinch inward; I wanted to take care of her. Needed to take care of her.

"Let me take you home," I murmur in her ear, holding her closer to me even though it felt impossible to press us further together.

"I don't have a home."

My lips brush over the skin below her earlobe. "Yes you do," I whisper, stroking down her back again. "You just don't know it."