Mess You Made

Sadie—

I put the cigarette up to my lips and pull, the smoke curling into my lungs like a delicious fire beating against my rib cage. I hold the sensation in for two more moments before releasing, letting the white stick plucked between my middle and forefinger fall from my lips. I open my eyes.

The dreary air above me was moist with the aftereffects of the rain, the wet, wet rain that I have endured since I got here eleven months and twenty-nine days ago. Don’t worry, I wasn’t counting or anything.

Tomorrow will have been the one year anniversary of the day I ran.

It’s not like I ran to hide from my troubles. Well, kind of. Yes, I ran because I didn’t think I could face up to the consequences of my stupid actions, but I also ran because we all knew it was for the best. Staying in Maryland wouldn’t have helped my case. The rehearsal dinner set off the domino effect. Everyone knew of my scandal with Alex and staying would have just made matters worse.

Walking down the streets and seeing my supposed friends or family, watching them look at me like I was some whore or slut for sleeping with an almost married man when I had a boyfriend of my own at home?

No thanks.

Oregon wasn’t my first option of a place to run to. But it was where my parents were and they were the only people I had left. Mom and Dad didn’t know anything of my decisions back in Maryland; that is, until I told them when I appeared one morning on their doorstep crying like someone had just shot my cat. Both were somewhat understanding, even though my mom was a bit horrified at my infidelity toward Jack since she had loved him. But both understood my leaving and were fine with my staying in their spare room.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss Maryland. I miss it more than I ever imagined I would. I miss Jack and his lanky build and his goofy smile and the way he would hug me at the end of the day. I miss the smell of my house, the smell that had engulfed me as I wrote my goodbye letters. I miss how bright Maryland always was, and the snow it brought during the winter.

But mostly, I missed Alex.

It’s unoriginal of me to say so, but it’s true. I love him. Missing him is like forcing yourself to fall asleep. It’s simple but hard at the same time. Leaving him on such a sour note, without any communication of goodbye, just a hurriedly scribbled letter that barely announced any of my real feelings, made a pang hit my chest each time I thought about it.

I shouldn’t have left that way. I shouldn’t have just walked out with no kiss or hug or even a simple fucking look. But I knew if I had voiced leaving in front of him he would have convinced me to stay.

“Sadie?” My mom calls from the back porch. I turn around on my bench to look at the open door she was leaning out of. “It’s cold. Come inside?”

I nod. “In a few minutes. I’m enjoying the weather.”

My mom hesitates. I know she’s been worried about me this past year; I mean, I’d hardly gone out, I’d sit in my room and stare out the window, I took up smoking, and I’d been taking care of myself about as much as a baby is able to take care of themselves. It’s like I was in high school again and my mom was helping me along the way.

As usual.

“Well, don’t be out too long,” she says. “It’s almost dark.”

I just nod again, bringing my cigarette to my chapped, cold lips again and sucking. She grimaces before pulling the door closed, leaving me to the gray sky and clouds. Just the way I like it.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out without as much as a glance at the screen. I already knew who it was so I tap the screen and bring it to my ear. “Hey, Cass,” I greet, taking another suckle on my bad habit. “What’s up?” I could hear her say something to someone before a door slammed and there was nothing but silence on her end of the phone.

Cassadee is the only one who has my new phone number beside my mother and my father. She was my anchor of sorts since I moved and she called every day to check in on me. I made her promise not to tell Jack and Alex where I was or that she was even conversing with me. That would open up a million doors of problems.

“Just calling to make sure you haven’t hurt yourself,” she murmurs. I wince. I instinctively look down at my forearm that was covered by my jacket sleeve. Two white scars lie underneath. “Again.”

“I haven’t,” I tell her the truth. That razor blade hurt like a fucking bitch. But I had deserved it. “How’s it back home?”

I could hear her hesitate. “It’s all right.”

I stub my cigarette out on the handle of the bench I was sitting on. “Don’t lie to me, Cass.” I hear her release a deep breath. “What did Alex do this time?” I was dreading the answer, but it was the usual. Apparently, he’s been off the deep end ever since I left and Jack has been right there with him.

“Not Alex,” she answers. “Jack.”

Now that was a surprise. Cass told me that Jack has been silently angry but never voiced anything. So something drastic must have happened for him to have acted out.

“What?” I ask, my heart pounding at the different scenarios flashing in my head.

She was mute for a few moments before she spoke. “He punched Alex in the face.” At first, I thought I had imagined her saying those words. But when she didn’t continue talking, I knew she had said what I thought she said.

“He punched him?” I shouldn’t be all that shocked. I was surprised it took them this long to finally go at each other, but from what Cass had told me, they’d been tip-toeing around each other for the past year. I guess they would have eventually snapped, but I never thought they would resort to physical violence. Or, I at least hoped they wouldn’t have.

“It took them this long?” was the only thing I could blurt out. “Damn. I guess they had been really careful this past year.”

“He broke Alex’s nose. Zack took him to the hospital the other day.”

My eyes widen. “And you’re just telling me this now?” I stand up and start walking bitterly back toward my house. “Why didn’t you tell me when you called yesterday?” I open the back door, the heat from the house wrapping around me like a cocoon. I relax as I walk in, sending a wave to my father who was watching Fox News on the TV.

“Because it slipped my mind,” she murmurs. “Something else happened that I thought was more important.”

“More news?” I groan. “God. Did Alex chop Jack’s hand off or something?”

She laughs, but it was faint. “No. It’s much more exciting than that.” I walk into the kitchen and give my mom a smile where she was chopping potatoes for dinner. The smile felt sterile, and I knew my mom could tell it was, but she smiled back nonetheless as I take a seat at the breakfast bar.

“Well what is it?” I ask incredulously. “Don’t drag it out.”

“Rian proposed.”

My jaw drops but I immediately felt my throat emit a loud squeal. “Seriously?” I grin, my cheeks hurting from the muscles I hadn’t used to smile for the past year. “That’s amazing, Cass! When did it happen?”

“Two nights ago,” she grins, her own voice high pitched. “God, Sadie, it was amazing! He took me to this orchestra that played beautifully—you know how much I love classical music—and then we went to this little Italian place that served the best tortellini and I couldn’t even begin to fathom how cute it was. Then afterwards we went back to my house and just lied down in my backyard staring at the stars and that’s when he asked. Oh, Sades, it was just perfect.”

I could feel my heart give out. “Oh, Cass. I am so happy for you.”

I could just feel her smiling. “Thank you. I want this day to be perfect and it really can’t be perfect until everyone I know and love is there too.”

The color drains from my face the moment she said that. “Cassadee,” I warn. “If you are about to invite me to your wedding when you fully know I can not step foot in Maryland—”

“Well,” she cuts in. “Not only do I want you to attend, but I want you to be a bridesmaid.”