Mess You Made

Sadie—

His mouth is moving against the flesh beneath my ear, my eyes fluttering closed as the tears slow. "Yes you do," I hear him murmuring, his fingers whispering over my spine that sent delicious shivers over my body. "You just don't know it."

Light filtered in through the cracks of the shades, my lids opening as I feel the warm sun on my face. I shift in my bed, stretching my arms high above my head.

Was it a dream?

It had to have been. I must have come home after being at the coffee shop and fallen asleep and made the whole thing up in my head. That's the only explanation. I couldn't have seen Alex that soon; couldn't have been that close to him again in such a short amount of time. Right? I'd like to think I have more self-control than that.

But last night...

The heat from his body and the caresses of his breath on my neck...they all felt so real. Had he really been there? Had he really held me as I cried, really carried me in his arms out of the coffee shop and back to the safety of my bed?

Had he really talked to me like a human being?

I shake my head and sit up, hearing the joints in my back crack. It was a dream. Nothing but a dream. I was just too tired last night that I thought it had happened. Yes. That's it.

I remove my clothes from yesterday, take a quick shower in the adjoining bathroom, then change into jeans and a tee shirt. I blow dry my hair quickly before shoving a beanie over the top of it again. I grab my pack of cigarettes that sat on my bedside table and stuff them in my back pocket. I open my bedroom door, the smell of bacon wafting up the stairs making my stomach growl.

I am coming down the stairs moments later, breathing in the delicious aroma. "Rian, you better be making waffles as well," I call as I come down, my lips curling stiffly. "And eggs. You know how I get in the morning, especially when—"

My heart stops beating at the sight of Alex, sitting at the breakfast bar, holding a cup of coffee.

He returns my stare, sending me a small smile. That was when I noticed my mouth was open and I force my jaw closed, my throat going dry. Oh my God, it wasn't a dream.

He was dressed in the clothes he was wearing last night, the shirt rumpled and the jeans creased, but his hair was damp meaning he must have showered here. The stubble along his jaw line wasn't as prominent yesterday, meaning he must have shaved minimally. He was looking away from me now, drinking at his coffee. I look over at Cass and Rian just as they look at me. I could tell by the look on Cass' face that she was disappointed.

"So, Sadie," Cass was saying now, a brow raised. "Why is it that we found Alex on our couch this morning?"

I open my mouth, close it, then speak. "I, uh, well..."

"Sadie fell asleep at the coffee shop last night," Alex tells them, circling the rim of his mug with his finger. "I brought her home like she asked. I fell asleep on the couch because I, uh, didn't want to..."

"Who wants bacon?" Rian asks before Alex can finish. Cass shoots him a look, which he ignores.

I clear my throat, trying to keep my gaze away from Alex as I cross my arms over my chest. "I do. But not a lot, if that's all right. My appetite isn't as large as it was before." At this, my eyes flick to Alex, who was looking at me just as well. I flush and avert my eyes again.

"No," Alex was saying now. "She won't have any bacon." He gets to his feet.

I knew I look appalled as my brows crease. "Excuse me?"

He cocks his head to the front door as he grabs his wallet and keys off of the counter. "I'm taking you to breakfast." He wasn't looking me in the face as he taps his phone on, typing something onto the screen. He doesn't explain more as I just stare at him.

"Excuse me?" I repeat.

Cass looks between Alex and I like we were playing tennis. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Alex looks up, giving all of us a grim smile. "Sadie and I have a lot to catch up on." His glance slides over to me then, tilting his head at the door again. "My treat."

And despite my knowing this was a bad idea, I wanted to go. So bad.

"I...I don't know, Alex—"

"I'm not going to take no for an answer."

My words fall short as he looks me dead in the eyes, my knees going weak at the glare he was sending me. It wasn't necessarily a glare, more like a firm look asking for me to do this for him. He wasn't even asking me for permission. It was more like he was demanding me. And I can understand why. He had questions and I was the only one who had answers.

I clear my throat again and look over at Cass and Rian. "I'll be back soon."

I could tell Cass was about to say something but Rian nudges her shoulder before she can. He looks back over at us and smiles. "Have fun, guys."

I nod slowly before I follow Alex out the door, my heart pounding the entire time. We walk to his car and get in, my blood racing faster as he opens my door for me. A few minutes later we were pulling into a breakfast diner and I trail behind him inside.

Moments later we were sitting in a booth and I was left to my own defenses against Alex.

I shift in my chair and look around the diner, not knowing what to say nor how to look Alex in the face. I could feel his burning gaze on me, the chocolate gaze practically searing a hole in my forehead. I wanted to reach across the table and tear his eyes out of his head.

What do you say to the man you've been running from for a year?

"Here," he starts before I can, removing something from his pinkie slowly. He passes it to me and my eyes widen as I see it's my ring. I forgot he'd taken it. "You should have this back."

I hesitate before taking it into my own hand, reading the inscription on the inside. "I, uhm...thank you." I place it back on my finger, the ring feeling too heavy now.

Then, before I could move my hands back under the table, Alex is grabbing my arm and stretching it out across the surface of the wood. I try to pull back, wondering what the fuck he's doing, before I realize where he was staring. My eyes widen.

"No, Alex...it...it's not what you—"

His finger drags over the two scars at the crease of my wrist, his jaw clenching angrily. I could feel my pulse there start to beat faster, the feel of his fingers against my pain making my blood turning to boiling water in my veins. "You cut yourself," he is then muttering. I could hear the tightness in his throat, the anger flashing in his eyes as he looks up at me.

I try to pull my arm back again, but his grip tightens on it. My heart was pounding in my chest loudly, my throat dry for a second time. "Alex...I...I was in a really bad place and—"

"That doesn't mean you cut yourself."

I look away, tears stinging my eyes. "I'm not trying to justify what I did," I reply bitterly, my own eyes lingering on the two thick scars along my flesh, the jaggedness along each one reminding me how rough I'd been on myself. I swallow. "I did it because I felt I deserved some kind of...some kind of hurt for the hurt I caused. I only did it twice."

His shoulders refused to relax, his upper body so stiff he looked like a billboard. "Sadie. You have to understand. You harmed yourself. Did you think I'd be okay with this?"

I close my eyes. "Well, I don't..."

He throws my arm back at me in disgust. I wince. "Sadie! Of course I was mad at you but never have I wanted you in pain. Fuck, why would you think such a thing?"

I look away. "Because of what I did. Surely you would've wanted me to feel what you felt."

Alex grabs my hand again, his hand covering the two scars like putting them out of sight would be putting them out of mind. "Of course not," he says, his words sharp and clear as his eyes bore into mine. "Sadie, you are...you are fine. Okay? Never hurt yourself like this again. Or else I swear to God..." He doesn't finish his sentence, just exhales harshly, shaking his head. "Please. Promise me."

"Alex—"

"Promise me."

I swallow, nodding quickly. "I promise."

He gives me a look before releasing my arm, almost reluctantly. I shove my hand under the table as I look away from him. Fuck, he's scaring the shit out of me.

"I'm sorry if I sounded...harsh," he's now saying. "I just...I..."

I don't want to hear what he was going to finish that sentence with. "It's fine," I say, trying to smile. "You're just looking out for me. And besides, it's only been about a week since I made the second cut. I'm not going to do it again—"

"It's only been a week?"

I stop, my cheeks burning a bright red. "I shouldn't have said that."

Anger was returning to his face but I could tell he was reeling it back in. "Just...keep your promise, okay?" His gaze burned my insides so I nod quickly.

Luckily, the waiter returns then to collect our orders. I made sure to only order one pancake and a couple pieces of bacon, knowing my appetite had really been shot to hell once I saw Alex this morning. I'd come to terms with the fact that last night hadn't been a figment of my imagination, but it was definitely a shock to see he had stuck around after taking me back to Rian's house last night. Was the only reason he had done so because he wanted to take me to breakfast this morning?

"How long have you been back?" he's now asking, his hand running over the stubble along his jaw. I watch his hand for a moment before snapping out of it.

Here's where the questioning begins. "Since yesterday. My flight landed in the early afternoon."

His brows raise, this clearly a surprise. "Oh."

I nod. "I didn't tell anyone about it except for Cass. Well, Cass was the one who invited me to come over since she told me about the engagement. I'll be leaving in about a week to go back anyway. Then I'm going to come back once more for the wedding since—"

"You're gonna leave?" Alex asks, his voice dropping to a tone I couldn't deduce. "Again?"

Fuck him and his fucking eyes. Every time he looks at me I can't help but just turn to putty in his hand. I might slap him. "I have to, Alex," I mumble. "You don't understand. I can barely handle seeing you and I didn't hurt you nearly as bad as I hurt Jack. What do you think it'll be like seeing him? The thought has me practically—"

"Can we not talk about him?" Alex asks, flinching visibly. I feel my brows raise on their own. "He's kind of a...sore subject for me right now."

I bite at my bottom lip. "Yeah. Cass told me he's punched you twice now."

A look flickers onto his face before moving on. "Yeah. But that's not important." Then the waiter was coming back with our food, the smell of bacon overwhelming me again. Once our plates had been settled, the waiter was walking away and Alex was back to questioning me. "What have you been up to the past year?" He wasn't looking at me as he asked, just cutting away at his waffles. The fact that this question was so fucking casual pissed me off.

"Nothing," I reply. "Absolutely nothing." I feel his eyes on me and look up, seeing his gaze was telling me to elaborate. I huff as I pour syrup onto my pancake. "I'm being serious. I didn't work, I didn't leave my house, I didn't talk to anyone. Well, save for my parents and Cass."

"Cassadee has had your number this entire time?"

I clear my throat. "Uhm. Yeah."

This, evidently, let him slide into the next question he had for me. "Why didn't you ever call me?" This one was quiet, small as he once again kept his eyes on his food. The swallow I tried next got lodged in my throat.

I set my fork down, the two bites I'd taken so far already making my stomach churn. "I couldn't. You know I couldn't." I shake my head, a bitter laugh making it's way out of my mouth. "I was a fucking coward. I thought you guys hated me after what I did. I couldn't very well contact you with that mindset. I fucked your guys' life up then just left without a word; I'm pretty sure that would piss anyone off to the point where if they were contacted by the person who fucked them up...it wouldn't be good thing." I pick up my fork again, realizing I wasn't hungry at all anymore. "Look, maybe we shouldn't really talk anymore after this. I think it would be better if we—"

"You know that's not going to happen."

I close my eyes. "Please don't make this any harder than it already is, Alex."

Just saying his name again made my skin prickle. A good prickle. The feeling of his eyes on me and my name passing his lips and his attention focused solely on me made my stomach fill with that familiar sensation. But I couldn't let this go on any further.

"Then don't shut me out," he says with a slight growl. Another shiver attacks me. "Fuck, Sadie, stop running away from me. It's not making anything better."

A scowl makes it's way onto my face. I drop my fork again, my arms crossing over my chest. "Whatever."

It was childish, and I was definitely acting like a child, but there was no getting through to him. He didn't understand. He would never understand.

Alex's eyes flick to my food then up to my face. "You need to eat."

"I'm not that hungry."

He drops his own silverware, giving me a glare. "God damnit, Sadie. I wasn't going to say anything, but here it is. You are in terrible shape. After seeing you again for the first time in a year, I could tell how fucking awful you'd done with taking care of yourself. Obviously the scars are one point I've already made. But I can tell your body has been taken a toll on from your fucking depression. You look like you've starved yourself and I am willing to bet all of my life savings that the smoking hasn't helped. So please, if not for me than for your fucking health, pick up your fork and eat."

He goes back to eating himself, my jaw dropped as I watch him carefully. He'd noticed all of that? I swallow before tentatively grabbing my fork, spearing a piece of pancake into my mouth slowly.

"Thank you," he murmurs. "And did you bring your cigarettes with you?"

I freeze with my bacon halfway to my mouth. "Uhm. Yes."

He puts out a hand, his palm upturned. "Hand 'em over."

I feel another incredulous look overcome my face. "Are you serious?" He can't just take my cigarettes away and expect that to make everything okay. They helped me cope; helped me get through this past year of being alone.

"Yes," he answers. "Now give them to me before I search you and get them myself."

I feel my cheeks flush but take them out of my back pocket and throw the box at him. "You're acting like you're my father," I hiss, stabbing at my food again and forcing myself to eat it.

"I'm trying to help you get better," he replies, not unkindly. "If you haven't noticed, your about twenty pounds lighter since the last time I saw you. I can see your ribs through your shirt and your wrists are small enough for me to wrap my entire hand around one and a half times. You cheeks aren't as round as they used to be and your waist is much smaller, which I deciphered when I had my arms around you last night. And your spine is sticking out of your back."

My breath was gone.

Alex had my body memorized, just by touch, that he could tell how it had changed over the past year. If that doesn't say how much he had felt for me, than I don't know what does.

I wanted to say those three words more than I had ever wanted to just then, but I refrained myself from doing so. That wouldn't fix anything between Alex and I. If anything it would just complicate things further. "Well," I murmur, eating my last piece of bacon. "You've done your homework."

A wry smile appears on his face. "I care about your well-being, Sadie. Not just you."

His last words made dread course through my veins. I force feed myself the rest of my food before getting to my feet. "I'm going to use the restroom."

Alex touches my wrist lightly as I pass him, a bolt of lightning shooting up my arm and making my heart race faster than a bullet. I walk faster to the bathroom. Once inside there I splash water onto my face, the cool liquid making my head clear a bit.

This whole time I've been with Alex it's like a fog had been over my brain, clouding my judgement. I have to keep a safe distance from him in order to protect him. He seems to be determined on being close to me again and no matter how much I ached for that too, I had to keep myself locked from him. I close my eyes as I breathe deeply.

But...

He's there. He's here with me and it's been everything I'd wanted since I left that morning. He's worried about me and he cares for me and he's been so fucking protective that I felt like my heart was seconds away from bursting from all the love. I could still feel his lips against my skin, still feel the way he'd held me. His heartbeat against my ear and his fingers running over my back as I cried. He loved me and I was pushing him away.

I shake my head. I push away from the sink and leave the restroom.

As I push open the bathroom door, it hits someone in the head. "Fuck!" I hear them curse as they go sprawling across the floor. I gasp, my hang flying up to my mouth.

"I am so sorry!" I gush, getting to my knees beside them. "Are you okay?"

"I think so," the person chuckles. My blood runs cold at the sound of it. No, no, no...please God, no... "I didn't see the bathroom door opening."

Then he was looking up at me and my entire world was collapsing.

It took him about two seconds to register it was me, his face falling and a hard look glazing over the previously warm, friendly gaze he had been sporting. "...Sadie?"

I've now seen Alex and Jack within not even twenty-four hours of being back in Maryland. I think that fate is trying to tell me something here.